Roles Reversed
by The Author's Mighty Pen
Summary: Anna Smith comes to Downton Abbey to work for Lady Mary after a rather scandalous event. Only Lady Mary and Mrs. Hughes know the truth of what happened and, despite misgivings by the family, Lady Mary insists on Anna's services as her Lady's Maid. It is there that Anna Smith, timid and reserved, meets the buoyant and kind John Bates, valet to Lord Grantham.
1. Trepidation

She tried to ease her breathing, counting the seconds on the inhale, holding it, and then continuing on the exhale. Her heart still thumped in her ribcage as she raised her hand to knock on the back door. No one answered so she knocked again.

When no one came she tried the handle and almost jumped back as it moved. Steeling herself with a deep breath, she pushed into the interior. The hall stretched before her like the open maw of a beast. She swallowed, her hands clutching tighter to the handles on her bag, and walked into the darkness.

Her shoes clacked on the stones of the hall and she paused as voices on the stairs floated down toward her. Stopping at the bottom she found herself confronted with a read headed woman in a green maid's uniform, a man with a cane, and another woman in all black.

The second woman's lip twitched upward and she raised an eyebrow, "Who are you?"

"I'm Anna Smith, the new lady's maid." She pointed behind her toward the door, "I knocked but no one answered."

"So you just decided to push your way in?"

Before Anna could respond the man moved his cane to his left hand and extended his right toward her, "I'm John Bates, his lordship's valet."

"Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Bates." Anna took his hand and, for a moment, risked looking into his eyes before dropping her gaze.

"I'm Gwen," The other maid put her hand forward. "It'll be nice to have a lady's maid to lighten the load a bit."

"You've been caring for her?"

"Her and the other girls of the house." Gwen readjusted the bed linens in her hand, "I'm head housemaid."

"And I'm Ms. O'Brien, her ladyship's maid." O'Brien sniffed at Anna, "You'd best come this way and meet Mrs. Hughes."

Anna adjusted her hold on her bag but noticed the side glance Mr. Bates gave her. It was not like O'Brien's sneer of Gwen's curiosity. This was different. Almost… interested?

She shook the thought away. The last thing she needed was another man to make trouble in her life. No man would ever make trouble for her again.


	2. Resignation

Anna fixed the last button and stepped back. The taller woman checked herself in the mirror and nodded, "Perfect. You've lost none of your skills."

"They had me mending everyday, milady."

The woman stopped, turning to face Anna. "I didn't mean to say-"

"It's nothing, milady and I-" Anna took a deep breath and tried to keep her emotions under control. "I'm ever so grateful for what you did to help me."

"Nonsense. I didn't believe a word of what they said and I'd testify to that, again, in a court of law." The woman hesitated before putting her hand on Anna's shoulder, "What he did to you was beyond horrible. And whatever person did us the favor of ridding the world of him would have my testimony before the bar of God Himself if that's what it took to get them into Heaven for what they did.

"As far as I'm concerned, justice was served on him and should've been better served for you."

"Thank you, milady." Anna gathered the clothes, "Is that all?"

"For now." The woman pulled on her gloves, "How are you settling in?"

"It's different than Downton Place but not so different that I can't manage."

"Well don't strain yourself. Gwen's a great help and Mrs. Hughes is here."

"I met Gwen this morning and Mrs. Hughes gave me some of the details of the house when I first arrived."

The woman smiled, "Mrs. Hughes was so excited you were coming back to us. She couldn't stop talking about it when I told her the news."

Anna nodded, "I'm flattered to hear it."

"Good." The woman clapped her hands together, "I'd better get down before my husband wonders where I've run off to."

"I do hope Mr. Patrick is settling in well."

"You mean Lord Grantham?"

"Yes," Anna shook her head, "Sorry milady, I'm so used to calling him 'Mr. Patrick'. It'll take some time getting use to I guess."

"Yes it will."

"Must be such a shock for him to be Lord Grantham now."

"He's not sure what to do about all this grandeur." The woman bent to check herself in the mirror. "You'd think him growing up in and out of this house for his whole life he'd be used to it."

"Perhaps it's that he's not used to it because now it's his responsibility, milady. It's a daunting house for those who work here. I can't imagine what it's like to run a house like this."

"Neither can Patrick but he never stops going on about his valet."

"Mr. Bates?"

"Yes. He thinks the world of Bates and continuously gushes about how wonderful and observant and attentive he his."

"How'd Lord Grantham find Mr. Bates?"

The woman sighed, "My father brought him on while you were… away. They served in the Army together and due to Bates's injury they had to discharge him. My father snapped him up the first chance he had."

"And Lord Grantham kept him after-"

The woman nodded, "Bates and Patrick get along well, always did. When my father died Patrick couldn't bear to part with Bates because I think he hoped Bates could help him through the transition better than anyone else."

Anna bit her lip, "I was sorry to hear about your father milady."

The woman took a deep breath, "It was a shock. But then everyone thought that ship was unsinkable so I guess we could never've been the only ones to suffer. We lost Thomas too and O'Brien was inconsolable for weeks."

"Your mother's lady's maid, milady?"

"That's right. I don't know what she sees in O'Brien but she's been here so long I can't convince Mama to find someone else. Especially now that Mama can take to spending alternating days in virtual mourning."

"I guess it's about what you're used to."

"I guess." The woman straightened, "Time to go down."

At that moment the door opened and both women turned to see a young man, with brown hair, standing at the door. "Mary, our guests are here."

"I know Patrick and I was just on my way."

Mr. Patrick turned to Anna, "Smith, they told me you were back." He crossed the room and shook her hand, "I'm so glad you got here safely. Mary's talked of nothing else but having you back."

"I'm ever so grateful you took me back, milord."

Mr. Patrick waved a hand, "I stand with Mary on this. Whatever comes of it, Downton bears it all for those who are loyal to this house and you've been nothing but loyal so, consider us at your disposal as you've been at ours."

"Thank you, milord."

Mr. Patrick turned to Lady Mary, "Are you coming?"

"Yes," Lady Mary scowled, "I don't know why you had to invite Mr. Napier and that Turkish diplomat. They're nothing to us."

"International interests, dear."

Anna waited for the couple to leave the room before she gathered Lady Mary's things. She moved into the shared room and hung them carefully in Lady Mary's closet there and as she went to leave the door opened. Anna froze as she found herself face-to-face with the valet, John Bates.

He blinked at her before stepping to the side. His move allowed her the chance to leave the room before he entered. Anna attempted a weak smile and escaped the room, ducking her head as she hurried downstairs.

She went to enter the servant's hall but a voice called out to her. Freezing a moment she had to remind herself the voice was a friendly one and not an antagonist. Anna turned and gave a sigh of relief to see Mrs. Hughes approaching her.

Mrs. Hughes embraced her and Anna worked up the nerve to return the gesture as best she could. When Mrs. Hughes pulled away she gave a satisfied sigh and smile. "I'm sorry I haven't had a chance to really speak with you today. We were so rushed this morning but I just wanted to tell you how thrilled I am you're back."

"As am I Mrs. Hughes." Anna paused, lowering her voice, "Is Mr. Carson still here? I haven't seen him."

"Mr. Carson is and he'll be the soul of discretion about what happened." Mrs. Hughes shook her head, "No one believed it. For all his talk about the honor of the house, Mr. Carson never thought for a second you capable of something like that and, for that matter, nor do I. No matter what happened, I know you're innocent in all this from start to finish."

"Thank you, Mrs. Hughes." Anna blinked, trying to stop any tears. "It means the world that you'd say that."

"How are you settling in?"

"Well enough. There's more stairs here than Downton Place but I have my own room and I can't argue with that."

"It's something for being a lady's maid." Mrs. Hughes sighed, taking a longing look at the walls around them. "And everything else?"

"It's a little odd. Like I've been here but I haven't. Like no time's passed and yet it has." Anna shrugged, "I guess it's the nature of the remove."

"Yes it is." Mrs. Hughes took a moment, worrying her lip between her teeth. "And, how are you personally?"

"Resigned, Mrs. Hughes."

"I would've thought, with the conclusion of the case, it'd be over for you so you could move forward."

"It'll never be over for me, Mrs. Hughes, and I learned to accept that." Anna pulled her mouth to smile but even she could feel the strain on her jaw but not near her eyes. "In the eyes of the law I as good as killed a man."

"They found you innocent, Anna."

"It doesn't matter. I went to prison and no matter what the end result was, I'll always have that following me."

Mrs. Hughes put a hand on Anna's shoulder, "It won't be any help dear, but if there's anything I can do to get you to leave that weight behind you, please let me know."

Anna nodded, "I will Mrs. Hughes. Thank you."

They walked into the servant's hall and Mr. Carson, just finishing addressing the other servants, turned to her. "Ms. Smith it's a pleasure to see you again."

He shook her hand and Anna, for a brief moment, wished she could hold his hand without flinching. "Thank you Mr. Carson. I'd hoped you were well."

"As well as one can be. There's been a dark cloud over this house the past few months."

"So I heard." Anna cleared her throat, "And I'm so sorry."

"Thank you Ms. Smith."

Anna took her hand back and realized she had no idea where to sit as this new table. The scrape of a chair drew her attention and she looked toward the china cabinet to see Mr. Bates drawing back a chair. He smiled and Anna rounded the table to hurry into it.

She barely glanced over at him and only murmured her thanks. He smiled in return, reaching for her cup to pour her some of the tea. Pushing it toward her he whispered, "You look worked off your feet."

"There's more stairs here than I'm used to."

"I understand. I came here from the army, thinking I was ready for the strain, but it did me in for weeks." He patted his right leg, "I had twinges and pains until the muscles adjusted."

"But you adjusted?"

"Of course. The body is a hardy thing and humans are remarkable creatures."

"They certainly are." Anna put her hands in her lap, playing with her fingers, "You were Lord Grantham's… I mean, the former Lord Grantham's valet as well?"

"Yes." He face took on a sorrowful expression. "I had the pleasure of knowing him the army and working for him for two years after I left the army. But I had to get an operation on my leg the day he was leaving for America on the _Titanic_ so Thomas, Patrick Lord Grantham's former valet, took my position."

"A strike of providence then?" Anna risked and heard a disapproving snort from O'Brien.

"Providence that poor Thomas froze to death in that water? Providence that his lordship drown saving women and children? That kind of providence Ms. Smith?"

"I don't think Ms. Smith meant anything by it Ms. O'Brien." Mrs. Hughes risked but O'Brien pushed herself up from the table.

"You may not've been here when Thomas was but he was a valuable member of this household and it's lesser for him not being here." O'Brien stormed out and Anna could only gape after her.

"She and Thomas were thick as thieves." Mr. Bates whispered to her, "They shared more between the two of them than I ever shared with my ex-wife."

"I'm sorry?" Anna shook herself back to the conversation, "I didn't know you were married Mr. Bates."

"Was. She and I have since broken with one another."

"I'm sorry. That must've been difficult for you."

"No," Mr. Bates shook his head. "We weren't right for one another and we should've known it then but we were fools. Young, passionate, and foolish are never good combinations at the start of a marriage. It took the army to set me right and to sour the marriage."

"I see." Anna played with her teacup before lifting it to her lips.

"What of you Ms. Smith? Is there a Mr. Smith somewhere?"

Anna started and shook her head, perhaps a little too quickly. "No. There's no Mr. Smith."

"Oh," Mr. Bates nodded, "Then what brings you to Downton?"

"I was her Ladyship's lady's maid when she lived at Downton Place." Anna set her cup back down, clutching her hands to keep them from shaking. "Then I had to go away for a time and when her lady's maid left to be married she asked for me back."

"Must be a comfort for her, especially since she could use someone she trusts at her side as she rules the roost?" Mr. Bates smiled at Anna but she could only manage a wince.

"I guess."

"I think you'll fit in nicely here, Ms. Smith." Mr. Bates waved his hand in the direction of the disappeared O'Brien. "And don't let her bother you. She'll come around and I'm sure you'll win her over."

"I doubt it."

"You already won me over." Mr. Bates nodded at her. "You seem more than capable to handle this challenge."

"I hope so." Anna stared at her plate. "I truly hope so."

They finished eating and Mr. Bates checked his watch before placing a hand on Anna's. She flinched away, grabbing the appendage back to her chest. It took her a moment to control her breathing and a flick of her eyes toward Mr. Bates registered how he froze in response to her actions.

"Sorry. I'm just not used to people touching me." Anna knew her face reddened and she wanted nothing more than to vanish from the table.

"I apologize for being forward." Mr. Bates pushed his chair back and took his cane. "I just wanted to ask if you'd like to take in some fresh air with me. Spend too long in the house and it gets stuffy I think."

"I-" Anna fumbled for words a moment before nodding. "Of course, that would be lovely."

The click of his cane on the stones of the hall alternately set Anna's teeth on edge and soothed her with its consistency. They pushed into the yard and Mr. Bates motioned to the bench. Anna perched gingerly on the edge as Mr. Bates sat on it fully, stretching his legs out to give Anna an unobstructed view of the sheer size of him compared to her.

His chest expanded as he took in a deep breath. "There's just something about summer air that holds so much promise. I love breathing in that kind of unfiltered potential."

"Are you a poet, Mr. Bates?"

"No," He laughed, "I do love poetry but I'm not much for making it myself. I'd say failure in love makes me a poor expert on the subject."

"Don't poets talk about failed love?" Anna looked at the ground, "Love that spoiled and soured? The loves that grew dark and terrible?"

"They do. I don't read them because I prefer poetry filled with promise, hopes for the future." Mr. Bates adjusted, extending his leg to stretch the muscles there. "Too much is already dismal in the world. I don't want to bring that kind of despair to my nightly reading."

"Yes, bound to give you nightmares."

"Do you read much Ms. Smith?"

"No. I don't have any of my books anymore." Anna mumbled and then covered her mouth when she realized she just spoke out loud. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that."

"If you'd like I could lend you a few of mine." Mr. Bates turned to her, "Granted my collection is mostly comprised of the classics you've probably read before but I find comfort in rereading stories that end the way you remember."

"How so?"

"With so much in real life uncertain it's a thrill to know that the people you love will always find one another again. Over and over they find happiness and you go on the journey with them as a friend." Mr. Bates chuckled, "I'm sorry. I'm probably boring you."

"No," Anna shook her head. "I find it refreshing to talk about books. When I was in… at my last place I didn't have anyone who'd read as much as me so I couldn't talk about it with anyone."

"Well," Mr. Bates stood, the faint sound of a bell in the background calling them. "Anytime you want to discuss literature, let me know and I'd be happy to share what little I know."

"I'd like that." Anna stood as well, extending her left hand.

She expected Mr. Bates to shake it with his unencumbered hand but instead, like he shook her hand that morning, he notched his cane over his arm and took her hand in his right. He drew it carefully to his mouth and placed a gentle kiss there.

"A gentleman kisses a lady's hand to say goodnight." He released and Anna retracted her arm, hand tingling.

"I'm not a lady, Mr. Bates."

"You are to me and I'll hazard I've never met a finer one." Mr. Bates stepped to the side and gestured with his arm, "Ladies first."


	3. Sonder

Anna shook herself, realizing she had been staring at Mr. Bates. His focus was on repairing a hunting jacket at the table as the blonde footman, William, pounded out a tune on the keys of the piano to the delight of the maids gathered in the corner. Trying to focus on her work, Anna took up her needle and used her fingers to hold the lace in place.

"That's fine work." She looked up and noticed Mr. Bates pointing to the lace in her hand. "The detail to that is finer than I could move my large fingers around."

"I doubt it." Anna gestured to the jacket. "You take great care with that and your fingers are more nimble than you give yourself credit for."

"Wool is sturdy and if I fumble with the thread it won't be a great loss. His lordship tends toward the forgiving in such things. Especially if they're almost invisible to the naked eye." He lowered his voice to whisper in a conspiratorial tone. "Though her ladyship has a habit of noticing, and pointing it out to him, so I've gotten more careful."

"She's got an eye for detail." Anna smiled to herself, "It's something we discussed when I first worked for her."

"Back at Downton Place?"

"Yes." Anna tried to keep her smile straight but she knew it dropped a little. "Feels like a lifetime ago"

They were silent a moment before Anna hurried to speak again. "You mentioned, the other day, how you knew the last Earl. The relationship you had must've been very special."

"I'd like to think it was as special to him as it was to me."

Anna chewed her lip, "It must be hard on you to be here without him."

Mr. Bates set his jaw, nodding. "He was a great employer and, if I'm not being too bold, a great friend. I wish I could've been with him 'til the end."

"Then you wouldn't be here, Mr. Bates." Anna jerked her shoulder, "And I believe that might've been a bit of a tragedy for the rest of us."

"You're kind to say so." Mr. Bates broke into a smile, "I'll take a compliment like that from anyone as lovely as yourself any day."

"You're very generous with your compliments yourself, Mr. Bates."

"It never hurts to be nice to people who are kind."

"No, it doesn't." Anna gathered a breath, "But you like Lord Grantham?"

"He's young but he's learning fast and he's got a knack for this kind of thing. Practically born and bred to it." Mr. Bates shrugged, "He's taken the reins sooner than he wanted but I guess we never know where life'll take us do we?"

"No," She returned to her lace, her thoughts suddenly farther away from the table than she liked and frenzied shouting filled her ears. Blinking quickly, she forced her mind to the moment at hand. "We've really no idea."

"Life and it's many mysteries yes?" He smiled at her, continuing his work. "But I think your thoughts were occupied with something else just now."

"Were they?" Anna tried to laugh it away, a cold sweat breaking over her brow and spine. "I wouldn't know where else they could go."

"Wherever it was, your eyes were far away." Mr. Bates paused in his work, "May I ask where those thoughts took you?"

"Nowhere you'd want to go." Anna sighed, "And a place I wish I never had to go myself."

He set his work down, leaning over the table to whisper under the raucous tune from the piano. "If you've a moment, I'd like to ask you a question."

"What is it?"

He winced, "This isn't really the place."

"Then where?"

"Outside?"

Anna glanced at her work and nodded. They stood, exiting the servant's hall, and headed to the courtyard. In the early afternoon there was no one there but he led them toward a secluded alcove anyway. She followed and shivered slightly in the cool air, a clear indication of fall approaching faster than she liked.

Mr. Bates faced her, "I don't know anything more than the details his lordship let slip by accident but just know that you can rely on me to keep your secret. If you need someone to talk to about it, or someone to confide in about it, I'm here. I just thought you should know you're not alone here."

Anna paled, trying to moisten her dry mouth. "What secret?"

"I know where you've been, physically, and where you mind was, emotionally, just now." He shook his head, eyes closing a moment as if lost in a memory he wished he could shed. "I've been there before as well."

"I doubt that."

"At the risk of impertinence, Ms. Smith, you don't know where I've been."

"Have you been to prison?" Mr. Bates nodded and Anna gasped, "I'm so sorry. I assumed-"

"It's alright." He held up a hand, "It's not something I discuss. Possibly for the same reasons you keep your experience with it to yourself."

"It's not what you think."

"What I think isn't important." He offered her his hand. "Your secret, whatever bits of it I know, is kept in the strictest confidence."

Anna eyed his hand before taking it, "Thank you. Though I'd like to know why you were in such a horrible place. How you knew that's where my mind went."

"My ex-wife, when she was still my wife, went to prison. I visited her more than a few times." He stepped closer, lowering his voice to avoid being overheard. "I know that look in a person's eyes. It haunts yours."

"Then you've never been inside one, as a prisoner, yourself?"

Mr. Bates shook his head, "No. I considered it for a moment when they arrested my wife but I realized I couldn't do it."

"Couldn't bear prison?"

"Couldn't live the lie any longer." He slipped down to sit on one of the overturned crates. "That was the turning point of my life."

"How so?" Anna bit back, "I'm sorry. That's none of my business."

"You've nothing to apologize for and it's fine." Mr. Bates assured her. "That was the moment I had a choice to make. I could either take my wife's punishment for her, bear the brunt of her guilt and convince her that she owed the world no consequences for her actions, or I could take my life back. I chose the latter."

"Did she hate you terribly?"

"She already hated me. That moment was when she howled and spit all the way to the car, gnashed her teeth at me throughout the whole trial, and then scratched and bit at me every time I visited. That was when I realized I needed to get a divorce." Mr. Bates shrugged, "I thought, perhaps, that if she faced the punishment for her wrongdoing, faced the responsibility of her sin, then her crimes would cease and she'd change. But, after months visiting her and trying to help her see the truth, I realized she never would. She blinded herself to reality and couldn't accept it."

"What'd you do?"

"I filled for divorce and though she fought me tooth and nail for it I got one before I came here to work."

"Fresh start then?"

Mr. Bates nodded with a smile, "The same for you I'd hazard."

"In a way." Anna hugged her arms to herself, but not in cold. She used her arms to protect herself. Whether from the memories of from the shadows that always followed her she could not rightly tell. "It helps that the only people who knew me before are Mrs. Hughes and Mr. Carson."

"Do they know where you've been?"

Anna nodded, "They testified for my character. It helped in the case but I still served time inside a prison."

"How long?"

"From the moment they arrested me?" Anna shuddered, "Nine months. Her ladyship offered to pay my bail and bring me from London to York but the court refused. They assumed that she'd help me flee the country and denied me bail"

"Where's they keep you?"

"London." Anna scoffed, "The bugger got himself run over by a street car and someone thought I pushed him into the street. When the witness chose me in a lineup they thought it was enough evidence to arrest me."

Mr. Bates clenched his fist in solidarity, "That's horrible."

"But it's over now." Anna gathered herself. "That's the past and I try not to think about it."

"As we all should." Mr. Bates stood, "But if you do need someone to talk to about it, and I mean any of it, I've got big ears and a small mouth."

Anna laughed, "I'll bear that in mind, Mr. Bates."

"And now that I've heard your real laugh I think I'll endeavor to make you laugh again if I can." They took a step forward walking in sync toward the back door, when Mr. Bates spoke again, "Was there anything about your experience that wasn't terrifying?"

"How'd you mean?"

"Well," He struggled to form the words he wanted for a moment. "When I served with the late Lord Grantham in the Boer Wars there was very little that I care to remember but the parts that I do remember aren't all bad."

"Like what?"

"The animals. I'd never seen anything as majestic as a lion before and I was awed by it. The people. They came from everywhere and there was nothing I couldn't learn from someone. It was a wonderful place to know myself better." Mr. Bates shrugged, "For all the terrible violence and the horrible things we sometimes were required to do there was good in it."

Anna thought a moment, pulling back from the door to give her answer. "I learned how to sonder there."

"To what?"

"It's the realization that each passerby has a life as vivid and complex as your own." Anna mused, "My cellmate, for all of my stay, was a violent and aggressive woman but I slowly learned that she had a life before sharing that cell with me. Even the most frightening ghoul in that hole had a story to tell. Had something to teach me if I cared to learn from it."

"That's a very mature way to think of it."

"It was all I could do. Either that or cry into my pillow at night and I had no desire to do that." Anna held her head high, rolling her shoulders back, "I learned not to show weakness. I could marvel and wonder at the lives people lived before but what I needed more than anything was to be strong. I learned how to be that."

"I think the strongest thing you did was survive, if I may say."

"I don't mind you saying it." Anna took a deep breath, "I think we'd better get back or they'll start a rumor about how we've taken so long outside."

"With Thomas no longer here I doubt that." Mr. Bates let out a chuckle, "It's been interesting watching Ms. O'Brien struggle to rule the roost like she used to without him at her side. And with you here…"

"Is that why she doesn't like me?"

"You've got the keys to the kingdom, so to speak." Mr. Bates pulled the door open, "She doesn't like not wielding the power she used to as head lady's maid."

"And you?"

"I don't like power. If it's not used to help others than what's the point?"

They entered the hallway and Anna waited for Mr. Bates to close the door before speaking again. "Do you ever sonder?"

"I think I do." He clacked his cane on the stones. "Every train station I've ever visited has all those people gathered to go any number of places. It's a mess of lives lived and loved and lost and looking forward… It's a miracle in its own way."

"It's very poetic."

"We've all got out hidden talents." Mr. Bates stepped back to let her enter the servant's hall before him. "Do you know what yours is?"

Anna gathered her mending, staring at the table before turning back to Mr. Bates. "I survive, Mr. Bates."

"It's a necessary skill to be sure."

"It's what's kept me alive." Anna turned at the sound of a bell. "I'd best be off."

"Needs must."

Anna nodded, pausing in a thought with her mouth slightly open, "I want to thank you, Mr. Bates."

"Whatever for Ms. Smith?"

"For not judging me. It was well within your rights to do so and you responded with uncommon kindness. I haven't known much of that in my life and I'm glad I found it here."

"It's truly my pleasure and the offer, as ever, stands at your necessity." He cleared room for her to take the stairs. "Shall I save you a seat at dinner, Ms. Smith?"

"That'd be lovely." Anna stopped on the stairs, "I could do with a friendly chat about then."

"Then I'm lucky to count myself your friend." He beamed at her before returning to the servant's hall and she took the stairs with a lighter step than before.


	4. Monachopsis

Anna hurried down the stairs, buttoning her collar button as she rounded the stairs. She collided with a body there, sending both skidding and bumping into the walls of the tight turn, and sound the stairwell echoed with their cries of pain. When Anna went to apologize her expression fell. The face that greeted her curled into a nasty sneer.

"You should be watching where you're going Ms. Smith."

"I'm terrible sorry, Ms. O'Brien." Anna fumbled with her collar again, "It wasn't intentional."

"As unintentional as you pushing a man into the street?"

Anna froze, "I beg your pardon?"

Ms. O'Brien stepped toward her, pressing her into the wall. "Don't think I haven't asked around about what happened to you, Ms. Smith. Thomas talked about you when he worked for Lord Grantham at Downton Place and I remember you from when you started here. It wasn't just me who thought it so strange when you vanished for nine months to come back now."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"I'm talking about the death of Mr. Green, the valet to Mr. Anthony Foyle, next viscount of Gillingham." Ms. O'Brien snorted, "I've heard rumors about the house party he attended at Downton Place."

"Whatever you've heard's got nothing to do with me." Anna nodded toward the stairs, "Now let me by."

"I think it's got everything to do with you."

"I-"

"Ms. O'Brien!" Anna jumped as Mrs. Hughes's Scottish brogue deepened to echo with authority in the stairwell. "The Dowager Countess has been ringing for you for ten minutes now and here I find you loitering on the stairs."

"Just having a friendly conversation with Ms. Smith here."

"It looked quite the opposite of friendly."

"Looks can be deceiving, Mrs. Hughes." Ms. O'Brien held herself straighter, "You never know what someone could be hiding."

"Just as you never know where your next meal's coming from if you don't get to it." Mrs. Hughes snapped her fingers, pointing down the stairs, "Now, Ms. O'Brien."

Ms. O'Brien scowled but hurried down the stairs. Mrs. Hughes turned to Anna, sniffing in the corner. With one step toward her Anna broke into tears, collapsing onto the floor.

"There, there dear." Mrs. Hughes helped her to the stair, pulling out a handkerchief. "Don't listen to a word that woman says. She's vile and nasty but she's all bark and no bite."

"She knows, Mrs. Hughes." Anna sobbed, trying to stem the tide of tears but all she did was soak the handkerchief. "You didn't hear what she said."

"It won't matter what she said if Lady Mary took you back then the world can hang itself."

"Like it tried to hang me?" Anna met Mrs. Hughes's gaze, her lip quivering. "I can't risk bringing shame to this house. They avoided it last time only by the skin of their teeth."

"If Ms. O'Brien says anything she'll be out on her ear faster than she can whine about it and given how quickly she gives over to whining that's a promise from me."

Anna tried to laugh but it caught in her throat. "And then? When she's told the world what she knows and no one speaks to the Crawley family again? When I've blackballed them from every ballroom? What then, Mrs. Hughes?"

"I know it's no good for you to weep about it here on this staircase when all she has are threats and idle gossip."

"That's all she needs Mrs. Hughes."

"She'll need more than that if she intends to fight Lady Mary Crawley." Mrs. Hughes sighed, "I don't worship at the altar of the Blessed Lady Mary the way Mr. Carson does and I don't believe in the grandeur of this house most days but the way that woman fought for you I know she'd open a vein for you if you needed it."

"Truly?"

"Truly." Mrs. Hughes barked a laugh, "She'd be pulling her reserves from Mr. Carson to do so but she'd do it."

Anna giggled, wiping at her eyes with the now sopping handkerchief. "It's just a dark cloud hanging over my head, Mrs. Hughes."

"You've been here for a few months now Anna, hasn't it gotten any better?"

Anna shrugged, "It's like there's something on my back. Like… like monachopsis." Mrs. Hughes shook her head, confused. "It's the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place."

"You're saying you feel out of place?"

"Every day." Anna waved a hand down the stairs, "I go down there, I eat with them, I mend at the same table and all the while I just feel like the conversations they're having about the most natural of things are all in a foreign language. I can't talk about what they do because I don't feel happy like they do."

"There's nothing wrong with being a reserved spirit, Anna."

"But there is something wrong with feeling like you'll never belong anywhere again." Anna sighed, "I shouldn't've come back here. I should've gone to America or something."

"Lady Mary needs you Anna." Mrs. Hughes bit her lip, "She won't say it but when she lost her father, last April, she lived in black for three months. She barely ate and poor Lord Grantham was frantic for a way to help her. The only times she brightened was when she went to visit you."

"Me?"

"You saw past all her suffering Anna. She confided in you the way she never could with anyone else." Mrs. Hughes took Anna's hand, "She needs you here to help her take her place as a great lady of the county."

"She always was a great lady Mrs. Hughes."

"When her mother could help her yes. But the Dowager Countess, both of them, have been sick with grief at the loss of Lord Grantham. They're beside themselves and now Lady Mary has to take it all on alone." Mrs. Hughes rubbed Anna's hand, "You can't abandon her when she needs you most."

Anna nodded, "She's the reason I came back at all."

"Then trust that she'll stand by you as you've stood by her. As far as you're both concerned you're the one person the other has." A ringing bell in the distance brought them both to attention, "And it seems she needs you right now."

"Yes Mrs. Hughes." Anna hurried down to the kitchen, stopping when she saw Mr. Bates hefting two trays.

He smiled at her, holding one out, "You came right on time. Now I don't have to manage two."

"How'd you manage one with your cane?"

"The cane's more of a benefit. Without it I'm not hindered so much as not as able. It's a limp, not a lacking limb." Mr. Bates waited until Anna's hands were under the tray before nodding to the stairs, "Care to lead the way Ms. Smith?"

"Does Lord Grantham always take his breakfast in bed?"

"Only on their anniversary." Mr. Bates managed the stairs right behind her as Anna took the tight turn. "And whenever he doesn't want to risk the morning deluge in the dining room."

"How often is that?"

"About every other day." Mr. Bates winked, "But mostly he's down promptly at eight every morning."

"And you?"

"I wake him up at seven."

"Does he sleep in his dressing room?"

"Only a few days a month." Mr. Bates stopped at a door as Anna backed her way out of it, holding it open with her body so he could exit. "The days her ladyship is a little less genial than others."

"Mr. Bates that kind of talk is beneath you."

"I stand corrected." He grinned and followed her down the hall until they split at their respective rooms.

Almost in sync they arranged the trays to knock. Two voices responded and both pushed their way into the rooms. Anna smiled at Lady Mary, arranging herself under the covers, and holding out her arms for the tray.

"Right on time, as always." Lady Mary waited for Anna to pour the tea before taking the cup. "Though you look a little worse for wear this morning."

"I had a good cry on the staircase with Mrs. Hughes but it's alright now."

"What about?" Lady Mary asked over the top of her cup as Anna stepped back, worrying the fingers of one hand with her other.

"It's nothing milady."

"Anna you only ever make that face or do that with you hands when it's something serious." Lady Mary set down her cup, "What is it?"

"Ms. O'Brien intimated this morning that she's heard some things that could come back to injure the family."

"What things?" Lady Mary stopped, "This wouldn't have anything to do with the thankfully late Mr. Green would it?"

"It very well may."

"Or your stay in a decidedly less glorious location?"

"She hinted as much."

"I always wondered why my mother kept her around." Lady Mary sighed, "She hasn't done anything yet though?"

"Just threats."

"She doesn't like that she's not head lady's maid anymore. Not that it truly matters." Lady Mary arranged her dressing gown, folding her arms over it. "She just wants to feel relevant again because she knows she isn't."

"Milady," Anna tugged at her fingers, "I don't want to put this house under any scrutiny or give it a poor reputation but I don't-"

"Anna," Mary set her tray to the side, swinging her legs around to get off the bed. "As I told you the first night you came back, I'd take you back under whatever circumstances I needed to so I could have you here, with me."

"But your house, milady?"

"Is nothing without the people who work in it." Lady Mary almost reached a hand out to her but retracted. "What kind of people could we bring into this house if we're not loyal to those in it as they are to us?"

"I wouldn't know, milady."

"Then we'll endeavor never to find out." Lady Mary sat back down, picking at her toast, "Now, I've a dinner this evening with my grandmother. She's inviting some distant relatives we've never met before for tea."

"How fancy, milady?"

"Not very. They're only from Manchester."

Anna giggled, "Very good milady. I'll find a few options for you."

"Good." Lady Mary bit into the toast. "Families like mine have too many distant relatives."

Anna went into the dressing room, gathering a few options. On her way out she dodged the opening door. Mr. Bates stood there, smiling at her, and stepped back for her to exit. "I do seem to continually find you at the exact wrong moment."

"We're just very good at our jobs." Anna pulled the fabric of one of the dresses over her arm. "Thank you, again, for preparing Lady Mary's tray this morning."

"You were busy and I was already there." Mr. Bates shrugged, sucking in to allow Anna past him. "Though, if you're feeling up to it, "I'd be curious to know what had your eyes all red this morning."

"Just lack of sleep." Anna tried to smile but froze when she felt his hand brush her shoulder.

"I know what tears look like Ms. Smith. If there's anything I can do to prevent more of them please let me know."

"It's nothing that Mrs. Hughes and Lady Mary aren't already endeavoring to put a stop to."

"Be that as it may," Mr. Bates persisted, "If I can be of any aid I want to help."

"Why is that, Mr. Bates?" Anna waited, standing in the hall while she continued to fiddle with the dresses in her arms. "Why do you care so much about me?"

"I see a lot of what I could've been in you, Ms. Smith. The person I could've been if I let my ex-wife control me or my life."

"But you didn't."

"You're right." Mr. Bates took a step toward her, "But whatever happened to you, whatever horrible things led you to this path over all others, those things weren't your choice."

"So you're helping me because life has been unkind?"

"I'm helping you because I know, under all that fear and the worry you're a very different person."

"I was a different person." Anna nodded her head toward Lady Mary's rooms. "I should get going."

"Just know, Ms. Smith, that I believe that person is still inside you. Under whatever you believe made you different you're still the person you were before. She's just changed."

"How so, Mr. Bates?"

"She's stronger." He bowed his head to her, "Good morning, Ms. Smith."


	5. Opia

Pulling the door to the dressing room closed, Anna looked up as Gwen hurried down the hall toward her. Anna went to smile but noted Gwen's furrowed brow and how she dry washed her hands. She put out a hand to pull Gwen to the side.

"Is something wrong?"

"I think so, but I can't be sure." Gwen nodded toward the dressing room and Anna led her inside it, shutting the door as Gwen sat on the edge of the bed.

Anna took position beside her, "What is it?"

"I'm sure Mrs. Hughes told you that your leaving and Lord Grantham's passing laid her ladyship very low yes?"

"She did."

"Well," Gwen swallowed, looking around as if afraid someone might come into the room or was hiding just behind the curtains. Anna surveyed the room herself before nudging Gwen to continue. "When she was, his lordship and she didn't sleep together."

"Sometimes that happens."

"But he also didn't sleep in here."

"What?"

Gwen pulled at her fingers, almost intent on yanking them from their sockets. "Mr. Bates is too nice a person to say anything but I think he suspected a few times when his lordship didn't quite make it back before Mr. Bates came to wake him."

"Make it back from where?"

"That's the thing. I wasn't sure where he'd be going since none of the cars were taken out so I thought maybe he'd sleep in one of the other rooms, just for old times sake but I change the beds and help dust in all those rooms and none were used."

Anna covered her mouth with her hand, "You're suggesting he spent the night in another room… with someone?"

Gwen nodded, "I once heard Daisy whispering to William that she saw his lordship leaving one of the rooms in the girls' corridor but he shushed her about it. Now I'm not so sure she didn't see something."

"What makes you so sure now?"

"This morning I tried to fit Lady Edith into a dress she's worn a hundred times and the buttons won't fasten. I'll have to take it out."

"Maybe she's just put on weight."

"But this is the fifth dress in the last month I've had to do this with." Gwen stared at her hands, "I don't want to say anything that could besmirch the name of Lady Edith but I think she's in the family way."

"And you think his lordship's the father?"

"Who else?" Gwen lowered her voice, "I know you were here when her ladyship was still Lady Mary so you must know that Lady Edith and his lordship were quite close before he married her ladyship."

"I suspected but neither of them would go against Lord Grantham's wishes for the estate to pass to Mr. Patrick and Lady Mary."

"I don't think those feelings go away as easily." Gwen took a deep breath, "I think, when his lordship was beside himself as to what to do, he turned to Lady Edith."

"Did you see something to suggest that?"

"I watched them after dinner and I'd have to stay up late to help her undress. They'd talk in the library at all hours and take trips to London or York together."

Anna nodded, "And you haven't told anyone else?"

"Mrs. Hughes'd come over all sensible and Mr. Carson'd threaten to toss me out on my ear for daring suggest anything improper was going on in this house." Gwen flailed her hands, "I didn't know who else to tell and I think Lady Edith might be in the same predicament."

"Has she told you?"

"I think she wants to but she doesn't know how."

Anna shrugged, "How do you tell someone you're in the family way without a husband and then admit who the father of the child is?"

"In my family they sent you away for a year and then the child was taken in by a well-meaning family there."

"There were a few girls where I grew up that did that but everyone knew." Anna pinched the bridge of her nose. "We've got to tell Mrs. Hughes. We can't tell her ladyship or she'll just row with the both of them."

"What about the Dowager?"

"Which one?"

"Either?"

"Her ladyship's mother's been unreachable since the former Lord Grantham died." Anna took a deep breath, "As much as her ladyship's grandmother terrifies me I think she's the best option. She'll know what to do."

"What about his lordship?"

"We'll leave that to Lady Edith if," Anna held up a finger, "And only if it's actually his. It's none of our business in that regard. We're here to protect the reputation of this house, whatever that requires of us."

Gwen nodded and they left the dressing room, hurrying to the servant's hall. Mr. Bates looked up at them, smile swiftly fading as he read their expressions. "Do you ladies need something?"

"Mrs. Hughes." Anna pointed toward her sitting room, "Is she there?"

"I think she and Mr. Carson were speaking in his office but it was just about menus and wines. They shouldn't be too busy." He stood, unhooking his cane to join them, "Is there something I can help with?"

Anna glanced at Gwen, who shrugged. "It's not something we want spreading."

"I'm not one for gossip." Mr. Bates frowned, "But if it's something to do with this house then I'm at your service."

"We think Lady Edith may be in a bit of trouble."

Mr. Bates's face hardened, "I think I may know a thing or two about that. I'll assume it's what you're telling Mrs. Hughes."

"She needs to know."

"No, she doesn't." Mr. Bates gestured them toward the corridor, lowering his voice. "A secret is best kept by one person. Since it's now kept by more than that our duty is to limit the damage."

"She'd want to know." Gwen insisted but Mr. Bates shook his head.

"No, she'd rather not know. Just as Mr. Carson wouldn't take well to where that information and the inevitable line of inquiry would lead."

"Then you know what happened."

"I know that Lady Edith and his lordship had a close relationship before and, in some moments of weakness, they made decisions they both regret. Unfortunately it's not something they can change now."

"But you haven't spoken up?" Anna pointed her finger at him, "Why've you not said anything?"

"His lordship asked I keep the secret and that's what I did. However," He paused, sounds of people down the stairs forcing them further down the corridor. "If you both know anything about it I'll assume it's because there are larger consequences than a guilty conscience involved."

"You could say that." Gwen muttered and Mr. Bates gave a sigh.

"What was your plan now?"

"After telling Mrs. Hughes we were going to suggest she should tell the Dowager Countess." Anna held Mr. Bates's interrogative stare.

"I'll assume you mean the former Lord Grantham's mother and not his wife." Anna nodded and Mr. Bates shrugged, "There's logic in that. Her ladyship's mother isn't in the right state of mind to handle the news that her son-in-law is the suspected father of her unwed daughter's baby."

"Should we tell his lordship?" Gwen joined the conversation, wringing her hands less with each sentence. "He deserves to know."

"Not yet. Not until there's a clear course of action." Mr. Bates sighed, "He'll die of shock when he knows we all know."

"The circle'll only grow." Anna reminded them and Mr. Bates grunted his agreement.

"Like I said, a secret between so many people is only easy if all of them are dead."

"I thought you said a secret is best kept by one person."

"It's the same thought." He pointed them toward the back door. "If you've nothing immediately pressing I know that Dowager doesn't leave her the Dower House before eleven so we can catch her before she decides to pay a call."

"She's hosting cousins from Manchester." Anna reminded them as Mr. Bates handed she and Gwen their coats. "It could prove awkward."

"Then we'll have to endeavor to make it as not awkward as possible."

The three of them hurried out of the servants' entrance, taking the path to the village and wending their way to the Dower House. Anna and Gwen drew back, allowing Mr. Bates to knock on the back door, and then followed him inside when the butler admitted them. Divesting themselves of their coats they waited until the Dowager Countess's butler beckoned them toward the sitting room.

Anna clutched her hands, hoping they would stop shaking, but only found herself more on edge when they confronted the Dowager. She sat as straight-backed as her chair with her walking stick secured in a grip Anna wondered if she learned from years of beating people with it. But this thought quickly faded as Mr. Bates bowed his head toward her and spoke.

"I do apologize, your ladyship, that we're interrupting your morning."

"No, no," She waved a hand, inspecting them in a way that had Gwen fretting with her hair and squirming under her gaze. "I find trouble usually comes in threes and since all of you decided to come at once there's only one thing to do and assume you're harbingers of bad news."

"We're that, in a way." Mr. Bates looked over his female companions before facing the Dowager again. "Though I'll be the first to admit that what we're about to tell you is mostly educated supposition."

"I do enjoy intrigue. Though I'm a little disappointed that there's so much action that's already occurred offstage." She huffed, "I detest Greek drama."

"I'm sure, your ladyship," Anna raised her voice, working to surmount the tremor there, "That there's more than enough drama left to enjoy."

"Oh?" The older woman cackled hopefully. "Then pleas proceed."

"It's a delicate matter but we felt you'd be the one most qualified to handle the problem."

Her eyebrow rose and her lips pursed, "Then I'm to clean up someone else's mess?"

"It's in your best interest to do so." Anna insisted, putting a hand on Gwen's shoulder. "This morning Gwen came to me saying she's been letting out more and more of Lady Edith's dresses."

"Sometimes women eat more cake than they should, Smith, it's not unusual that their bodies react accordingly."

"It wouldn't be unusual except that she's also stopped her monthlies, your ladyship." Gwen finally let her voice out, practically a whisper but enough to reach the Dowager and, if possible, send her back straighter than before.

"Excuse me?"

"I clean all the bedrooms, your ladyship. I change the linens and I deliver them to the laundry. I know the ladies of the house and their habits better than they do and I know Lady Edith's not bled on her sheets in four months."

"Perhaps she's just ill. I've heard of this happening."

"Except she's not ill." Gwen cringed, "Sometimes in the mornings she is but by noon she's devoured all the biscuits we leave in the jars of their rooms and she's made some of the strangest requests of Mrs. Patmore about meals and special foods."

"I had wondered about the pickles with her fruit." The Dowager turned to Mr. Bates. "And are you here for moral support because I'm so fearsome these ladies couldn't inform me on their own of their suspicions or are you here to admit guilt?"

"The only guilt I have about the matter, your ladyship, is that I believe I know who the father is."

The Dowager used her cane to stand, walking toward the line that did all they could not to shrink back at her presence. "Are you suggesting that there's not only been fornication but also adultery in that house?"

"We're suggesting that something must be done about the results of decisions that some would see as sin but we see only as unfortunate circumstance." Anna watched Mr. Bates hold himself above the Dowager, his voice and manner respectful but his demeanor uncowed by the great lady before him. "We're here because the honor of the house means something to us and we want to do what we can to preserve it."

"Why not go to Cora? It's her daughter and possibly her son-in-law."

"We felt," Anna cleared her throat, shivering as the Dowager turned to her, "That her ladyship isn't in a state to accept the matter with a clear mind."

"And I am?" The Dowager's face fell a touch, Anna watching her eyes edge with tears she refused to shed. "Because I've lost less than she has?"

"No, your ladyship. Because you've lost more and you're still standing." Mr. Bates directed her attention back to him. "We're here because we've great respect for you and what you've endured. It's that same endurance that'll give you the power to help Lady Edith."

"Even though her problem is of her own making?"

"I believe," Anna risked it, keeping her eyes on the carpet to not appear as defiant as her next comment might make her sound. "The Bible teaches that he who is without sin should cast the first stone. As I'm not without sin I don't believe I could cast any stones, not matter what the situation or the circumstances turned out to be."

The Dowager coughed out a laugh, pointing at Anna. "I knew I always liked you. The horrible business in London was an absolute disgrace to you and anyone else involved in it so I'm glad you're back with us."

"As am I, your ladyship." Anna curtsied. "But we would like to know that you'll keep our names out this. We don't want Lady Edith or his lordship to worry about what we may or may not know."

"What you mean is you don't want Mary to know you knew and didn't say anything?" The Dowager tapped her finger alongside her nose. "I've not compunction to say anything to anyone unless it directly involves them. That includes Cora."

"We'd risk Ms. O'Brien getting it out of her and then telling anyone at the slightest chance of personal gain." Gwen muttered, biting her tongue when the Dowager turned to her.

"Don't look so worried girl. I couldn't agree with you more. That woman's Guy Fawkes in women's clothing." The Dowager walked back to the chair, wobbling slightly as she leaned on her cane, but took her throne again. "I'm taking the Crawleys up to the Abbey for dinner tonight. I'll speak with Edith alone and convince her I've a plan for this."

"Thank you, your ladyship." They all managed their forms of respect as she rang the bell at the table off her right-hand.

"I'll have you all aware that you're not to breathe a word of this conversation or anything related to it to anyone, yes?"

"We're the souls of discretion." Mr. Bates assured her, allowing Gwen and Anna to precede him through the door the butler opened.

Their walk back to the Abbey felt just as subdued but also lighter. Like a great weight lifted off their shoulders with their decision and the subsequent conversation. Anna slowed her pace, keeping up with Mr. Bates while Gwen hurried ahead with her muttering breaths berating all the work she would need to catch up on now.

"I don't envy her." Anna started at the sound of Mr. Bates voice and he tipped his head in Gwen's direction. "She won't have an excuse for Mrs. Hughes or Mr. Carson as to why she's late that'll satisfy them."

"They're not such brutal task masters that they'd begrudge her a walk." Anna opened her hands around them, "Despite the cold of the day it's good to get out of the house once in awhile and enjoy the air."

"Did they allow that in your last position?"

Anna drew back a bit, remembering the circuits of the yard and the endless lines of drab, shapeless women all walking pointless circles in a yard as gray as their clothing. "Twice a day. Rain or shine, snow or sleet, wind or hail."

"That's not productive."

"They enjoyed watching us suffer." Anna hugged her arms to her body, "But I guess we all suffer in our own ways."

"I wouldn't trade my suffering for what his lordship and Lady Edith must be living with right now." Mr. Bates crunched his cane in the gravel almost in time with their steps. "What a tragedy."

"Which part?"

"All the hearts that'll inevitably break as a result." He pointed to the windows, as if they represented the people who lived behind them. "Lady Edith'll lose the child. Either through means we won't mention and pretend don't exist, or to another family who'll raise it as their own. His lordship'll have to face the fact that he lost his child and even if he didn't he could never claim it. And when her ladyship finds it all out, because people always do, she'll believe everyone around her is a traitor and liar. She'll never trust anyone again."

"You make it all sound so final." Anna swallowed, "I wouldn't want her ladyship to believe I betrayed her."

"It's odd, the things we do for those we love." Mr. Bates led them back to the courtyard near the servant's entrance and motioned to the bench. They sat on it, Anna a bit looser than the first time he proposed she join him there six months ago. "In her heart I believe her ladyship knows that Lady Edith and his lordship love one another more than she loves either of them but she's a nasty habit of taking things from other people because she wants what others have."

"She does but she's also a creature of deep feeling." Anna sighed, "She's one of the only people, in my whole life, who offered to give up everything to help me. My own mother wouldn't do that."

"I didn't say she's not a singular woman, just that she's selfish and not very forgiving of others' selfishness."

"We're not too kind on the actions of others while we judge ourselves by our intentions."

"Rightly put."

Anna shrugged, "Said by someone wiser than myself."

"But you remembered it." Mr. Bates shook his head, "The saddest truth is that these choices'll define the three of them for the rest of their lives and that's hard."

"It's always hard when the choices of others limit your own." Anna sighed, "Her ladyship was just telling me that she and his lordship have been trying for a baby. The idea that he succeeded without her'll break her heart more than learning he betrayed her."

"Watching others get what we want is always soul crushing."

Anna noted how Mr. Bates kept his gaze forward, as if staring at something on the far wall but he looked beyond that. She risked a thought, "I don't want to pry, but I get the feeling you're no stranger to the sensation."

"No, I'm not." Mr. Bates heaved a breath that expanded his lungs and pushed his chest to strain against his buttons. "My wife wasn't faithful to me. At first I thought I could overcome it, adapt to it, but eventually it wears on the heart, poisons the soul."

"What happened?"

"When one of her paramours impregnated her she told me the truth. He'd already run off, having a wife of his own who expected him home by supper, and she returned to me. She was penitent and contrite but soon dissolved into nastiness." Mr. Bates paused, "The baby died and she blamed me."

"I'm so sorry."

He waved it off. "As much as I wanted that child I knew it'd just be a harsh reminder of her unfaithfulness. More to her than me but she'd always throw it back in my face."

"What'd you do?"

"I threw myself into my post with the army. The more time I spent away from her the more I realized how wrong I'd been about trying to salvage what was broken beyond repair. When they arrested her for stealing silver I saw the end." Mr. Bates turned to Anna, meeting her eyes. "I'm not sure you realize, but I've never told anyone this before."

"I'm grateful that I know it." Anna continued to hold his gaze. "I'm grateful to have someone like you, Mr. Bates, to confide your truths in me as I want to confide mine in you."

"Do you, Ms. Smith?" He inched toward her and Anna forced herself not to recoil. "Do you wish to confide in me?"

"I came to you for help this morning."

"I mean about more than our duties in the house?" He broke their gaze for a second, waving a hand at the grand house above them. "I mean about you. About what happened to you."

"There's nothing more to know, Mr. Bates." Anna hung her head, "I was there and now I'm not any longer."

"But there's more to your story Ms. Smith." His fingers brushed over her own and Anna could not stop herself drawing back. He closed his eyes, "I'm sorry, you must think I'm pressing and being rather rude in my invasive nature."

"It's naught to do with you." Anna finally met his eyes again, "It's all to do with me. With what happened."

"And you're not ready yet?"

She shook her head, "I don't know if I ever will be but if I were, I think you'd be someone I'd tell."

"I'm honored." He waited and Anna put her hand in his. "And I'd like to sit out here with you longer but I'm chilled to the bone, which must mean you're freezing, and we've work to do."

"We do." Anna stood, waiting for him to use his cane to support his rise. "I wonder If you know what opia means."

He chuckled, "I'm not the dictionary you are, Ms. Smith."

"It's the ambiguous intensity of looking someone in the eye," Anna waited until his eyes took up all of her vision, losing herself momentarily in the comforting warmth there. "It can feel simultaneously invasive and vulnerable."

"Do you feel vulnerable?"

"All the time, Mr. Bates. But I feel safe in it with you."

"Then it's my hope that you may always feel safe with me."

Anna smiled, "I think I will."


	6. Adronitis

Anna looked up from her mending, pushing her chair back when she recognized the source. "I thought she'd be asleep longer than this."

"They don't bow to our needs Ms. Smith." O'Brien bit out, working a button in place on a great coat she spread over the table.

Anna ignored her, gathering her things in a disorderly stack and hurried from the servant's hall. She went to take the stairs but her button box wobbled and Anna tried to maneuver to catch it. It tumbled from the top of the pile and she could see it spilling all over the floor with the buttons and bobbins rolling to the dark recesses of hither and yon.

However, a hand caught it and Anna sighed at the appearance of Mr. Bates. "You're a genuine life saver."

"Not in this instance." Mr. Bates pointed to her pile, "A bit unsteady there."

"Her ladyship rang for me and I thought she'd be asleep for longer."

"Then I guess she's recovering from her lethargy." Mr. Bates pointed Anna up the stairs and followed her with the button box still firmly in his grip. "Pregnancy must be a burden she's enjoying."

"She's enjoying consuming foods again." Anna smiled but it dropped quickly. Pausing at the top of the landing she looked about before whispering to Mr. Bates. "I've seen how Lady Edith refuses most food at meals."

"William says she's particularly despondent in conversations about the nursery and names." Mr. Bates sighed, motioning for Anna to continue up the stairs. "I suppose the horrible twist in all this is that what she had her ladyship wanted and now her ladyship has what she'll never see again."

"We can't know the end from the beginning, Mr. Bates."

"No." He joined her at the next landing, opening the door for her. "If we could how different life would be."

"What would be especially different about your life?" Anna led the way to the dressing room, placing her completed mending on the bed before taking hangers for the dresses and Mr. Bates laid her button box gently on the bed. "If you don't mind me asking."

"I don't mind." He rested on a stool, stretching on his leg while Anna selected clothes for Lady Mary. "I wouldn't have succumbed to foolish pride and youthful lust to had me marrying my wife."

"But you learned so much from it." Anna dug in a drawer to draw out the stockings she wanted, laying all the accouterments over her arm. "Experience was your teachers and see the man you are because of it."

"Experience is an expensive teacher and I think I'd be better if not for some of what happened."

"Can't we all say the same?" Anna looked to the other door, "I'd best get on or she'll think I got lost somewhere."

"I'll not keep you longer." He lifted himself, gesturing to the mending still on the bed. "If you're too busy I've some time and I could help you with that."

Anna grinned, "I remember a conversation about lace where you said your hands weren't delicate enough for the work."

He shrugged, returning her smirk, "Perhaps I developed a skill so I could impress a young lady."

She scoffed, "I'm not so young, Mr. Bates."

"Nor am I." She swallowed as the atmosphere in the room shifted and she felt alternatingly hot and cold at the same time. "But it's all adronitis in the end."

"What?"

"Have I just found a word you don't know?" He crowed, "What a day this is."

"I haven't the time for you to tease me." Anna chided, "I've got to help her ladyship."

"Then I'll just say that sometimes there's frustration in how long it takes to get to know someone you wish you could know in a moment."

Anna forced air into her lungs. "Am I to assume, Mr. Bates, that you mean me?"

"I wouldn't want to get to know anyone else." He nodded to her, "I hope you'll indulge my attempt at repairing the lace."

"It'd be my sincerest gratitude for you if you did."

"I can think of no better gift to receive." He gathered the mending, snatching the button box and holding it aloft before slipping out the door.

Anna hurried through the other door, drawing the curtains back as she approached Lady Mary's bed. "Sorry for the delay, I wanted to hang the finished mending before it wrinkled."

"Quite alright." Lady Mary held her protruding stomach and lifted herself from the pillows with great effort. "I'm the size of a house and I can't move very fast at all."

"It's natural." Anna helped her sit up and then offered a hand to help her stand. "I remember when my mother was pregnant with my sister so I'll assume you're not the first or the last who's felt they don't fit into their skin anymore."

"But it isn't my skin anymore is it?" Lady Mary looked down at her distended abdomen, "It's yours isn't it?"

"I think they call it sharing." Anna took the edge of Lady Mary's nightgown in her hands, tugging upward to free her mistress from it before offering the altered corset.

"I wouldn't know, I'm not familiar with the word." Lady Mary held her arms out for Anna to move around her. "Though I've been thinking about suggesting something to his lordship that might mean he has to share."

"Oh? And what might that be milady?" Anna tugged from the bottom, working up to make sure it was not too tight so the baby would have room to move.

"Well, since he decided to leave me in charge of some estate affairs Mr. Jarvis has been rather angry about it all. Believes a woman shouldn't be meddling in it at all." Lady Mary stepped forward into the dress Anna held open, tugging at the collar to arrange it before Anna did up the back buttons. "So he's handed in his notice and Patrick gave him a good enough reference but now we're short a land agent and a general manager for the estate."

"I thought his lordship wanted to manage it himself."

"That's the thing," Lady Mary took Anna's hand and sat back on the bed so Anna could help her with the stockings. "I think I should invite Mr. Crawley to help him."

"Your cousin from Manchester?"

"That's the one." Lady Mary lifted a foot, "When I attended that luncheon granny put on I was rather impressed by him. He's intelligent, a lawyer by training, and broad minded. He even mentioned some things he'd noticed when he stayed here last winter."

"About the estate milady?"

"Yes." Lady Mary took Anna's proffered hand and left out a whoosh of breath as she stood. "I think he'd make a wonderful manager. He's got an eye for it and he'd give an outside perspective where we've perhaps grown a little blind to things."

"Blind, milady?" Anna tried to swallow the catch in her throat, "What do you mean?"

"Just about how the world is modernizing. You hear all these stories from America about mechanization and development that I think we need here. And with those rumors about war possibly being on the horizon since that Duke was killed…" Lady Mary waved a hand, the other holding Anna's shoulder for support as she slipped into her shoes and Anna latched them. "I wouldn't want us to miss out on something because we buried out heads in the sand."

"I wouldn't think so either." Anna stepped back, "Do you need my help to manage the stairs milady? I wouldn't want you putting yourself to too much trouble."

"Patrick'll help me if he can." Lady Mary laughed, "He's been all thumbs about this whole thing. Like I'm fragile and he's afraid I'll break."

"You're carrying his child, milady."

"But it's like he's afraid to lose it." Lady Mary snorted, "As if I'd lose his child."

Anna bit her tongue, opening the door to let Lady Mary out. She peeked around the door, watching her try to avoid a waddling in her step as she moved, and felt the urge to laugh and cry at the same time. Going back into the room, Anna gathered the nightgown, the dressing gown, and a few other things before pulling the cord next to the bed.

As she hung the items in the dressing room Gwen knocked on the door and Anna pointed to the room. "I just need her bed linens changed. I think she'll want a lighter blanket given the heat that baby in her belly's giving off."

"I've got some fresh ones here if you don't mind helping."

"Of course not." Anna finished in the dressing room and accompanied Gwen back to the main room, stripping the bed with her as though they had done it together a thousand times before.

"If I'd asked Ms. O'Brien she would've sneered at me and reminded me she's not a housemaid any longer." Gwen whipped back a sheet, snapping it from the bed and rolling it about her arms expertly before shaking out a corner of a new, white one to Anna. "Sometimes I wonder if that woman was simply born sour."

"I think we can sometimes lose who we were and forget that we're all from humbler beginnings than we realize."

"I'm sure you remember your humility on a daily basis Ms. Smith." Both turned, stopping with the sheet hung between them to see Ms. O'Brien in the room. "I'd have thought that kind of experience might temper you to be a little more careful about your words."

"She's not said anything." Gwen tucked her edge before yanking it taut, forcing Anna to follow suit. "You want to berate anyone for making a nasty comment in your direction then aim your ire at me. Otherwise, I'd take care which stones you decide to throw from your glass house because I'm a better aim than you."

"Strong talk from the head housemaid."

"And stronger talk from the lady's maid that no longer rules by fear." Gwen waved her off, "You can see yourself to the door. I'm sure you know where it is."

"Better put your knives back in their box, Ms. Sharp." O'Brien glared in Anna's direction. "You never know who might get cut."

"I'll cut you if you don't find somewhere else to be." Gwen pointed to the door, "Now don't you have some poor kitchen maid to terrorize or a footman to insult?"

O'Brien almost snarled at them but made her way out of the room. Anna watched her go, worrying the edge of the pillow in her grip until Gwen leaned around the bed to grab it from her. She started and tried to smile but her mouth couldn't manage it.

"Don't worry over her. She's all prickles and spines on the outside but she's just terrified that her ladyship might decide she's better off dismissing her and finding someone better qualified to care for her mother."

"I thought the Dowager was doing better." Anna grabbed her end of the duvet and lined it up with the top of the bed before placing the pillows in sync with Gwen.

"She is, on a whole, but how much better can you get when someone's always dripping poison in your ear or twisting you around their finger?"

Anna shuddered, "Not much."

"Anyway," Gwen came around the edge of the bed, lowering her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "His lordship and Lady Edith had a mighty row in the library this morning."

"What about?"

"From what William told me they were talking about the safety of a child in Switzerland."

"Switzerland?"

Gwen nodded, "Lady Edith was in tears when she left and took the motor. No one knows where she's gone but she's driven off in a huff."

"I didn't think she could drive."

"Sir Anthony Strallan taught her. Well, he and Mr. Branson."

"The chauffer?"

"She insisted and his lordship didn't see a reason to say no and the Dowager just waved her hand like she had other concerns on her mind."

"Probably not what should be concerning her." Anna helped Gwen gathered the used linens. "But you're sure they were talking about a child?"

"It had William all confused but I knew what they meant."

Anna sighed, "I guess there's benefits to working with people who are still innocent to the large world around them."

"It would be if those same, sweet souls weren't thinking about how to make themselves more attractive to the opposite sex." Gwen shuddered, "I know that there's a courting process and we're supposed to meet people we want to marry if we don't want to end up like Ms. O'Brien, but unless they're already in this house we've no way to do that."

"So are you complaining that you've met no men or that you're selection in the house is poor?"

"Both." Gwen shrugged, "How's a girl supposed to get married if she can't meet any men?"

"Maybe Mrs. Hughes thinks the storks bring them like they do babies."

"Given the size of her ladyship I doubt anyone could believe a stork brings them."

As Anna and Gwen returned from the laundry they both frowned at the bustle and commotion from the servant's hall. Anna turned to Gwen, who only shrugged, and they entered to see Mr. Carson waving his hands around and trying to calm the cacophony of voices all demanding answers. They slipped to the side, Anna finding a spot near Mr. Bates, and she tapped his shoulder.

He turned to her and she went on her toes to whisper to him, "What's going on?"

"It seems Lady Edith took the motor in a huff and his lordship went after her."

"Gwen mentioned that William heard them rowing in the library."

Mr. Bates grimaced, "I can only imagine about what."

"Has he said anything to you?"

"Nothing of substance. It's all apologies that I'm keeping his secret and insistence that he didn't mean for any of it."

Anna sighed, "I think we'd think less of him if we thought he did mean it."

"Actions are the results of our thoughts. For if a mean looketh after a woman to lust after her, he has committed adultery already in his heart."

"You're quite the Biblical scholar Mr. Bates."

He shrugged, "I like reading."

"Oh," Anna winced, "I've still got your Burns, both of them, in my room."

"Enjoy them as long as you like."

"I've already read them twice."

"Good," He handed over her mending and the button box. "Then I'll assume that I got the right birthday gift for you."

"What?"

He paled, "You don't think me too forward do you?"

"It's just," Anna struggled to find words, "I've never had anyone take that kind of time for me."

"As I said," He nodded at her, "I'm rather in the business of getting to know you."

"I'm grateful." Anna went to saw something else as the bells behind her rang. She looked over her shoulder, frowning. "That's her ladyship's bell."

"And the library bell and his lordship's." Mr. Bates urged Anna follow Mr. Carson. "I think we're about to hear the end of this particularly tragic story soon."

"I'd hoped it'd just fade away."

"Things like this never do."

Anna saw a flash before her eyes of a courtroom, accusing eyes, and the gray of prison walls. "No, they don't."

They trailed Mr. Carson to the main floor before Anna broke off to return to Lady Mary's room. She deposited the remainder of the mending in the dressing room, leaving it there as she rushed to Lady Mary's side. But Lady Mary was frantically pacing the room, running an angry hand through her hair.

When Anna entered Lady Mary pointed a finger at her, "Did you know?"

Anna frowned, "Know what, milady?"

"Did you know what Patrick did?"

"I'm not sure I follow."

Lady Mary collapsed onto a chair, her chest heaving as tears leaked from her eyes. If not for Anna's training she would have been dumbfounded at the sight of Lady Mary shedding tears but her instinct kicked her to find a handkerchief. She extended it to Lady Mary, who snatched if from her hand before covering her eyes with it.

"He betrayed me with her." Anna's blood ran cold but she stood her ground. "That's why she got in the motor and sped away."

Anna stayed silent, keeping her gaze off Lady Mary when the latter ripped the handkerchief away from her face to point at her. "Did you know about them?"

"I never saw anything."

"But you knew?"

"I knew what the suspicions were."

Lady Mary gasped a bitter laugh, "And how many know I was cuckholded in my own house?"

"Only Gwen, Mr. Bates, and myself." Anna held herself higher. "We only knew that Lady Edith was in the family way and Gwen told me. I endeavored to inform her ladyship, the Dowager Countess-"

"My mother's next to useless in things like this. What could she possibly have done?"

"Not her, milady, your grandmother."

Lady Mary's mouth dropped open, "Are you telling me that my own grandmother knew and said nothing?"

Anna nodded, "For the sake of the reputation of the house, milady."

"To hell with the reputation of the house." Lady Mary practically launched herself from her chair. "Why would I give a damn about that when my own sister betrayed me with my husband?"

"I couldn't say, milady."

Lady Mary dug her fingers into the baseboard on her bed. "They must've cackle to themselves about what they pulled over me." She thrust herself off the bed, starting a circuit of the room. "Edith and Patrick always were two peas in a pod and I guess vows before God mean nothing when you're in love with someone you're not married to."

Anna bit her tongue as Lady Mary succumbed to her sobs again, "I tried. I wanted to love him. I wanted to serve the way my father always wanted me to. I did everything I could to love, and honor, and obey, and cherish him and what did he do? He turned on me. At the first sign he bolted and ran right back to her."

She collapsed back in her chair, wracking cries shaking her frame as her face fell into her hands. "I'm carrying the child of a man who loves my sister more than he loves me."

Opening her mouth to speak Anna stopped as a knocked resounded through the room. She walked to the door, pulling it open to see Mr. Bates there. Her frown was immediately answered by his voice.

"His lordship needs to see her ladyship."

"Then he'll have to endure hell freezing over before I see his face again."

Anna winced, "I think it's best her ladyship and his lordship not meet under present circumstances."

"I don't think they'll have a choice." Mr. Bates took a breath, "His lordship found Lady Edith."

"And?" Lady Mary appeared at the door, sending Anna jumping back in surprise, "What's that got to do with me?"

"Her motor ran off the road. An uncontrolled lorry barreled down the lane and she hadn't the time to recover." Mr. Bates looked between Lady Mary and Anna. "She's dead, milady."

"Then good riddance to her and I hope my husband is absolutely miserable. It'll teach him what burning in hell must feel like since that's where he'll join her one day. May they burn together, forever."

Anna barely had time to look at Mr. Bates before Lady Mary slammed the door in his face.


	7. Rubatosis

Anna and Mr. Bates brushed elbows at the table, their murmured apologies the only noise in the servants' hall. Everyone else stared at their plates or tried to eat as silently as they could. Mr. Carson did not eat at all and Mrs. Hughes continuously eyed the table just to settle her unnerving gaze on Gwen, Anna, and Mr. Bates in turn.

Eventually he cleared his throat and stood, the scrape of everyone else's chairs leading to Anna clutching her fork tightly a moment as the din echoed in her ears like it had in the cold, dank, gray of the prison canteen. She started when something brushed over her fingers and he noticed Mr. Bates moving his hand back toward his own plate as if he did nothing out of the ordinary. Swallowing she turned to focus on Mr. Carson's words so they were no longer a din rumbling in her ears.

"As you all know, we'll be present at Lady Edith's funeral this afternoon. I expect all to be there on time and dressed their best." He sniffed, "One of the members of this house has passed on and we'll respect that."

"Yes Mr. Carson." They all intoned in unison.

As Anna pushed her chair back to get about the tasks she wanted to manage before they all went to the cemetery Mr. Carson's voice broke the shuffle. "Mr. Bates, Gwen, and Ms. Smith, would you all please meet me in my office?"

Anna, Mr. Bates, and Gwen all exchanged looks before following Mr. Carson like a line of disobedient ducks. Mrs. Hughes joined them in the office, walking past the three as they lined up. For a moment Anna's blood ran cold, remembering what happened when she last joined a line of people for inspection. Again her hand fluttered at the whisper of someone else's fingers over her own and again she noted Mr. Bates keeping his stare forward.

"I'm sure you three know why you're here." Mr. Carson tilted his head downward, like a headmaster reprimanding naughty children in the back of the class. "If not then I'll tell you but I don't think that's necessary."

"I'm sure we're all aware." Mr. Bates spoke, to the audible relief of Gwen. "But I don't believe any of us feel any guilt over our actions."

"It's not guilt that you should feel, Mr. Bates." Mr. Carson clasped his hands behind his back, leaning toward them in his interrogative inspection. "It's shame."

"Shame, Mr. Carson?" Anna tried to swallow so her voice would not break so obviously. "What is there for us to bear shame?"

"I'm sure Mr. Carson let his zeal in protecting this house run away with him." Mrs. Hughes shot her scowl at Mr. Carson, who only raised his eyebrows in surprise at her reprimand. "What he meant was that the three of you made a unilateral decision that went over our heads. In fact, it went outside this house and that's unacceptable."

"We executed our duties with dignity and with what we thought, at the time, was minimal damage." Mr. Bates kept his shoulders back, chest high. "The Dowager Countess handled the situation and we saved the house shame."

"Then how do you explain what's happened recently?"

"We're not responsible for the emotions of those who make mistakes." Gwen's small voice floated over and Anna leaned to see her around Mr. Bates, noting Gwen's gaze fixed on the floor but her resolution strong. "We were only responsible for keeping the situation contained and we did that."

"And you did it marvelously, that's not under contention." Mrs. Hughes took a step toward the girl, rubbing her arm. "But you should've told us Gwen."

"Like I should've told you about my typewriter?" Gwen's head rose, her chin quivering slightly. "Is that what I should've done Mrs. Hughes?"

"Now Gwen-"

"I'm not ashamed of what we did. Just like I'm not ashamed that I'm seeking to widen my opportunities and one day leave service." Gwen pointed to Anna and Mr. Bates. "We did what we thought was right and I think this dressing down is in response to the guilt this house feels about the issue, not because we did anything wrong."

"Gwen-" Mr. Bates tried to cut in, putting a hand out for her shoulder but she twisted out of his reach.

"I dressed Lady Edith every day. I saw what was happening and I wanted to help her." Gwen sniffed, wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand. "She knew what I did and she hated me for it. She hated me for doing my job and for saving her embarrassment. And you wonder why I want to stay here."

The room stayed silent, Anna choosing to focus on the floor instead of anyone else. Her heart pounded in her chest, the downbeat for Gwen's sobs as Mrs. Hughes pressed the girl to her shoulder. It only took another moment for Mr. Bates to clear his voice to speak.

"I believe Gwen's emotions speak highly of her regard for this house and what it implies. That's all we meant, Mr. Carson, by our actions: the preservation of this house that means so much to us. What we decided, between the three of us, was that the fewer people who knew the less likely it was anyone would discover what happened and therefore save the family a great deal of trouble."

"Trouble they found on their own." Anna muttered, covering her mouth under the scrutiny of Mr. Carson's glare. "I'm sorry, it slipped out."

"And while we respect your thoughts and your considerations, Mr. Bates," Mr. Carson spared Anna one final eyebrow raise before speaking to his equal in height and bearing. "But in future, heaven forbid we ever need prepare for such an eventuality, you'll inform either Mrs. Hughes or myself about such suspicions and we'll handle it."

"Understood, Mr. Carson." Mr. Bates made a move as if to leave but stopped himself, "Meaning no disrespect, Mr. Carson, but would you have done anything different that we did?"

Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes swapped an expression before Mr. Carson's face softened. "No, Mr. Bates. What you and these fine ladies did is exactly what I would've done."

"Thank you." Mr. Bates opened the door, waiting for Anna and Gwen to leave.

"Anna," Mrs. Hughes motioned for her, "Would you please escort Gwen upstairs?"

"Of course Mrs. Hughes." Anna took Gwen's arm, the other girl now sobbing a touch less while dabbing frantically at her eyes.

They ascended the stairs, Mr. Bates's cane a comforting echo to their steps just below them. Gwen tripped a bit and Anna grabbed her arm to help her onto the step. Mr. Bates offered Anna new handkerchief to give to Gwen as her sobs began anew.

"It'll be alright Gwen."

"But it won't." Gwen strangled the handkerchief in her hands, "I thought we were helping her when we told her secret but it just ruined her."

"Gwen," Mr. Bates leaned forward, putting a hand on hers so she had to look at him. "Lady Edith and his lordship made their own decisions. We did what we could and that's all we could do."

"But what if we'd done more?"

"What more could we've done?" Anna put a hand on Gwen's shoulder. "We told the Dowager Countess and she did what she could for Lady Edith. That's all we could do."

"I just…" Gwen sniffed, drying her eyes again. "I just wish I'd done more and then maybe she wouldn't have…"

"Lady Edith's choice was his own and couldn't be stopped by us." Mr. Bates nodded toward the stairs. "Let's pay our respects to her today and do our best to keep this house afloat."

He offered Gwen a hand to stand and she headed up the stairs. Anna went to follow her but Mr. Bates laid a hand on hers. She stopped, turning to him, and tried to press the rising emotions down before speaking to him.

"Is there something you need from me, Mr. Bates?"

"I think so." He stepped toward her, "I don't want to press you, Ms. Smith, but I've found myself inexplicably drawn to you. As much as I think these advances frighten you, I can't help but express the emotions I have."

Anna opened her mouth but no words came out. Even trying to clear her throat did little good as she stared at Mr. Bates. When their eyes met she could not stop herself from almost falling headlong into the beauty there. All she could hear was the pounding in her hearts with the blood thumping through her whole body.

When she finally managed to speak she could not control the word she finally found. "Rubatosis."

"What?" Mr. Bates blinked and Anna hurried to explain it.

"It's the unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat." Anna coughed to clear her throat, "And whenever I'm around you it's all I can hear. It's all I notice."

"Is that a bad thing?" Mr. Bates's confusion continued and Anna almost laughed at it.

"It's a wonderful thing, Mr. Bates." Anna reached a hand forward, almost drawing it back, but forced herself to settle over his hand on the banister. "I've spent so much time hiding in the dark that you've offered me a chance to see light and I couldn't be anything more than grateful."

Mr. Bates turned his hand, holding hers in his strong fingers. He took another step toward her on the stairs and Anna straightened her back. Her reaction stopped him but Anna put her other hand forward.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For pushing you away." Anna shook her head, "I can't help it. It's just…"

"No, it's fine." Mr. Bates smiled, "I may not understand it all but I don't want to put you in a position where you feel awkward at all."

"I want to feel safe and you're the first person I've ever felt safe with but I'm still not there yet."

"I don't mind." Mr. Bates stroked his thumb over her hand and Anna shivered with it. "I think it could make it all stronger."

"What stronger?"

"What I feel for you, Ms. Smith." Mr. Bates stopped, "Might I call you 'Anna' when we're alone? 'Ms. Smith' seems a bit formal for someone I'd like to ask permission to court."

"You-" Anna forced the air into her lungs, "You want to court me?"

"I'd like to, if you'll allow it."

"I think, Mr. Bates, that I'd like that very much."

Anna laughed, "Maybe I should call you something else as well."

"I've always liked my name and I don't get to use it enough." Mr. Bates nodded at her, "I'd like if you'd call me 'John' when we're alone."

"Do you plan for that to be something that happens more?"

"I'd like to." He shifted his jaw, "But I don't want to press you."

"Mr. Bates… John," Anna stepped toward him, ignoring the slight tremor in her hands. "I'd like that very much. Though I can't promise you I'll be very swift in terms of returning the emotions you hold for me."

"Because you don't feel the same?"

"No," Anna shook her head so fast some of her hair came free. "Because I don't know how to tell you."

"I think that's sufficient." John drew his hand free of hers, hesitating just before resting it on her cheek. "I'd like to ask you if I could kiss you."

"Here?"

"It'll be less than a moment."

Anna listened and then nodded quickly. John raised himself high enough to meet her on her step and let their lips meet. As he promised, it was only a moment as hands tick on a clock but it felt longer to Anna. Not the insufferable torture of nights spent in a gray cell or when the earth suspended its turn as they finally handed her the sentence. This was the exquisite pause of time to full immerse oneself in beauty.

He pulled back, a grin stretching his smile from ear to ear. "I don't think I have words for how grateful I am you allowed that, Ms. Smith."

"I thought I was 'Anna' now." She reminded him, sharing his smile. "But I think we'd best wipe these away before Mr. Carson thinks we're not offering the day its due of our grief."

"I don't know how I could feel anything but overjoyed now."

"Then practice your acting, Mr. Bates."

"John," He corrected her before waving her up the stairs. "I don't want to keep you."

"Would you," Anna's hand gripped the banister tightly as he reached the landing, pivoting to meet her gaze. "Would you walk with me?"

"I'd be honored."

Anna practically sprinted up the stairs, giddy almost in her emotions. Regardless of her own emotions she knew the seriousness of their destination when she donned the black dress. Not unlike those she wore everyday but different in that this one meant a soul passed beyond the veil to leave only tears behind.

She joined the other servants in the yard, gravitating the John's side. He flicked his wrist to leave his fingers rasping over hers but they separated when Mr. Carson donned his bowler to lead them in somber procession to the drive. Even the caustic Ms. O'Brien kept her thoughts to herself so the only noises were their breathing matched to the uniform crunch of gravel underfoot.

Once they joined with the family from the house Anna searched for Lady Mary. She stood tall, her slender and imposing form as dignified and menacing as ever with the sheath of black Anna chose that morning shrouding her. Anna also noticed how she stood away from Lord Grantham, seeking comfort- or perhaps to comfort, in her way- her younger sister. It almost set Anna's teeth on edge when Lord Grantham tried to put a hand on her and Lady Mary stepped away from him.

He abandoned the attempt and led them down the drive. Black forms trailed like ants at a picnic to the church where the pews filled like gathering ash. Anna hung her head at Mr. Bates's side, remembering all the times she wore black for this purpose.

First her father. So young and the man who meant the most in her life gone forever. Less than a second was all it took for Anna to realize she was alone and might forever be so.

Then, when Lord Grantham died. They allowed a black band on her arm in prison. Others scoffed that she seemed to care so much about someone so far away and so far above her. But none of them knew how he fought for her. None of them knew what he gave for even the chance she could avoid the fate that left her exposed to the sneering facings and snarling mouths.

Now, Lady Edith's eulogy reminded everyone of her age. Her whole life, even with her poor decisions, lay ahead of her. Opportunities lay before her but snuffed out in an instant. One moment of anger, the screech of brakes, and nothing.

Anna stood at the urging of Father Travis and they filed out in the same orderly, black rows they used to enter the church. Instead they circled the grave as Father Travis prayed over the grave. The coffin entered the grave with a thump that left Anna shuddering and then the crowd dispersed.

For a brief instant John's fingers sought hers again but then he trailed Lord Grantham in his greeting of the guests and Anna took to Lady Mary's side. Lady Mary stared at the grave, her face caught between a glare and a contemplation of something deeper than Anna could read. Her eyes only flicked up slightly when Anna joined her while her hands resumed their habit of caressing her bulging abdomen.

"Do you think she did it on purpose?"

"Milady?" Lady Mary pointed at the grave, "Drove herself into that ditch. Do you think she did it to escape what she knew was coming?"

"I don't think that was Lady Edith's way, milady."

"Her way?" Lady Mary snorted, "What way?"

"Suicide, milady." Anna shook her head, "No one who knew her would say she could or would."

"None of us really knew her though, did we? Everyone knew she and I didn't get along but then we never did. Sisters sometimes don't and we butted heads on everything. She was always so contrary. But this, could anyone have seen this?" Lady Mary spared a scowl in Lord Grantham's direction. "He finally told me all of it and he had the gall to seek pity and compassion for when I was cold to him."

Anna held her tongue as Lady Mary continued. "He wanted me to understand him. To comprehend why he turned from me to his first love. To Edith. Why he walked down the hall so often to her room. Why they brought a bastard into the world together. Why he now wants to raise the girl at Downton in memory of her." Lady Mary practically spit with the venom in her voice. "That bastard in the same house as my child. As Patrick's heir?"

Lady Mary turned to Anna, "What do you think? You're the one who tried to cover it all up."

"We only wanted to spare the house, milady."

"Maybe you should've thought more about how I wouldn't want to be spared this. Wouldn't want to lose everything I thought I had to a dead sister always jealous of me." Lady Mary closed her eyes, gathering a breath to steady herself. "I'm sorry, Anna. That was rude of me and uncalled for. I hope you'll forgive me."

"Words spoken in grief are water off a duck's back, milady."

"Not off mine. They stick like bristles and briars until I'm covered in spines and thorns." Lady Mary maneuvered and gripped Anna's proffered hand to get herself from the grass to the path. "Cousin Matthew disagrees you know."

"About what milady?"

"About what I say I am. He thinks it's all a show I put on to pretend I'm all ice and unfeeling stone when really I'm fragile and soft inside."

"That could be a good thing milady."

"But see, I know it's not true because I've no heart."

Anna shook her head, "I know that's not true milady because I've seen your heart, been on the receiving end of its bountiful generosity, and I could never accept that you've no feelings when I think you just feel very deeply."

"Too deeply maybe?"

"Sometimes but not always." Anna stopped with Lady Mary, just short of where Lord Grantham thanked the last mourner for their condolences. "You just need the right person to help you find it again."

"Thank you Anna." Lady Mary joined Lord Grantham and both went to leave when a blonde man ran up to them. All Anna could hear was the gasp of surprise before Lady Mary grabbed the other man's arm. He and Lord Grantham fought to hold her upright before John joined Anna.

"What is it?"

"Britain has just declared war on Germany."

And for the second time that day all Anna could hear was her heartbeat, thundering in her chest.


	8. Mauerbauertraurigkeit

Anna opened her eyes, taking a deep breath before reaching for the bag across the seat. A hand beat her to it, tucking the bag under his arm, and she smiled before taking the other hand extended to her. As she stood she arranged her skirt.

"If you continue to spoil me, Mr. Bates, I think you'll find me quite unable to do any of my own work."

"It hasn't affected your work with her ladyship yet." He grinned at her, bending close as other passengers in the train carriage rushed for the doors. "And even if it did, it's my pleasure to help you."

"I should hope so, given how much effort you're putting in for little return."

He shrugged, "It depends on what you consider return. I think myself suitably paid for my efforts."

"Do you?" Anna giggled a bit, leading the way to the platform. "And how's that?"

"To start, you allow me to hold your hand when we're alone. We never leave an outing without a kiss to your cheek. And, sometimes," He lowered his voice in her ear from behind, sending a delightful shiver instead of a cold one down her spine. "You allow my lips to touch yours and nothing on this earth could feel better to me than that."

"Nothing?"

"Well," Anna could almost feel Jon's grin grow larger, "Nothing I'll admit to on a train platform with so many people around to see your blush."

Anna frowned, turning to him. "Why would it matter who sees my blush?"

"I'd like to think the blush I'd give you when I tell you what would give me even more satisfaction would be mine and mine alone."

She opened her mouth to respond but stopped, walking to Lady Mary as she and his lordship walked toward them from first class. "Do you have anything special you want before I have the drivers send the luggage to Grantham House milady?"

"I don't think so. It's just lunch with Aunt Rosamund and Granny before we come back to change for the concert."

"And you, milord?" John addressed his lordship, still standing slightly away from Lady Mary. "Anything particular I should sort out now before I set out your tails for this evening?"

"Just my valise. I may have some business to cover at the club while Lady Mary's at lunch."

"Business with Mr. Murray?" Lady Mary muttered but his lordship heard her.

"It's about Marigold."

"It better not be about changing your will."

"No, it's about executing the details of Edith's will and some amendments your mother wanted to make to her own will."

"Fantastic," Lady Mary pulled her coat closer, "Now the little bastard can have something when she leaves the house."

"Mary-"

"Anna, please get the driver and Bates, could you please find a taxi for his lordship. I'm sure he doesn't want to miss this opportunity."

"Of course milady." Anna hurried away, signaling to the driver and a few porters to come to their aid at the luggage carriage. A few minutes later John joined her, giving a low whistled.

"I didn't think they were still so icy toward each other."

"I think the fact that Miss Marigold is in the house with Master George troubles her ladyship." Anna directed the porters toward their tagged luggage. "Master George is taken with Miss Marigold and I think Lady Mary feels everyone should be as angry about it as she is."

"And I don't dismiss her anger." John removed his lordship's valise, managing it and his cane with a dexterity few would expect. "But I believe she's forgotten that one can't drink poison and expect others to grow sick."

"We all make that mistake, Mr. Bates."

"Then I can only hope that time and tide soften the blow for her." John shrugged, "Has she said anything about his lordship agreeing to the post of Major for the Yorkshire Fusiliers?"

"At this point, as horrible as it sounds, I think it would do her a world of good to see him away from her."

"Absence to make her heart grow fonder?"

Anna shrugged, "Or perhaps a cause to lose herself in. Something to give her purpose."

"We all need that."

"But we've jobs, Mr. Bates. She's got nothing to but that house and the noisy reminder of what happened." Anna stepped toward John, avoiding the porters taking the last of their luggage. "Is your offer still open?"

"When they're at the concert."

"It couldn't be before." Anna teased, casting her eyes down a moment. "I'm rather excited about the idea of supper with your mother."

"She's a good woman and you'll get on like peas in a pod."

"You're very sure."

John winked," I know you both very well."

They arranged the luggage and managed the front seat of the motor together. Anna tried to hide the beaming expression that took over her when John's hand covered hers for the ride but found it broke free. And he managed to grip her hand a little extra harder when he helped her out of the motor as they arrived at Grantham House.

With Lady Mary already meeting with her aunt and grandmother, and his lordship taking a taxi back to the house, Anna found she enjoyed taking her time unpacking Lady Mary's things. Especially since it meant she and John could enjoy the luggage room alone together. They even risked a few quick kisses, stopping only when the turn of the door handle signaled one of the house staff entering.

Anna broke away, forcing herself to bury in a trunk so the footman could not see her face. She could not comprehend how John maintained his composure, like he had not been about to snog her senseless in the corner, and converse with the young boy. When the boy eventually left Anna faced John, hand over her mouth in a vain attempt to stifle her giggles.

"What?" He asked, giving a half smile that signaled his confusion at her humor.

"How could you talk to him so plainly?"

"He needed to know if we wanted lunch with the rest of the staff."

"Not five minutes ago you had your lips on mine."

"And I'd like to again," He tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear, "But they'll be time for kisses later. If you want them, that is."

"I think," Anna lowered her voice, looking around to ensure they were alone, " _John_ , that your kisses are something I'll always want. If you're amenable to giving them."

"I'm sure no man has ever needed less of an invitation to properly woo a woman."

"Then I'll consider myself wooed." Anna gathered what she could carry, "Best get these up to air out for tonight. Her ladyship detests smelling like travel."

Between getting the designated rooms ready for Lady Mary and helping her change for the concert Anna wondered where she'd find the energy to accompany John to dinner. But the moment she saw him, waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs at the servants' entrance all her exhaustion banished to the back of her mind. Her step lightened, her smile brightened, and she could barely contain the thump of her heart as it reminded her that she could heal with him.

They took in the city, Anna wishing to banish all her negative memories of the place from her last stay there. John, always attentive and consistently mindful, only directed her attention to the simple yet glamorous sights. The museums he visited before, the gardens he wanted to stroll with her, and the restaurants he hoped to one day afford to visit without having to scour the menu for the cheapest option.

It was as if they kept pace with not just their feet but also their minds. When they reached his mother's street Anna gripped his hand tighter. His response was to rub his thumb over her knuckles and pull her closer.

"I promise, after my ex-wife you'll be an angel to her."

"I'd rather just be an acceptable human being." Anna paused, "Does she know?"

"That you once served time?" Anna nodded and John shook his head, "It's not her business unless you want it to be. I've only told her about you, as a person, and that's all she need know if you don't want her to know anything else."

"Won't that be deceptive?"

"I don't think so." John stopped them in front of a door that appeared as average as the others. "I think some things are private and no one else's business but our own. It doesn't change who you are and that's all I care about."

"I hope it's all she cares about too."

"It is." John risked a quick kiss to her cheek. "If you're good for me then that's good enough for her. I promise."

They took the three steps to his mother's door and John knocked. Less than a moment later a short woman threw the door open, wrapping her arms around John's waist. He held her close as well until the woman finally released him enough to take a deep breath.

"Finally my son comes to visit." She wagged a finger at him, "You know you don't always need to be in London on business with your employer to visit."

"It's more convenient."

"For you, maybe, but not for an old woman like me." She turned to Anna, opening her arms wide before squeezing her in turn. "And I'm so grateful to finally meet you. John's letters speak of little else."

"Now I'm nervous." Anna tried to pass her laugh as something with more vitality but felt its wilted nature as her throat closed a bit. She swallowed past the block, "It's a pleasure to meet you Mrs. Bates. John speaks very highly of you."

"I should hope so. And please, call me Elizabeth. 'Mrs. Bates' is so formal and I only ever hear it from bill collectors and solicitors. I never want to hear that from friends."

Anna shot John a quick look and he nodded her to follow his mother inside the house. With a tentative step over the threshold Anna entered the house. And it was as if all of her problems washed off the minute her feet touched the creaking wooden floor.

Threadbare but clean rugs and furniture decorated the sitting room and kitchen. The bedrooms near the back suggested a continuation on the homely but organized feel with the long runner keeping all the dust to the borders of the corridor. A fire crackled, giving a soothing sensation to all the tension building in Anna's shoulders.

She relaxed, her fingers less fretful on the handles of her handbag as Mrs. Bates urged them to some mismatched but still suitable chairs. "I do apologize that it's not the veritable palace you must operate in but it's mine and it's comfortable. At the end of the day, especially at my age, that's all that really matters."

"It's lovely." Anna settled on the edge of her seat until Mrs. Bates clicked her tongue.

"Oh my dear, you've got to actually sit in that chair or I'll mistake you for a rabbit ready to bolt."

"I'm just nervous I guess." Anna shifted back a touch. "I've never met someone's mother before that I didn't also work for."

"Must be daunting to meet the family of the people you work with. See that they're more than their livery?"

"It's a nice reminder that other people have lives as full and detailed as your own." Anna snuck a look at John, who smiled. "And it's lovely to meet someone who means so much to John."

"I'll say the same." Mrs. Bates covered her son's hand with hers, squeezing there. "Even when he was married he never spoke so highly of another woman."

"Let's not mention Vera, mother."

"Yes, best let the devil rot in peace." Mrs. Bates stood, clapping her hands together, "Supper'll be ready in a tick so you two just take a load off and maybe shed your coats so I think you might actually stay awhile."

Anna smiled, standing to remove her coat as John moved to help her. When she did her eyes caught sight of a picture tucked into a corner. With John folding her coat over his arm Anna stepped toward the frame and pivoted it on the leg to see it.

Her blood ran cold and she stumbled back a pace. John's hand came to her shoulder but Anna backed away. Their eyes met and she knew he recognized her fear there but neither had time to discuss it as Mrs. Bates bustled back into the room. She took stock of their positions and noted the picture.

The disdain in her voice almost drove the knife deeper for Anna when Mrs. Bates waved a hand and snorted, "Sorry I haven't replaced all of the photographs of John and his ex-wife. I've not got enough new ones to replace them."

"Then this is her?" Anna pointed to it with a shaking finger, trying to steady her breathing.

"That's her. Mrs. Bates the evil…" Mrs. Bates walked toward the frame, lifting it in her hands to scrutinize it with a scowl. "Vera Bates, what a piece of work. But she's no bother to John anymore and that's what matters. He divorced her and the Crown locked her in the clink so we're all safe from her. Well, except her cell mate but then again whoever shares a cell with her is probably just as bad."

Anna reached for her, all but snatching it from John's arm. "I'm so sorry but I just had a turn and I'm feeling very ill. I hope you'll excuse me."

"Anna?"

"I'm fine I just need… air." Anna headed for the door, pushing out into the street to gulp down the sour, tangy oxygen there.

A hand came down on her shoulder and Anna jumped, backing away as quickly as she could. John raised his hands in surrender, stepping back toward the stoop, and Anna sighed, shaking her head. When he went to touch her again she shook him off.

"No, please don't."

"I don't understand."

"Your mother'll never understand."

"Understand what, Anna?"

Anna wiped furiously at her eyes, pointing back toward the sitting room. "That woman, in the picture, was my cellmate."

John paled, "You were Vera's cell mate?"

"I was." Anna nodded, trying to keep her tears from blinding her in their fury. "I told you I was kept here, in London, because of the trial and this is where… where they said it happened."

"And you were kept in the same prison as Vera?"

Anna tried to speak clearly, afraid her tears crowded out all reason. "She and I never got along, but we lived in close quarters my whole time there. I was afraid of her, so afraid, and she knew it. She tormented me until I almost went mad."

"What'd you do?"

"I was released because the case came in my favor and she was spitting angry about it." Anna hugged her arms close to her body, "That's when Lady Mary sent for me to come to Downton. So I could start over but I've just come right back to the start."

"No you haven't Anna." John reached out for her again but she continued to shy away. "You're different. That was almost three years ago."

"But it still feels like yesterday to me." Anna thrust her open hand toward the house, "And your mother believes that whomever shared her cell must be as bad as she is. How can I face a world that stains me for crimes I never committed simply because man is foolish and mistaken?"

"I don't know about the world, Anna, but I know about you and I don't judge you for it." He gestured back toward the house, "Just come back inside and enjoy supper, please."

"I can't." Anna sighed, "It's mauerbauertraurigkeit."

"I don't speak German."

"It means that I've the inexplicable urge to push people away. Even those I value, like close friends I really like."

"Then come back inside Anna."

"Why, so I can endure my shame all the sharper because I know what she thinks of me?"

"She doesn't think anything of you."

"I was there when she said it John."

"And she doesn't know what you've been through."

"Would she have restrained herself from saying it if she knew just because she didn't want to embarrass me or because she really didn't believe it?" Anna waited but John had no answer. "People speak the truth when they think no one is listening."

"I speak the truth to you."

"And what truth is that, John?"

"That I love you." John dropped his shoulders, as if defeated. "I just want to love you, Anna. As you deserve and as my heart insists I must."

"I think you're wasting your time John." Anna risked a foot behind her, making steady progress toward the street. "Go, eat with your mother, and try and sleep tonight dreaming of a better woman."

"I can't Anna." It broke her heart to hear the crack in his voice, "There aren't any. There's no on better than you. You're everything to me."

"Forget me, Mr. Bates." Anna turned to the street, refusing to meet his eyes again. "I'm nothing."


	9. Kuebiko

Anna stopped on the stairs, closing her eyes as if he might disappear from before her view. "I've told you, Mr. Bates, I've nothing more to say."

"But I do have more to say and it's only fair that you listen."

"I've no desire to lead you on and I'm busy, excuse me." John stepped in her path. "I'm not in the mood for games, Mr. Bates."

"Neither am I." Her eyebrows rose, trying to defy him but she eventually gave in to his insistence.

"What?"

"Not here. Once you're finished with helping her ladyship dress and lunch is over I'd like you to take a walk with me."

"I'm not courting you."

"Did I say that?" Anna paused and John continued. "We need a place that's private so we can speak where we're freer with our words. I don't want to risk anyone in the house overhearing what we're saying and I know you'd appreciate the privacy."

"That's… considerate of you."

"I told you Anna, your confidences are safe with me. And despite what you may think, I think no less of you now than I did before what you told me at my mother's house last month." John offered her his hand, extended to shake. "We were friends before and if that's all we'll ever be again I'd rather have you as my friend than a virtual stranger."

Anna waited a moment before taking his hand, "I would too."

"Good. Then after lunch."

To describe the sensation of waiting when one is both anxious and calm would be to put words to the eye of a hurricane. The swirling turbulence only outdone by the moment of peace before it all vanishes in a heartbeat. But when one would be freed from their burdens, when they face the chance to lay them at the feet of one whose heart is proven, is perhaps the most frightening sensation of all. The split second of fear that their offer of never-ending understanding will vanish in a moment to leave only sorrow in its wake. Or that they will accept the one they love, in all their beautiful brokenness, and desire to move forward to the great unknown.

For Anna, she could not decide which was more terrifying: the trepidation of rejection or the fear of acceptance. Lady Marry knew her story… or the bits of it that she needed to know. Mrs. Hughes knew enough of it to stand by Anna's side. But only Anna knew the full truth now that _he_ was dead.

When luncheon concluded Anna prayed Lady Mary would ring her bell, if only to give her an excuse to avoid John's insistence… or was it to hide herself away? Whatever her justifications for wanting to keep her story to herself, Anna did not have the opportunity. The bell never rang and John waited for her in the courtyard.

His extended hand was both invitation and death sentence. But Anna took it anyway, following his lead over the grounds and toward a secluded little spot that kept them hidden from the world. John directed their heading toward a bench and offered her a seat first before taking the place next to her.

The silence stretched between them, awkward and stuffy and so unlike their earlier comfort in one another's company. Anna shifted on the bench, refusing to meet John's gaze, and shivered a bit in the weather. He said nothing, his breathing setting a calming pace for the beating of Anna's heart.

When she could take the silence no more she spoke. "What did you want to discuss?"

"I wanted to ask why you ran from my mother's house last month."

"I told you then. I couldn't face her when she thought that of me."

"I think you're lying."

"Think what you like, Mr. Bates." Anna held her chin high, "I'm entitled to protect myself as I see fit."

"From a seventy-year-old woman?"

"With a quick wit and a tongue."

"My mother, like myself, understands the need for discretion." John sighed, "She's written to me about you. Wondering what I said or did to drive you from her house. She feels like a terrible hostess and thinks it had something to do with mentioning my ex-wife."

Anna paled, facing John and sliding on the seat to do so. "What did you say?"

"Don't worry," John held up a hand, "I said it was merely something you ate on the train and you were ill. She still wants to treat you to supper when we're next in London. Give it another go, as it were."

"I can't be in that house knowing what your mother thinks of me."

"It's not what my mother thinks of you, it's what she thinks of the prison population." John took a breath, "It's the unfortunate truth that we all make generalizations when we don't have all the facts. From what she knows about those who go to prison, and what she knows of my ex-wife particularly, she believes that whose locked away are kept that way for the protection of the population on a whole."

"And she's no room for mercy for those accused of crimes they never committed?"

"She's not had her eyes opened to that possibility." John shrugged a shoulder, "Justice is easy to imagine when the receiver is faceless or when those who have received it are guilty. Mercy takes a willing heart and an open mind. Both of which my mother has if you'd give her the chance to show you."

"And why should I?" Anna tried to bite back the frustration in her voice. "After all the people who looked at me, believing I was a murderess, and wanted me to suffer for a crime I never committed? Why should I show an ounce of mercy to anyone after what they did to me? Why do they deserve another chance?"

"Because it's not about 'deserve' Anna." John reached for her hand but she pulled it from his grip. "It's about turning the other cheek. It's about seeking to give the mercy we've been denied so another need not suffer as we have."

"Like the pity you have for me?"

"Exactly like that."

Anna stood, "Well I don't need your pity, Mr. Bates. I don't need anyone's pity."

"I think you misunderstand." John caught her hand, holding tightly when Anna attempted to jerk it away. "When I say 'pity' I mean it in the Biblical sense. The sense that says one who gives pity is full of love and compassion. That's all I'll ever have for you."

He stood, shadowing her with his frame and Anna wanted to feel fear at it but could only feel a part of her screaming to wrap herself in his protective grip and stay there forever. "I'll only ever love you, Anna. No matter what you've endured, no matter what you've born, no matter what you believe makes you unworthy of anyone's affections I defy it all to say that I could only ever love you. Fully, completely, and without reservation."

Anna sniffed, her feelings finally overwhelming her, and she collapsed into his grip. He sat them gently back on the bench, holding her close as her fingers clutched the lapels of his jacket. The soothing motions of his hand over her back eased her sobs until she could breathe and see clearly again.

When she pushed back he offered her a handkerchief and she took it with a laugh. "If you keep giving me these I'll have to buy you new ones."

"It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make." John held her free hand, "What did Vera do to you, in prison?"

"Mostly insulted me. Called me a whore, said I deserved what I got, and belittled me for believing I could ever have the case ruled in my favor." Anna wiped at her eyes, "I think she was mostly jealous that I had Lady Mary and Mrs. Hughes vouching for me in the case."

"How so?"

"They testified to my character and they… talked about why, even though the prosecution believed there was reason I might kill the man in question, I wouldn't. Actions I took to prove I wanted nothing to do with him any longer and only sought to move forward."

John frowned, "I don't understand."

"Which part?"

"Why they'd think you'd have it in you to murder a man in the first place. It makes no sense."

"Because you're not a woman, John." Anna looked down at the damp handkerchief in her hand, pulling it tight in her grip. "You don't know what it's like to live your entire life in fear of men."

"Why?"

"My father died when I was nine and my mother had no way to support my younger sister or I." Anna crumpled the handkerchief before pulling it taut again. "She remarried a man who promised us security."

"But that's not all he did, was it?"

Anna shook her head. "When you're a girl you learn young how to follow the gazes and glances people pass at you. You learn to ignore their lewd comments or brush them off as a joke because more than that could lead to anger. You learn to protect yourself, to avoid the dark, and to know how to escape."

"Did he-?"

"He never got the chance." Anna shuddered, "I still remember his horrible breath, the night he tried it. He'd brushed touches over me for weeks but they got bolder and bolder until I knew. So I took a kitchen knife from the scullery and I waited, terrified in the dark of my room."

"And he came?"

"He did." Anna swallowed, "I stabbed him in the leg and he screamed blue murder. It was so loud the night watchman came but my mother talked them all down. Two days later I went north to work as a Tweeny."

"That still doesn't-"

"It gave the police grounds to assume that if I was attacked again… worse than before, I might resort to more serious means of defense. Or even revenge."

John nodded, brow furrowing. "Are you telling me that the man you're accused of killing-"

"He attacked me, John." Anna's voice cracked and she balled the handkerchief up, taking it to her eyes. "I was in the kitchen of Downton Place and-"

"It's alright Anna," He took her hands in his, holding them securely in his grip. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

"No," Anna shook her head, withdrawing her hands from his. "I need to or else I'll always wonder what you'd say."

"I'd say that you aren't the kind of person to do what they say you did."

"You remember, when you asked me all those months ago, what happened to have them deny me bail when I waited for trial?"

"You said the blighter got himself run over by a street car and someone thought they saw someone who looked like you push him."

"And what did you think?"

John shrugged, "That you didn't deserve it."

"No, about the crime itself."

"That there's no way you could be believed to murder someone."

'But I could've." Anna crunched the handkerchief in her hands, meeting John's eyes. "I wanted to kill him, John. I wanted him dead but I didn't do it. No matter how much I wanted him dead I couldn't have done it."

"You said he attacked you but why would you want him dead? Why not simply tell the police?"

"Because they wouldn't have believed that he attacked me without some kind of provocation or invitation."

"That's ridiculous."

"That's what it is to be a woman, John." Anna shook her head, squinting to look indiscriminately to the distance. "Maybe I said something or was too friendly or wasn't forceful enough or…"

She took a deep breath, "But, now it's out in the open and you know everything. There're no more secrets between us… I'm glad of that at least."

"Why?"

"There's no more waiting for me to be found out because now you know." She took the back of her trembling hand to her eye, wiping away the first of many tears. "My shame's got nowhere to hide."

"Why are you talking about shame?" His hands slid over hers, not holding or forcing his presence on her but just giving her comfort. "I don't see any shame in this."

"But I'm spoiled for any man. I'm ruined."

"You're not spoiled and you're not ruined." His touch was gentle and he lifted her hands between his, holding them like one might hold a baby bird. "You're no different or worse than anyone else."

"I'm less than I was, John."

"No," He shook his head, "You're made holier and higher to me because of the suffering you've been put through. Because you've survived it all and come out stronger. I couldn't be prouder of you than I am at this moment."

"Truly?"

John nodded, "Truly."

Anna leaned into his shoulder, letting her tears overcome her again. But these tears were different. These tears cleared her heart of pain and sorrow. She finally released it all in the comforting arms of her friend, her confidant… her love?

After a time she recovered again, trying to wipe her eyes on her handkerchief but laughed when she realized how hopeless that would be given how soaked it already was. John joined her laughter, pulling his sleeve out for her. Anna shook her head and managed as best she could with the handkerchief.

"I feel a bit of a mess."

"We should probably get back then. Let you feel put together before her ladyship assumes something happened out here."

"Didn't something happen here?"

John paused, staring at her hands before meeting her eyes. "What do you think happened here Anna?"

"I think I trusted you more than I've ever trusted anyone." She shook her head, "I've just been carrying this around for so long I didn't know who I'd be if I finally let it go."

"And now that you have?"

"I feel… Kuebiko."

"What?"

"It's a Japanese word, that references a Shinto deity of knowledge and agriculture that they represent with a scarecrow who can't walk but has comprehensive awareness." Anna sighed, "It means a state of exhaustion inspired by acts of senseless violence, that forces you to revise your image of what can happen in this world."

"How did you revise your image?"

Anna shrugged, "It mended the fences of my expectations, weeded out all unwelcome and invasive truths… and just propped me up like an old scarecrow that's just burst at the seams but powerless to do anything but stand and watch."

"Sounds dismal."

"It's not pleasant, that I can assure you."

"But?"

"But," Anna scooted toward John, "I'm tired to carrying it and I want to believe the future is brighter than my past."

"I want that for you too."

Anna smiled, "And I want you to help me with it."

"How?"

"Just," Anna slowly placed her hands on, "Be with me?"

"I'd be honored."

Anna licked her lips, "I'd like to kiss you now if I could."

John smiled, "I'd appreciate that very much."

"Just, give me a moment." Anna held his face very still and moved her lips onto his.

He stayed still for her, waiting for her to make the moves. And she did, keeping herself on his lips, but her hands slipped lower. They ran over his collar, slipping into the hair at the back of his neck, and then gripping his lapel to hold him in her control.

When she broke the kiss John smiled, "Now we'll have to go back or we'll miss the supper bell."

Anna giggled, "I do want to do that again."

"As do I." John kissed her hand, "But I think we should save it for another time. If you're amenable to me courting you again."

Anna nodded, "I'd like that."


	10. Exulansis

The servants' hall echoed with the breathing of the servants. Anna immediately pushed her chair back, turning the Mrs. Hughes. "I should be with her ladyship. She might need something."

"I think that's best." Mrs. Hughes nodded, motioning toward the stairs. "I think you could be of great help to her right now."

Anna felt John's momentary brush over her hand and gave him a small smile before taking the stairs to Lady Mary's floor. Pushing through the door she followed the carpet, dodging the two nannies managing the children, and knocked on Lady Mary's door. A hollow voice called from the other side and Anna entered carefully.

"Yes?" Lady Mary kept her gaze out the window, running her thumb over her fingers as if looking for something to do with her hand.

"I just wanted to see if there was anything I could do." Anna risked a step closer, puling at her fingers. "If you wanted tea or something."

Lady Mary snorted, "Tea. The cure-all for all things for the British. Rule Britannia and it's overdependence on tea."

"I didn't mean to-"

"No," Lady Mary finally turned to Anna, shaking her head. "I'm sorry, I'm being rude and you're trying to be helpful about this."

She held up the unfolded telegram and Anna nodded, "It was my hope to be of any assistance to you I could since you've been nothing but helpful to me."

"In this, my dear Anna, I don't think there's much to be done unless you can talk to Death or God or anyone in charge of those who've passed from this world and ask if I could get myself an audience with a few of their residents."

"Milady?"

Lady Mary stood, dropping the telegram on her bed. "Patrick's dead, Edith's dead, and the last evidence of either of them in this house giggles and cries in her blatant ignorance of the cruelty of a world that first made her a bastard and now an orphan." She sighed, "She's an innocent who'll live with the horrible names her parents gave her by their decisions."

"And you wish you could change that?"

"I wish I could change myself." Lady Mary sat on the edge of the bed, "I never forgave Patrick before he left. He trudged through the mud of those trenches for the last year and sent me letter after letter begging I forgive him before he met God on that field."

Anna bit her tongue, waiting for Lady Mary to continue. "I didn't because I wasn't ready or I didn't know if I could or I just thought he'd come home and then I could welcome him back with an embrace." She sniffed, rubbing at her eyes. "We weren't in love and we weren't perfect for one another but I loved him in my own way."

Hurrying over to Lady Mary, Anna gave a handkerchief. Lady Mary narrowed her eyes at it, snorting. "This is Bates's handkerchief."

Anna stared at the floor. "He gave it to me for some tears I shed a short time ago. I don't think he'd mind if you used it for a similar purpose."

"How very kind of him." Lady Mary dabbed at her eyes. "I'm sure you know as much about my marriage to Patrick as I do. You were there the whole time and I'm sure, if I'd asked your opinion, you'd tell me I shouldn't have married him. I told myself I shouldn't have married him but I did because it's what I was supposed to do."

"We all do what we're supposed to, milady."

"You'd know all about that, wouldn't you?" Lady Mary held the handkerchief in her hands. "What you kept a secret until they pried it from you… all because you were supposed to keep silent."

"I do, milady."

Lady Mary sighed, "I just… I think I married him because I wanted this house. I wanted to stay in my house. It only made it better because I took something Edith always wanted." She scoffed, looking at Anna, "You must think I'm a particular kind of monster for destroying my sister's happiness like that."

"I think we're all complicated, milady, and I couldn't think less of you if I tried."

"I'm so glad that I've earned your eternal forgiveness for what makes me petty and mean-spirited."

"I think it makes you human, milady."

Lady Mary whistled, "Don't let anyone hear you say that. They'd never believe I'm nothing more than stone."

"But you're-"

"It's fine," Lady Mary stood, handing Anna back the handkerchief. "I'm not explaining myself well and you're being a good maid by trying to help me not make a mess of all this but it is a mess."

Anna held back her first response before clearing her throat, "It's called exulansis, milady."

Lady Mary frowned, "It's what?"

"Exulansis, milady." Anna pulled the fabric of the handkerchief taut in her hands. "It's the tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people can't relate to it."

"You think no one relates to the sorrow or realizing their husband died in war begging their wife's forgiveness for infidelity or a sister drove herself off the side of the road without a word of kindness for her eternal departure from this world?"

"Every person's experiences are different, milady, and we shouldn't presume to understand what anyone else thinks or believes because what they feel or what they're enduring is not what we do." Anna shrugged, "Envy, pity, just the foreignness of it for others to understand makes it seem like you're trying to explain a half-forgotten dream or that you're traveling through a fog."

Silence reigned between the two women a moment before Lady Mary spoke, "I'll guess that you've had you share of this experience. Trying to help people understand what happened to you or where you went as a result of it all?"

Anna nodded, "I know what it's like to try and tell someone something and realize they won't ever understand unless they experience but you'd never want them to so you just give up."

"But you understand me?"

"I understand what it is to feel unresolved and know there's nothing you can do to change it."

"Like wishing I'd forgiven Patrick or Edith before they left the world to its future and me to my regrets?"

"Something like that, milady." Anna pointed toward the door, "Should I get you the tea all the same?"

Lady Mary laughed, "I think I'll take it later."

"Very good milady." Anna managed a curtsey and headed for the door. But once there she stopped, reaching for the knob a moment before drawing back. She bit her lip, rolling her words over her tongue before facing Lady Mary again. "May I make a suggestion that's not my place, milady?"

"I'm in an open mood for the moment."

"Perhaps you're forgetting that there's still a trace of his lordship and Lady Edith here that could give you forgiveness."

Lady Mary frowned, "Who?"

"Miss Marigold, milady." Anna pulled at her fingers. "She's growing up here, next to Master George, and she's the only remnant of Lady Edith. If you allow it, she could receive your forgiveness in their place."

"You think I should continue to raise her at Downton?"

"I think you'll find yourself more forgiving of what happened and of yourself if you can find joy in that child, milady." Anna lowered her head, "But I don't want to sound impertinent."

"Sometimes I think we could all do to be a little more impertinent." Lady Mary stood, pacing toward the window. "Mr. Matthew'll be her later this afternoon. He's going to help me fight to keep Downton in George's name with me as his guardian and Patrick's inheritor so none of those greedy cousins buried farther down the obscure branches of this tree get their claws into it."

"Should I tell Mr. Carson?"

"Yes." Lady Mary risked a small smile, "And tell him we'll take tea in the library when he comes."

Anna returned the smile, "I will, milady."


	11. Anecdoche

Anna grinned when John tugged her hand into a small room off the servants' hall. His sure fingers locked it as quickly as he could manage before placing his hands carefully on her cheeks. She nodded her encouragement for his lips to meet hers.

Sometimes, when they only had a moment in the hall they darted their looks in opposing directions as their lips met. There was a thrill to it. A thrill to risking Mrs. Hughes raising her eyebrows and shaking her head at their displays or Mr. Carson's bluster when his face reddened at impropriety. The better thrill was the twist in Anna's stomach that no longer soured her mouth.

This sent her over the moon.

When they could snatch a longer moment John always went slowly. More often than not he teased her with a quick nip at her lips to entice her. He then left it to Anna. She could leave it with a slight sway to her hips or she could continue.

More often than not, especially lately, she chose the latter.

John's grins almost gave them away at breakfast when they snuck pecks and kisses near the laundry. Or her blushes after luncheon when they always stole a few moments for a snog in a corner of the courtyard. Or at supper when they risked teasing one another with strokes and glides of their fingers over one another's hands under the table. John proved an expert at the 'unintended' brush while Anna always bit down on her jaw to avoid the inevitable grin she got when John twitched under the scrape of her nail down his pant leg.

In this instance, with John molding his lips slowly over hers, Anna thought all the teasing worth any possible disapproval. Her hands scrunched his lapels to draw him closer and keep a firm grip to balance against him. For a moment she wondered if they could still do this if she did not have her heels but then his tongue slipped along her lower lip.

Anna broke away, taking a deep breath before giggling with John. "If we're in here too long they'll suspect something."

"I think they all already do." John snuck another kiss before stepping back, holding her hands in his. "But I want to give them another reason to talk. A better one than us snogging in the linen cupboards."

"Or any of the cupboards big enough for the two of us."

"You're no lighter than a feather."

"I disagree but you're sweet to think otherwise." Anna traced his cheek with a finger, "What would you give them to say?"

"Given that his lordship passed there's no reason for the house to keep me."

"Don't talk like that John." Anna focused on his waistcoat and tie, adjusting them though they were already perfect. "I don't want to think about that yet."

"But we should, Anna." John waited until she looked at him. "I have and I've a plan, if you're willing to hear it."

"What's that?"

"First, my mother's saved herself a bit of money. More than I ever expected and she's willing to give me some of it."

"What for?"

"I told her I wanted to build a life for myself with a lovely woman and that required I have a form of employment." John pulled a piece of paper from his jacket and handed it over to her. "That's the little bed and breakfast that she and I bought last week. It'll be ready to open in another week under our management."

"This is wonderful John."

"That's not all," He pulled something else from his pocket and balanced it between two fingers. "She also gave me this because when I told her I wanted to ask that lovely woman to build a life with me she insisted I do it properly. 'With a ring like you mean it', was what she said."

Anna's hands escaped his grip faster than he could fathom to cover her mouth. "John?"

"I want to marry you, Anna Smith and, the best part, is that since I'm no longer a member of the household there won't be any worry of our crossing lines of indiscretion."

"Like we haven't already done that by being in here too long." Anna swatted at him, eyes still on the ring. "But, without her ladyship's approval I can't answer you."

"Then it's a good thing I already asked her ladyship and she was overjoyed." John grinned, "Mentioned something about you lending her a handkerchief of mine a month ago."

Anna rested her forehead on his shoulder, laughing with him. "I wondered why she never mentioned it again."

"Probably to keep your private things private." He waited a moment before nudging her, "So do you have an answer for me?"

"Yes." She pushed off his chest, resting her hands on his cheeks. "It'll always be a yes for you John."

"I did worry when I asked her ladyship before I mentioned it to you but I wanted to know what she'd say before we got our hopes up." He slipped the ring over her finger and Anna clutched his hand in hers, tightening the ring against his skin.

"I'd give you a good smack if I didn't want to kiss you so much, John Bates, at asking her before you even mentioned it to me."

"But you're happy?"

"I couldn't be anything but, John." Anna sighed, hugging him close. "You've made me happier in the last four years than I could ever imagine."

"I plan to make you happier, Anna." He buried his face between her neck and shoulder. "I just want to make you happy."

"You do John."

They rocked together a moment before Anna separated from him. "We'd best get on before they suspect something greatly improprietous happened in this closet."

"There's not enough room for that."

"Isn't there?"

John grinned, "I stand corrected. I could manage it."

She blushed, wagging a finger at him, "I think you shouldn't."

"If you insist."

"I do."

"Then we won't. But," John kissed her forehead, both cheeks, and then her lips. "One day I'll show you all the ways I can manage it."

Anna swallowed, tugging a bit at her collar. "Any more of that talk and you'll need to see a priest."

"I thought you only confessed for your sins."

"Fornication, Mr. Bates, is a sin."

He grinned, "It won't be that in a short while, Ms. Smith."

Anna pushed her way out of the room, rubbing her fingers over the simple band. She twisted and pulled at it, trying to get it situated on her finger, and barely missed running into Gwen.

"I'm sorry." Gwen stumbled and Anna helped right her.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." She darted a look back at the servants' hall before pulling a telegram from her pocket. "This came for me today and normally I'd ask Lady Sybil to open it for me but I can't stand the suspense."

"What's it about?" Anna slipped her fingers into the folds, bending back at the creases to open the telegram enough to read it.

"It's about the job she had me interview for. They didn't have openings when they were first putting the lines in but now that all the young men are going off to war they've been in contact with me for another set of interviews."

"That's good news." Anna read the telegram, beaming back up at Gwen. "And the good news continues."

"Really?" Gwen grabbed Anna's arm and almost ripped the telegram out of her hand before squealing with joy. "This is wonderful. It's all my dreams come true."

"You've done it Gwen."

"Who's done what?" Both turned to see John and Gwen practically threw the paper in his face for him to read.

"It's my new job, Mr. Bates."

He craned his head back enough to read it before smiling at her. "Well done Gwen. That's incredible."

"Thank you." Her high pitched cry of joy filled the hall again and Mr. Carson stuck his head out of his hallway.

"What is going on here?"

"Nothing, Mr. Carson," Anna stepped in front of Gwen, hurrying to fix her face, "Just a moment of joy."

"Kindly contain your hysterics and get about your business." Mr. Carson wagged a finger at the trio, who immediately straightened. "Idle hands are work for the devil."

"Of course, Mr. Carson." John bowed his head in the butler's direction. "Our mistake. We'll get right to work."

Mr. Carson only raised his eyebrow at them again and disappeared into his office. The trio giggled quietly together before Anna pushed Gwen toward the stairs. "Now you tell Lady Sybil right now. The family needs all the joy they can manage and this'll bring her some relief."

"Thank you Ms. Smith and Mr. Bates." Gwen hugged them both close a moment before breaking the embrace. "You've been as supportive and encouraging as Lady Sybil and I don't know if I could do it without you both."

"You'd have done it." John tipped his head at her. "You're capable and talented, Gwen. You'll make a fine secretary and whatever else you set your sights to be. We're all behind your success… even if it doesn't always feel that way from some of the people here."

Gwen grinned and ran up the stairs. Anna tipped her head back to watch Gwen go before laughing to herself. John's hand came on her shoulder and he leaned to whisper in her ear. "You didn't share your good news."

"Because it was her moment." Anna gave him a slight poke with her elbow. "Moreover, I want to keep it mine for a bit longer."

"All secret?"

"All private." Anna patted his shoulder. "Now, I'm sure you've still got jobs to do and I've got to get on. Lady Mary needs me to get something for her in Ripon this afternoon and I've got to get back before the gong."

"I'll not delay you."

"If it were up to me, Mr. Bates." Anna lowered her voice, using his shoulder to help her get to his ear on her tiptoes. "I'd let you delay me all the time."

She kissed his cheek and broke away with a snicker. Her dash down the hall to fetch her coat had her at the door to the servants' entrance just as his cane clicked at the end of the hall. With a pivot she blew him a kiss before opening the door and hurrying out.

The bus to Ripon delayed in the rain and then the shop had half the staff off with colds while the other half were serving their country, so when Anna finally rushed back to Downton she practically ran up the drive. Her hat barely landed on the hook as Mrs. Hughes came left her sitting room. Anna held up a hand, still trying to breathe evenly, and managed a response.

"Everything ran late because of the rain Mrs. Hughes. Have I missed the gong?"

"No, dear, you've not missed the gong." Mrs. Hughes held the parcels as Anna wrestled her coat from her arms. "Though I'd get this up to Lady Mary straight away."

"I will." Anna paused, frowning as she accepted the parcels back. "Is someone in your sitting room?"

"Mr. Bates is meeting with someone in there." Mrs. Hughes pointed around Anna's shoulder. "And if you give me a moment I could tell you what they're saying once I get my ear to that vent there."

Anna grinned at her, "You're a devious one Mrs. Hughes."

"I'm Scottish dear. We need all the advantages we can get since we never really won anything before." Mrs. Hughes waved at her, "No go before someone notices."

Anna barely made it to Mrs. Hughes's door when it opened. She barely had time to turn before whomever Mrs. Hughes tried to spy on exited, running right into Anna with a determined stride. Stumbling back, and trying not to drop any of her packages, Anna blinked and then her face fell.

Standing before her, looking a little more lined and perhaps a tad crueler, was Vera Bates. The women faced one another, Anna paling while Vera only drew her lip back in a sneer. Anna swallowed as she adjusted the parcels in time to see John exit the sitting room.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't little Ms. Anna Smith." Vera eyed her up and down, "I see your livery still fits you. I'd have thought they'd have to give you a wider skirt for when your legs spread for the gentleman who stay at the house."

"Vera!"

"Oh, Batesy," Vera raised a hand, "I'm sure you're response is out of loyalty and not ignorance as to the nature of Ms. Smith here."

"She's of a fine character and I'll not have you besmirching the names of the staff in this house while you're under my roof." Mrs. Hughes stepped forward, partially shielding Anna with her own body. "She's done nothing to bring shame to this house and I'll not have you spreading any kind of lies or poison about."

"Then is it a secret to the house that she was once my cellmate in a London prison?" Vera seemed to have caught sight of the audience gathered at the end of the hall and in the kitchen behind Anna. Her voice raised, "That's right, your dear Mr. Bates here was once married to a convict and your Ms. Smith is one."

"Ms. Smith was acquitted and all charges were dropped against her." Mrs. Hughes pointed a finger in Vera's face. "Say one more word against her and I'll run you out of this house myself with a boot up your ass, make no mistake."

Vera raised her hands in mock surrender, "I'll go. Just know, there's more to tell about the secrets of this house's rotted interior than you have the money or the time to keep quiet."

"The only person we want quiet, is you." Mr. Carson's long legs pulled him down the hall, his saucer-like hands making a definitive statement when they rose over all heads to point at the door. "I believe Mrs. Hughes, for his profanity, was quite clear about where you should be right now and what'll happen if you don't immediately attend to it."

Vera glared at Mr. Carson, shooting Mrs. Hughes and equally withering look before going to the door. "I guess it's a good thing you're getting out of here Batesy. Wouldn't want any of this staining you in your new business venture now would you?"

"What I do or where I'm going is none of your concern Vera. Now get out before we call the police to escort you from this property."

Vera wrenched the door open, knocking it against the wall before stomping out of it.

The silence that reigned when she left gave Anna a clenching sensation in her stomach. She sagged against the wall and John immediately helped her stand. Mrs. Hughes escorted both into her sitting room, calling for some tea from the kitchen and welcoming Mr. Carson to join them before she closed the doors.

That was when the ringing started in Anna's ears. A steady drumming and thumping that could be partially explained by the blood rushing through her. Any other explanation for the sensation was her body trying to gain some semblance of understanding of what just occurred.

It all seemed so unreal that even physical reality confirmed nothing for her.

Her hands were almost numb in their clutching of the packages. The rasp of her ring against the paper of one of them reminded her of earlier that afternoon but it felt like a lifetime ago. Had John really proposed just before she left? Was she truly still holding packages she purchased for Lady Mary just that day?

Slowly she heard the voices, all speaking over one another, and the constant rapping of knuckles at the door that brought more people into the conversation. It all overlapped and broke on one another like parrots in a cacophony of competition. Eventually her mind wrapped on one word, holding to it like a survivor of a shipwreck seeking comfort in a storm, and she spoke.

"Anecdoche." All eyes in the room turned toward her and Anna cleared her throat to speak again. "It's when conversation is everyone talking but no one really listening."

"I think, Ms. Smith," Mr. Carson humphed, eyes darting from John to Mrs. Hughes, and finally not quite meeting Anna's gaze. "We're all trying to figure out what just happened."

"What just happened, Mr. Carson," Anna stood, shifting her bundles to keep them in her numbing hold. "Was that the staff of this house discovered a version of the truth about what happened to me before I returned to her ladyship's employment."

"It doesn't mean anything, Anna." John stepped toward her, risking a hand to her shoulder. "They'll just talk but we'll get past it. It's nothing."

"It's not nothing but I won't stand here and wait for it to be something." Anna faced Mrs. Hughes, "Please tell them what you think they should know now, so they don't assume that what Mrs. Bates left spitting was true."

"Of course."

"And what'll you do, Ms. Smith?" Mr. Carson raised an eyebrow, "I can't imagine her ladyship'll want to hear about this from a second source."

"I can't imagine her ladyship will either, Mr. Carson, so I'll inform her that there's a chance the local population might discover the truth. However," Anna shrugged, "What Mrs. Bates said was right. There are other, more pressing, rumors we'd have to worry about her knowing than my history with incarceration."

"I guess we do." Mr. Carson's voice muffled, remembering the last time they stood in a similar position for a tongue-lashing.

"Now I'd best get these to her ladyship before dinner or she'll think I forgot." Anna rolled her shoulders back, "I someone could help me with the door."

John jumped to it, pulling the door open enough for her to pass through but leaning toward her ear to whisper to her. "Are you alright?"

"No, John, I'm not." Anna shook her head, "But I'm better because this time I'm not fighting her alone. I've got you."

He smiled, "That's what got me through the conversation. Knowing I wasn't fighting her alone anymore either."

"Then I guess we're the perfect pair for this." Anna smiled at him, "I'll see you at supper I hope."

"You will."


	12. Kenopsia

Anna took a deep breath, standing in front of the small mirror in her room, and adjusted the veil.

"Stop touching that or you'll undo all my hard work." Mrs. Hughes hurried over, batting Anna's hands away to reset the headband holding the veil in place. "It took me enough time to get your hair to support this that one wrong move and it'll all fall to pieces."

"Maybe I should've refused her ladyship's veil."

"Nonsense." Mrs. Hughes used the mirror to set it again, stepping back with raised hands over the piece as if using air and prayers to keep it in place. "No one refuses the chance to wear something this fine for any reason."

"But it took you hours to help me raise the hem."

"And it was worth all of that effort." Mrs. Hughes took Anna's hands, pulling her to her feet before placing her hands on either side of Anna's face. "I couldn't be more proud of you than I am right now that you're taking this step."

"Really?"

"You've come so far since you came back to us Anna. So far. There's nothing I could want more for you than what I'm seeing happen right now."

Anna shrugged, pulling at the edge of the dress. "It feels like we've timed it all wrong."

"There's nothing wrong with giving everyone a bit of joy in this time of trial." Mrs. Hughes smiled at Anna, "We're all coming out of this veil of tears and you're the perfect person to bring us through it."

"Thank you Mrs. Hughes." Anna hugged her close, sniffing a moment on the other woman's shoulder.

"I'll have none of that." Mrs. Hughes chided and Anna coughed a laugh, Mrs. Hughes giving a sniff of her own over Anna's shoulder. "I refuse to shed tears on this beautiful dress."

"Then," Anna pulled back, taking a handkerchief to dab first at her eyes then offered it to Mrs. Hughes. "You'd best take this."

"And you'd best get down to the cart before they decide to leave you here."

"I'll be down shortly."

Mrs. Hughes left the room and Anna looked around it one last time. Her hand traced over the bureau and the standing closet. With a tightened grip over the metal frame of the bed she smiled, thinking of all the nights she curled up on it, and then blushed when she thought of the bed she could use from now on.

Stepping into the hallway she shut the door and pushed her name card from the plate on the door. The elegant script, one echoed in all the others down the hall, reminded her of the first time Mrs. Hughes wrote her name on a card. It was 'Anna' then, in flowing letters, and seemed as small as she did when she arrived.

Then, when Lady Mary married Mr. Patrick, Mrs. Hughes's going away gift when Anna packed her belongings for Downton Place was a new name card. This time 'Smith, in all capital letters, adorned her door. She never knew what happened to it, losing it along with everything else when they took her into custody and Lady Mary moved back to Downton.

Turning the card over and over in her hands Anna descended the stairs of the house. With everyone already at the church or otherwise occupied it was as if she were the only one in the house. In the echoing staircase she muttered the only word that came to mind. "Kenopsia."

It returned to her ears, rolling down the stairs and back up again. Anna wondered if she would miss working her way down these stairs in a rush of buttons and breaths to make breakfast on time. But, she thought, she could now share private breakfasts with her husband and not worry about rushing the stairs… only the drive.

When she reached the bottom of the stairs the servants' hall and the other rooms maintained the emptiness of the house above. Anna about-faced the door, taking a deep breath before she walked down the line. In less than an hour she saw herself repeating this motion but John would wait at the end of it.

In his long coat and waistcoat that would pale in comparison to the brilliant beam she could already picture taking over his face. Standing there, at the door to the hall she entered with such trepidation almost five years ago and the ten years before that, Anna pivoted. In a rebounding echo she mumbled the same word again.

Mrs. Hughes helped her into the back of the cart, arranging the veil and train of the dress before raising her eyebrows at Anna. "What kept you?"

"Kenopsia."

"What?"

"The eerie, forlorn atmosphere of a place that is usually bustling with people but is now abandoned and quiet." Anna pointed back to the servants' entrance, "I wanted to feel it in a place I love so much."

"You'll be back Anna." Mrs. Hughes held tight to the cart as it bumped down the drive. "It's not like you're leaving us forever."

"No, but I'm coming back different." She grinned, "I won't be back there as 'Anna Smith' anymore so it was the last time I'd feel that way about it."

"That's true." Mrs. Hughes conceded, "You're coming back in a week as 'Anna Bates' and she's got her whole life ahead of her."

"Yes she does."

It all seemed so surreal after that. Mrs. Hughes helping Anna from the cart so Mr. Carson could lead her into the church. Lady Mary sitting in the front row with her mother, younger sister, and grandmother to give the support of the Crawley family while Gwen giggled her joy before leading Anna in procession.

But once Anna caught sight of John at the altar time slowed. All that mattered was his face. That irrepressible joy that shone like a sun to gleam throughout his whole being. His mother, sitting in the front row, gave her nod of approval as John took Anna's hand and helped her stand next to him.

She lost herself in his eyes. The voice of Father Travis was almost an irritating drone when all she wanted to hear again was John professing his love for her in two simple words. Those words that they technically should not be able to say in the church, given John's history as a Catholic… and a divorced man. But when one has friends as powerful as the Dowager Countess there is nothing that cannot be arranged.

No bridges that cannot be made… or threatened with burning.

The smooth glide of her wedding ring, clinking ever so audibly when it joined her engagement ring, Anna blinked at the tears in her eyes when she recited her own vows and slid the matching ring onto John's finger. The finger now clutched tightly in her grasp as a means of support for her weak knees when his lips met hers.

It was a simple kiss. One meant for the audience more than themselves. Anna took her joy from it all the same since it represented more than the meeting of two lips. It was the binding of two souls, two minds, and two lives into one forever. It was the death of her old life and the beginning of a new one.

It was the moment she was now Anna May Bates.

Cheers and cries of joy accompanied them all the way to door of their bed and breakfast. They waved to the crowd as John unlocked the door and escorted Anna inside. Once it shut they could still hear the muffled shouts of congratulations and whistles for their well-being but Anna could only gape at their sitting room.

Bookshelves covered the walls and she easily recognized the books she borrowed from John over their time at Downton. The books he lent her with ease and accepted back as is she gave him new copies. The books that reminded her of her own. The books that they shared between them first as friends and then as lovers. The books that held the fingerprints of their hands and their hearts.

She traced a spine of one, well-loved and well-cared for, before something else caught her eye. Turning to it Anna gasped, covering her mouth in emotional surprise. Her trembling hand reached out to touch the books on another set of shelves because she feared they might vanish like a mirage. They did not and she could no longer hold back her tears.

John's hands came to her shoulders and Anna turned to him. "Where did you find these?"

"Her ladyship gave me access to the attics and I dug through all the things she and his lordship packed away from when they first came back to Downton. I found a few of them there and the rest I found stored at Downton Place. Some of them were misfiled in the libraries but I think I found them all."

"Every one of them." She shook her head in disbelief, "I can't believe you found them for me."

"They're important to you and therefore important to me." John shuffled, "I just wish it hadn't take me so long to find all of them. I could've given you this library sooner."

"It's more than anyone's ever done for me before John."

"Then we're off to a good start." John took her hands, kissing where he placed the rings on her finger. "I know that your experience with this is all down to an awful man and whatever rumors you'd heard but, if it's too much for you, I don't want you feeling any obligation to-"

"John," Anna placed a finger on his lips, "I'd rather follow this where it leads and then see what happens. If you're amenable to that."

John nodded, "I'll follow your lead, Mrs. Bates."

"Mrs. Bates?" Anna raised an eyebrow, her fingers tugging at the ascot bound around John's throat, "I think I rather like the sound of that."

"Are you sure?" John's hands trailed at her sides, shifting the silky, hand-me-down fabric over her skin to leave Anna shivering. "Given how many people've had it before I don't know if it's something very special."

"It's yours and you gave it to me." Anna smiled at the satisfying slip of the fabric through his collar before dropping it on the small table in their sitting room. "Just like this house we'll make our home and the library we'll read to our children and the life we'll build together."

He did not speak as her fingers tugged his collar open to run her hands over his neck and up to his cheeks. "I treasure everything you give me, John Bates, because you gave me back my life. You gave me yourself and now I want to give you myself. If you'll have me."

John dipped down and scooped Anna into his arms. Her hands at his neck clutched there for support as he took her up the stairs to their bedroom. She barely had time to note the fireplace or the two chairs there before he rested her on the second-hand bed he placed between the brass headboard and footboard he polished to a shine.

"I'd be more than honored by your invitation, Mrs. Bates." He kneeled before her, his hand slipping up her stocking-ed leg to grip the heel of her shoe. "May I?"

"They'd seem rather impractical in bed."

He grinned back at her, "Unless you're planning on running away."

"Not unless you're running with me."

"Not tonight." First one shoe and then the other thumped to the floor and his fingers tickled up to reach where she clipped her stockings to her garters. "Shall I continue?"

"Please." Anna forced air into her lungs, squirming and twitching when he intentionally ran his finger along the arch of her foot or down her calf to tickle her.

John stuffed the stockings in her shoes and set them to the side while he shifted up to lean over her, hands still caressing up her legs under her skirt. The movement shifted the fabric over her thighs and Anna could only let out a soft sigh until she gasped when he stopped at her garters. A tug on the strap holding them to the belt he had not reached yet had Anna meeting his eyes again.

"Tell me if you want me to stop."

"John I-"

"At any time for any reason," He held her gaze, "Don't hesitate."

"I won't."

"Then shall I continue?"

"I'd be cross if you didn't."

"In that case," John kissed the tip of her nose, moving away before she could attempt to claim his mouth, "I'd be a poor husband if I angered my wife in the first hours of our marriage."

"Yes you would." Anna wished she had something wittier to say but John stole her breath when his lips ghosted over her neck while his fingers trailed toward her garter belt.

It unhooked when he sucked a moment at her pulse. Anna lifted her hips, her hands finally finding a hold point at his shoulders, and he glided the belt and garters down her legs to let them drop on the growing pile of her clothes he amassed on the floor. And he surprised her when, instead of removing her other undergarments, John pulled back to shuck off his morning coat.

It draped over her things and Anna wondered if the pile could represent the rest of their life together. Intertwined, joined, and indistinguishable. She wanted it to be that way. Wanted them to be that way forever.

John's waistcoat thumping atop the pile brought her back to the moment at hand and she grasped the back of his neck to hold when his lips finally met hers again. Where she sought to rush, wishing to build the fire stoking slowly inside her at the sensation of his trouser leg under her creeping foot, he only tempted her with the possibility of an inferno. His hands teased and traipsed over her but offered no relief to the rising in her chest. Anna suspected that was his intention.

This would not be like the clumsy hands and brutal actions of a time in the past. This would be devotion and delicacy at its finest. The darkness of that night, physical and emotional, would be swept away by the caring and gentle hands of her husband. That memory would hold no power over her any longer with the anticipation of what was to come burning brightly in her soul.

Or the memory of what would actually transpire.

Anna bit her lip when John's teeth scraped the skin under her ear and trailed to her collar. She leaned back, holding herself up on her shaking arms, and tried to suppress a giggle when the veil shifted like Mrs. Hughes warned it would. But John took care of that, tossing the veil away, and lowered her to the comforting sink of the duvet.

She laughed when he could not find the buttons he sought and guided his hands to her side. Though she offered to slip them loose John shook his head. Those large fingers proved just as dexterous with the buttons as they always had with the careful mending and sowing he performed across the table in the servants' hall. Anna extended her arms for him to slide the sleeves from her and pull the rest of the dress off.

A waft of air hit her as John moved away. She twisted on the bed, smiling when she noted the care he took to hang the dress in the closet. His feet slipped from his shoes, the socks balling and crumpling under the weight of the garters he dropped on them before he pulled his arms loose from his suspenders to join Anna again.

"I thought it should be kept safely."

"Thank you. Mrs. Hughes worked hard on it." Anna shimmied to lie across the bed lengthwise. "The way you worked hard on this."

"It's for you." John knelt on the bed, leaning over her. "That made it worth any effort I gave."

"Then may I suggest?" Anna sat up, putting a hand on his shoulder and surprised him with an audible 'oof' when she pushed him back onto the bed. "You allow me to give you your reward for it all?"

"You already have."

"No," Anna shook her head, "I think there's more I could do."

She stroked down the line of his shirt, pulling it open with distinctive pops of the fabric and the buttons. His undershirt and white shirt pulled from his trousers together and, once she worked the buttons on his cuffs, Anna sat back enough to allow John to sit up and pull them over his head. When they left her sight they left her mind and her eyes entirely focused on his chest… the veritable treasure she just uncovered almost by accident.

Her hands explored with her whole palm, scraping drags of her nails, and even risked kisses. When all were met with his groans of approval she continued. His hands, not passive by any means, only stroked over her arms and played with the ties on her corset.

Anna giggled when he managed to loosen it enough to let her entire chest expand. The rush of oxygen giving her a moment of surprise that allowed John to unlatch it and fling it from her before tipping himself up enough to set his mouth to work. His lips caught her even more off guard and her hand slipped to the mattress next to his head to hold herself over him.

His hands then snuck under her chemise, pushing it away from the skin of her lower back and stomach. With massaging movements of his thumbs and presses of his fingers he ran further and further toward her breasts. When he brushed against them Anna sat up straight.

John froze but Anna only gripped the bunched cloth and pulled it over her head. The way his eyes glazed over and his mouth gaped encouraged her to slip her hands over his and force him to his intended destination. If Anna had to choose, at that moment, her favorite reaction it was their unison chorus of moans when John settled the weight of her breasts in his palms.

He flicked over her nipples and Anna moved fully atop him. She ducked her head to his neck, laying sloppy kisses there until he shifted beneath her to take one of her nipples in his mouth. The fingers gripping at the back of his head did nothing but drive him onward as tongue and teeth joined the efforts to leave Anna gasping in pleasure.

What caught her off guard was when John turned them over. It was her turn to let out a gasp of air when she hit the mattress. And continued to lose air as John's fingers slipped into her knickers while his mouth continued its ministrations over her sensitive breasts.

With a twist of her hips she caught his fingers in the fabric and huffed for him to read her mind as to her intentions. His mouth left a final kiss between her breasts while he hooked his thumbs under the elastic band that held her knickers to her hips. The synchronicity of movement between her knickers traveling down her legs and his mouth zigzagging kisses over her abdomen left Anna clenching at the sheets.

Even that gave her no pretext for what happened next. With his mouth working its way lower Anna could only hazard incorrect guesses as to his intentions. When he settled at her bundle of nerves she shrieked. When he gently opened her legs to settled his fingers in a slippery massage of her folds she choked on his name. And when he used his tongue to open and taste her she saw stars.

He worked as diligently there as he ever had in kissing her mouth. Or her hands. Or anything. In the back of Anna's mind, and when she dwelled on it later, she new John to be of singularly admirable devotion to a task. When he set his mind to something he saw it through to the finish. At the moment his task was her finish.

Anna could only guess it was her own voice echoing back John's name as it bounced over the room. His lips met hers and she tentatively tasted herself there. It covered his taste… but no, it was more like an added flavor. Complementary spices and sweetness like chili and chocolate, vanilla and orange, or mint and lavender. Two things that no one thought belonged together until it happened.

Through her haze of pleasure she could feel his skin under her touch. Her half-hazed eyes reached blindly for whatever parts of him she could reach and dug her fingers in to keep him in place. He succumbed to her efforts and settled between her legs and over her.

For a moment she paused, the feeling of something once dark and terrible threatening to ruin the moment between them. Her eyes scrunched shut to fight back the terror that loomed at the back of her mind. But when his hand laid on her face Anna opened her eyes to see him.

Her John. The love of her life. The man who would not only never hurt her but would do all in his power to protect her forever. The man she knew would pull back now, forget himself, and wait for her to be ready. The man who offered his hand to her when all she saw was darkness and brought her to the light.

The man she wanted to wipe all the bad memories away.

She nodded, lifting one of her legs to his hip and gasped when he brushed her sensitive center. His lips soothed over her, running from her mouth to her ear and back while whispering his adoration and affection. Anna pulled with her foot at the back of his thigh to slide him closer.

Their eyes met again and Anna forced hers open as John thrust inside. Her jaw clenched and it took a moment of John's hands on her thigh and side to relax her enough for the second thrust. He finally settled inside her and paused, waiting for her lead, and took it gingerly.

Emotionally Anna knew it was different. The sounds and location told her as much and she sought comfort in those reminders. This was not the kitchen of Downton Place or the hard floor there. This was her home, the place she would share with John and their family. This was not then, this was now.

The fabric under her was not her ripped apron but the duvet they bought together. Her face breathed the fresh air of their bedroom tinged with the sweat of their exertions instead of having her face pressed to the grimy stones. The hands that worked over her brought her to the peak again instead of batting away her flailing attempts at escape. The man above her did not take but gave… gave his heart, his time, his ear, his affection, and his soul.

Anna could almost see it like throwing ashes to the wind. The memory of that night, the one that haunted her for so long and once threatened to poison everything, scattered. The terror that leered at the edge of her mind fled in the face of such loving devotion and unfettered adoration. The whispers of her husbands voice were as effective as the battle cries of a defending army, leaving the shadows of Mr. Green to flee forever.

There was only she and John. This moment, this experience, and this sensation. That exquisite fullness replaced the invasive brutality. The loving touches banished the bruising grip. Her second climax replaced the pain.

When John joined her there, burying his head in the crook of her neck Anna breathed the smell of his hair, of his skin, of their pleasure washing over them. If he heard her whisper he said nothing.

"Kenopsia." She smiled to herself, shutting her eyes.

Where once her mind had been full of fears there was now only calm. Without had been fightings, within had been fears as the Bible said. But, as it continued, then came the comfort. The comfort that lay next to her, interlacing their hands so their rings clinked together.

Anna opened her eyes to smile at him. John smiled back, kissing her softly and pulling her close. She lay there, finally at peace.


	13. Occhiolism

Anna could not stop staring at him. His right arm draped over his abdomen, the dark hair that peppered his arms different enough from the dark hair of her chest that she could see where one ended and the other began. She flexed her fingers in the grip of his other hand, twisting the ring on his finger a moment, and slipped loose.

Her fingers snuck over his skin. Even with the rings on her fingers making her his and the one she placed on his making him hers, it still felt like the door might burst open at any moment and Mrs. Hughes or Mr. Carson might reprimand them for being caught in such a state.

It made it all the more exciting.

Breathing next to him was easier than she imagined. After they drifted off, their fingers entwined, she slept easier than she ever had before. She knew it was all to do with finally feeling free. Finally living outside the shadow that stalked the edges of her mind like the darkness near woods parents warn children to avoid.

With John she was free. But knowing one is free and relishing in that freedom are two different things. That same hesitation that stops someone stepping confidently toward the future skimmed Anna's fingers over his skin as if afraid to wake him.

Her body tingled, twinged, and ached in places she had not noticed so acutely in a long time. Even that memory held no more power over her, Anna realized as she shifted to sit up and twisted to position herself perpendicular to John. Perpendicular to her husband, she reminded herself with a smile. He was why that memory held no more power over her.

"Perfect love casteth out all fear." She dipped her head to brush her lips over his forehead and almost jumped when John twitched. He did not wake, only shifted under the sheets and reach for her.

Slipping her hand in his, and sliding back under the sheets, she burrowed next to his side again. Sleep could not claim her, comfortable though she was nestled in the warm blankets and next to her warmer husband. Instead Anna traced the lines of the muscles in his arm. Each one, no matter how small, endured the inspection of her fingertips until Anna was sure she could replicate the detail of his arm with her eyes closed.

Just as Anna moved up his shoulder John's lips landed on her hand. She smiled at him, his sleep-filled eyes blinking at her until they cleared enough to take her in. His eyes twinkled as they echoed his smile and Anna used the arm in her grip to leverage herself high enough to kiss him.

"Good morning."

"It's far too early for you."

"I couldn't sleep." Anna confessed, resting her chin on his shoulder as her body shivered at the merest glide of his fingers at her side. "I didn't want you to vanish and be a dream."

"I'm not going anywhere Anna."

"I know." She focused on the skin of his shoulder, tracing her fingers there as his left arm wrapped over her back to settle her more fully on his chest. "But it didn't stop the thought that anytime I closed my eyes you'd just be a lovely dream I wasn't supposed to have in my room at Downton."

John grinned, "Did you have many of those while you were there?"

"I had more than my fair share." Anna tried to duck her head at the rise of red in her cheeks but John twisted to keep her face visible. "They always stopped before…"

John frowned but Anna did not finish. It only took a moment, sleep still working its way through his system, before he nodded, "You couldn't bear the thought of it?"

"There was so much terror around that for me." Anna traced a nonsense pattern in the hair on his chest. "I couldn't face it so I locked it away."

"Last night you didn't-"

"Because I didn't." Anna placed her fingers over his mouth, stopping John's argument. "There was a moment, when you first entered, that my mind almost stopped you but I realized you weren't him. You've never been him. And it was different."

"Were you alright?"

"I was perfect, John." Anna blinked at a tear, bending down to kiss him as their tears mingled on the pillow under his head. "I feel whole for the first time."

"How else do you feel?"

She searched his expression, tracing over his face with careful fingers. "I've finally reached occhiolism."

John laughed, "With you as my wife I'll never need a dictionary again."

"Do you know what it means?"

"No," He settled back on the pillows, "But I'm more than confident you'll tell me and then I'll have a new word for today."

Anna snatched her pillow and swatted him with it. They struggled for a moment until John wrestled Anna under him, kissing over her face as she feigned trying to escape his affection. Finally he pulled back, beaming at him in the early morning light. "What does it mean Mrs. Bates?"

"Perhaps I should make you buy a dictionary to find out."

"And perhaps I make a trail from your jaw," His teeth scraped there as he trapped her wrists to ensure she could not hinder his progress down her body with his mouth. "To where you want me most."

"I can't," Anna half-shrieked, writhing under the ministrations of his tongue over her breasts. "After last night-"

"You'll be all the more ready for me." He stopped, chin resting just above her navel, "That is only if you desire it Anna."

She gasped and nodded. Her neck arched, making the line from her hips to her head one bending beam of sparking nerves while John's fingers and mouth slipped over familiar territory. Even after his explorations the night before the sensation of his mouth over her most delicate nerves was like his maiden voyage and his dedication in seeking out her minutest pleasure just as ardent.

Anna whitened her knuckles in the sheets, strangling them in her grip while her other hand raked into his hair and tugged. Her hips jerked and stuttered helplessly, still learning how to respond to his encouragement. But John was a good teacher, guiding her with words and motions to work in harmony with his efforts while sending her higher and higher.

The cry that reached her ears when she broke bounced harshly off her ears, like an unfamiliar voice, and she sucked air through her mouth in an attempt to ease her body with an influx of oxygen. Nevertheless, her own efforts pled in comparison to the soothing massage John applied to her quaking muscles and quivering nerves. His words and kisses worked back up her body to settle back at her side.

Turning to him she tried to find her voice, gulping and closing her eyes as if that could lend additional strength to the herculean task ahead of her. When she finally felt her lungs would not collapse at the first attempt to speak she stumbled over the words. John's frown slowed her voice, and Anna finally managed it.

"It's the awareness of the smallness of your perspective."

"What?"

"Occhiolism." Anna managed a half smile, her chest still rising and falling as if she tried to run from the servants' hall to the attic rooms without stopping. "It means an awareness of the smallness of your perspective."

"Did your perspective seem small before?"

Anna nodded, her hand resting just on John's cheek and realizing he could feel the quiver there when he covered it with his own hand. "I never knew I could be this happy."

"Even though people will say you're a fool for risking it all to marry the manager of a small bed and breakfast?"

"You're the one who married a convict, Mr. Bates." Anna giggled back at him, shifting so they could lay on their sides and face one another. "And I'm sure that if people find out they'll call you a fool, and me names for pulling you into my troubles."

"Now, Mrs. Bates," He chided, tapping the end of her nose, "I do believe I knew what I was getting into when I proposed to you. And you still risked it all knowing that my ex-wife is no doubt still scheming against us."

"She was always plotting something." Anna sighed, "Never could find peace in herself."

"Or with anyone else."

"All the same," Anna's tone grew serious, "Now that you've had your way with me I just hope you don't live to regret it."

John shook his head into the pillow, "I couldn't regret it. No matter what comes, or who in our case, I know only that I am now who I was meant to be."

"I'm not worthy of you," She focused on his hand, open on the pillow between them, and maneuvered her smaller fingers over the lines there. "That's all I know."

"Mrs. Bates," His voice drew her back to his face and she could have melted into the sheets at the look he gave her, "We're waited long enough to be together, you and I. Now that we are man and wife can we let that be enough? Can we let our love for one another be enough?"

Anna leaned forward until her lips almost touched his, " I think I can manage that."

"Can you?" The whisper of his words tickled at her but Anna held steady. "Can you really manage to love me until the end of time?"

"That's the easy part Mr. Bates." Anna pushed at his shoulder and steadied herself with a deep breath before straddling his waist. Resting her arms on his chest she licked her lips just enough that her tongue teased his lips in return. "Loving you was always easy for me."

"Then what was difficult?"

"Accepting that you loved me back."

John sat up faster than Anna could comprehend and she gasped when she could feel his erection trapped between then and pulsing with heat that rubbed at her still-sensitive core. " _Doubt thou the stars are fire; Doubt that the sun doth move; Doubt truth to be a liar; But never doubt I love_."

Anna surrendered to him then. Her arms wrapped around his shoulders to hold her steady when their mouths met. One of his hands cupped the back of her head, manipulating her to best counter his motions and allow their kiss to engulf them both.

His other hand snuck between them, easing a finger into her wet heat to send her moaning into their kiss. When he added another finger Anna broke away, burying her head on his shoulder to breathe. As she rocked and gyrated of her hips John matched tempo with his lips moving to her breasts to send her scrambling to move faster or find some purchase on him.

Her body crested the way again, leaving her shuddering against him, and John slipped forward. The stiff slide of him soothed and rasped simultaneously, sending Anna's head up and her fingers digging into the back of John's neck. When she forced her eyes open he waited for her nod before thrusting into her.

Both stopped. Anna swallowed her chest pressed to his so their heartbeats synchronized and fluttered and syncopated while they tried not to lose sight of one another when they lost themselves in the sensations. It great even more difficult to gain any semblance of control as John relaxed his hold on her to lie on the mattress.

Anna tried to clamp on his arms for support but his nod encouraged her to sit astride him. One of his hands held her hip, guiding her instead of gripping, while his other led her hands in exploration of his chest. Her fingers slipped in the beading sweat there, tangled in the hair, and finally stroked the muscles she only imagined under so many crisp, white shirts.

With each groan from him, each strangled moan, each shiver of his body under her amateur attempts at pleasure Anna grew bolder. Instead of needing his hand to show her how to move, John now used it to steady himself. Instead of giving her step-by-step guides he could only keep a strained hold on his own control. And instead of leading he followed.

She tugged his other hand to her center, flailing a bit in her unspoken request but he patiently taught her how to answer her own need. Let her pleasure match his when they increased speed and then gritted his teeth to let her have the reins again. Anna relished in it, hearing and watching for those cues that would lead her husband to finish as he continued leading her.

When John finally lost his control Anna held on tightly. She shifted ever so slightly to meet his drives and cried his name to the roof when she slid over the peak for the third time that morning. His harsher, more feral, expression comforted her ears the way his limp arms struggled to wrap over her and comfort her body.

They lay there, panting and sweating together, and Anna sighed. The smallness of her perspective indeed. Who could have ever foreseen this?

She snuggled closer to him, breathing in the scent she wanted to carry with her forever. The scent that, while not yet familiar, would be a staple in their home. The combine scent of the two of them after they expressed what words failed to articulate and only actions could attempt.

Anna closed her eyes, comforted by the fact that love now had a smell. She need not fear he would vanish from her sight when he cuddled her close. And if she could still hear his heart beat under her ear.

All was well with her.


	14. Liberosis

She covered her mouth with her hand, trying to mute the sobs threatening to escape. John's voice called from the parlor and she hurried to flush the contents. Splashing water on her face, Anna made sure she left no trace of water happened and hurried to the front door.

"If you don't hurry you'll be late." John teased but she noticed his frown when he saw her expression. "Anna, have you been crying?"

"Just allergies."

"But you're not allergic to anything."

"Maybe it's the flu."

"I don't think-"

"I'll be late John." She pressed a kiss to his cheek, lacking the warmth it needed to convince him but she was out the door and up the lane before he could speak again.

It was all she could do not to cry up the drive to Downton. Even as she avoided the soldiers and invalids moving in and out of the house her reactions were robotic, learned. Her hand settled over her abdomen and when she had a moment she risked checking for further bleeding in the water closet before starting her day.

Lady Mary's focus matched Anna's in preoccupation, frowning at a stack of letters she filed through as Anna did her hair. "There's something off about these accounts."

"Could it be the soup kitchen that her ladyship and Ms. O'Brien found at Downton Cottage?"

"No," Lady Mary shook her head and Anna stepped back a moment, lifting her hands to avoid mussing the work she already did. "It's something else."

"Not bad I hope."

"No and that's what's worrying." Lady Mary met Anna's eyes in the mirror. "We're doing well."

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"In wartime it means you're probably involved in something illegal." Lady Mary sighed, "And I can't talk to Mathew about it since he's back in France."

"Daisy says William's letters all say they're doing well."

"I can't imagine _Captain_ Crawley being anything but fine." She huffed, "I think it's something to do with the man he put in charge in his absence."

"I thought you said Mr. Napier recommended him."

"He did but…" Lady Mary shivered, "I'm not Mr. Blake's biggest fan."

"I don't think you're his either milady but perhaps that's why you work well together." Anna finished Lady Mary's hair and stepped back, "You butt heads enough with someone and they tend to learn to see your point of view."

"I doubt we will." Lady Mary dabbed lotion on her hands, studying Anna in the mirror. "Have you and Bates been butting heads?"

"No milady. Mr. Bates is as wonderful as he always is."

"Then can I ask why you came into my room this morning like a thundercloud dumped its contents all over your head?" She turned on the seat, standing to take the shawl Anna offered. "I know your faces by now and this one isn't the one you should be wearing when you're less than a year married. You wear this face when you've grown tired of sleeping next to your husband."

"It's nothing, milady."

"I'd rather you didn't try and insult me by lying again." Lady Mary pointed to the chair in her room and Anna lowered herself tentatively to the seat while Lady Mary perched on the footstool. "You've been my maid for almost sixteen years Anna. I'd like to think that while we're probably not friends we are allies. In whatever this is like we should be in all things."

"I consider you a friend, milady."

"Then please, as your friend, let me do what I can to help." Lady Mary waited but Anna only cast her eyes to the floor. "Is it about Bates?"

"No, milady, he's been nothing but wonderful and glorious to me."

"Then what is it?"

"It's…" Anna wrung her hands, sniffing at the tears in her eyes. "I think I'm broken."

Lady Mary waited a beat, her voice subdued when she responded. "Can you not… engage with him?"

"I can," Anna tried to swallow past her tears, seeking her rationality in it all enough to communicate her deepest fears in the light of day instead of dwelling on them in the dark of night. "And I thought it would be an issue but it's not. We're quite happy… that way."

"Then it's something else?"

Anna nodded, wiping at her eyes with her hand a minute until Lady Mary pressed a handkerchief there. They both looked at the fabric and while Lady Mary gave a little chuckle it only brought more tears to Anna. Lady Mary's hand came to her shoulder.

"Anna, I only wanted to return the handkerchief."

"I can't… I can't give him what he wants." Anna sobbed into the cloth, the bitter tears soaking the fabric John gave her so long ago to dry her tears mocking her with its sentiment. "I can't have children."

"Is he pressing you about it because it sometimes takes couples longer. You saw Patrick and I struggle with it for years before Master George came along."

"It's not that I can't get pregnant, milady." Anna folded the handkerchief into her fist, clutching it tightly. "I just can't keep them."

"Them?" Anna nodded at Lady Mary's question and waited for the inevitable follow-up. "How many have there been, Anna?"

"At least two, perhaps three when I didn't realize."

Lady Mary covered Anna's hand with her own, "It's not your fault, Anna."

"But who else could I blame? Who else but me is so broken they can't have children?"

"There are plenty of women who can't have children, Anna."

"But I want his child." Anna shook her head, "I've never wanted anything more than I want to give John a child and now I can't."

"There's no telling that you can't, Anna. You just can't right now." Lady Mary shrugged, "There are a host of reasons why not. It could be stress or the weather or perhaps your body still adjusting."

"Milady…" Anna lowered her voice, "You and I both know it can't be that."

Lady Mary paled, "You swore you never wanted to speak about that again, Anna. It's over and done with."

"But he was proof."

"Proof of nothing since, as far as we decided, he doesn't exist." Lady Mary clutched Anna's hand. "What happened then is in the past and now is different. There are reasons why you can't have a child now and I don't want you thinking that you're anything less than you are. There are other things to investigate about this."

"Like what, milady?"

"Well," Lady Mary chewed her lip a moment, her eyes far away before she shook herself back to the present. "Let me make some _discreet_ inquiries and then I'll tell you when I have something."

"I couldn't take your time like that, milady."

"Yes you can." Lady Mary stood, helping Anna do so as well, and went back to her table to gather the letters. "Now, we'll both put on our battle faces. Me to confront the belligerent Naval Officer pretending at being my land agent and manager in the library and you to your work."

"Milady," Anna waited until Lady Mary faced her again from the door, "Whatever happened… to him?"

"He's happy." Lady Mary smiled, "Aunt Rosamund relished the chance to raise a child and he's apparently rather clever so she's very proud."

"And he has a good life?"

"He does." Lady Mary walked back to Anna, "Aunt Rosmund knows enough about it that she'd be willing to let you meet him. Get to know him if you wanted."

Anna shook her head, "John doesn't know about him and I don't want to tell him when we're struggling to have our own child."

"It's none of my business but I feel that sometimes we need advice we're not asking for." Lady Mary took a deep breath, "You were right when you told me that raising Marigold here would be my penance and my salvation and it has been. I've never been happier than seeing she and George grow up together."

"I'm glad, milady."

"Which is why I think you might be mistaken not to tell John about Henry."

"But what could he do about it?" Anna waved a hand in the air, "He always wants to solve a problem and I don't know how to tell him about something he can't solve. I don't want to bring him that suffering."

"It'll be worse if he doesn't know." Lady Mary tilted her head to the side a moment, "And I find I won't need you until before dinner so perhaps you should pay your husband a visit."

"I can't."

"Anna," Lady Mary put a hand on her shoulder, forcing Anna to look at her. "My greatest regret was never telling Patrick I forgave him. I don't want yours to be a secret you're carrying in the pit of your stomach for the rest of your marriage. Be honest with him because he deserves the chance to be there for you and you don't deserve to bear this burden alone any longer."

Anna nodded, "I'll try."

"I wish I could tell you how to say it but I don't have the words for you."

"I'll find them, milady."

"I wish you could find some for me too." Lady Mary shuddered, "I'm dreading this meeting."

"Then perhaps milady, if its not too bold to say, you and I could reconvene tonight and discuss how those conversations went?"

Lady Mary smiled, "I'll agree to that."

"Thank you, milady." Anna gestured around her, "For everything you've done for me and continue to do for me."

"The same to you Anna. Who would we be without one another?"

"Not the same."

"Definitely not." Lady Mary left the room and Anna gathered her things, and her courage, for the trek back to her home.

John was not at the front desk but the woman there- Jane?- sent Anna to their back parlor. She left her hat and coat on the hooks, listening for her husband in the house, but could not hear him. As she stood in the middle of the room she heard a noise in the garden.

Weaving around the table in their kitchen and through the backdoor Anna saw John laying down a shovel to place a small rosebush in a freshly dug hole. His hands filled dirt around it, patting it down before taking to his feet. He turned toward the house and stopped when he caught sight of her.

"Anna, are you alright?"

"I'm…" She took a breath, pointing to the rosebush. "What are those?"

"Roses."

"Yes, but why?"

"They're… They're for…" John choked and Anna stepped toward him, putting a hand on his arm. "They're for our babies, Anna."

Her hands flew to cover her mouth and John put his hands on her arms, holding gently. "I know you didn't want to tell me but I knew. I knew this morning when you wouldn't speak to me and I… I didn't know how to tell you I knew."

"So you planted these?"

John nodded, drawing them both to the line of bushes. "I know it was too early to tell if they were boys or girls but I've already named them in my mind." He dropped his gaze from her, muttering almost to himself, "I thought they deserved names since they need something for us to call them in Heaven. If you didn't-"

"What are their names John?" Anna's tears wet her cheeks as she stared at the rosebushes representing the family they almost had.

He pointed to the first, "Jonathan, after me, and then Annabelle, after you."

"And this one?" Anna pulled him to join her in front of the fresh bush. "What's her name?"

"I thought we could name her after my mother."

Anna nodded, "I love the name Elizabeth."

"Anna," John pivoted to face her, using a finger under her chin to draw her up to look at him. "I don't want you to keep this pain to yourself."

"But it hurts to tell you John." She sobbed and he wrapped her in his embrace. "I don't want to watch you suffer."

"That's what marriage is, Anna. In sickness and in health."

"This is worse than that John."

"It's what we agreed to, Anna." He craned back enough to see her face, wiping at a few of her tears and ignoring his own. "And I can't bear to see you in pain from a distance. I want to share it and we'll bear it better together."

"Then I need to confess something to you." A crack of lightning and the resounding echo of thunder interrupted the rest of Anna's confession. "But inside."

John led them back inside, stoking a fire in the parlor before sitting in the armchair across from Anna. She repeated her actions from earlier, using only the edge of the seat to support her. Her hands fidgeted on her knees until they interlaced so tightly her fingers went white.

"What did you need to confess Anna?"

She swallowed, "Part of the reason I didn't want to tell you about losing the babies is because I know it's me."

"It could be any number of things, Anna."

"But it's me, John." Anna held up a hand to stop his arguments. "Because I can't fathom why I can't bear your children when I bore him one."

John's mouth fell open slightly. "What?"

"Lady Mary helped me hide it and that's the secret I was afraid Ms. O'Brien found out from Thomas because I always thought Thomas figured it out." Anna took a breath, "After Green… raped me, I thought that was the worst a person could suffer. But it's worse when you realize that you're carrying their child."

"What happened to it?"

"Lady Mary arranged for the two of us to go on a trip abroad. I delivered him in France and then Lady Mary's aunt, Lady Rosamund, came and retrieved the baby. They'd discussed it between them for months about how Lady Mary had a friend in the family way that needed someone to take the baby."

"No one suspected you?"

Anna shook her head, "No one notices you when you keep your head down and wear the house uniform. Even as nice as the Crawley family is they often don't realize what goes on around them and Lady Mary helped me use that to my advantage."

"So Lady Rosamund's raising your child?"

"He's never been mine, John." Anna shrugged, "He's always been hers and it's better that way."

"Have you ever met him?"

"I held him when they delivered him and nursed him a few days until Lady Rosamund came." Anna sniffed, "I wanted to hold our children like I held him but I don't think I can. I think I'm broken for you."

She dissolved into sobs again, the one rational part of her mind wondering if there was a limit to how much a person could cry before they simply dried up, and stayed that way until John wrapped his arms around her. Her head rested on his shoulder as his hand smoothed over her back. They rocked together until he pressed a kiss to her temple before whispering in her ear.

"Let me help you bear this, Anna. Please let me bear this with you. I don't want you to bear this alone anymore."

"I don't either."

They maneuvered to look in one another's eyes. John brushed some of her loose hair back, tucking it behind her ear. "Then let me love you. Let me suffer with you. Let me hurt with you, Anna. I can't bear to watch you die slowly before me if there's even a tiny miracle I could manage to do for you. I'd move the world for you if I could."

"Oh John," Anna put her hands on either side of John's face, resting her forehead on his, "What did I ever do to deserve you?"

"You exist, Anna, and that's all you need ever do for me." He turned to kiss both of her palms, not moving her hands away. "Please let me in."

Anna nodded, "I just… I just want liberosis."

"What?"

"It's the desire to care less about things."

"No," John shook his head fast enough to displace her hands. "I don't want you caring any less about things than you do. It's what makes you who you are, Anna."

"But it hurts so much John."

"Then let me take that hurt away. Let me love you." He paused, "If I can."

"I think you can." Anna swayed a moment, unsure. "I'm not bleeding any longer and I'm not sore any longer."

"Then please?"

"Why?" Anna swallowed, "We know it might not work."

"Because it's the best way I know to show you how much I love you. And," John lifted her into his arms, carrying her confidently up the stairs to their bedroom, "Because I don't love you to have a baby but because I love you enough to want a baby with you."

For all the tears Anna shed that day it did something she did not expect. It gave John an advantage since it left her exhausted. She lay limply on the bed, open to his perusal and attentions, and soon relaxed under the massage of his hands.

He took care with her clothing, hanging up her skirt and shirt, carefully removing her shoes, and sliding her stockings slowly down her legs. His firm grip took her right foot in hand first, massaging and molding the muscles until Anna let a shiver of pleasure pass through her body. Once he finished with her left foot he worked his way up her calves and thighs until her reached her hips. These he handled with care while he drew her underthings away to leave her bare before him.

Divesting himself of his own clothing, John joined her. But he touched her just as carefully. His fingers returned again and again to her abdomen, not teasing but showering her with adoration. Their lips met in slow, careful kisses while he left her body sinking into the blankets beneath them.

When he finally touched her where they shared so pain they stopped. They could not break the gaze of the other as John guided her to the peak again and again. He left her shaking under his devoted attentions and Anna summoned enough strength to spread her legs apart. John's unspoken question met the determined nod of her head before he moved toward her.

In their months of marriage there had been many times they fell together. Many times they teased one another until they laughed and climaxed. And others when they tried to race to finish the other before they peaked.

This was different.

This was two sols finally sharing the depth of their pain. Sharing the depth of the love that bound them together and took them through the veil of tears toward the happier shore. The mutual joining in the tumult and turbulence of the waves about them. The comfort of another soul so close and so dear to bear it with you.

Anna knew no light but John in that moment. Her breath caught, panting and keening under his attentions. His skin slick and firm beneath her fingers as she guided him with nonverbal cues. John's attentions no less focused when he ensured she fell again but he joined her soon afterward.

They lay together in the silence, holding one another close, and occasionally shedding tears. Happy tears and sad tears mixed to grow the damp spots on their pillows and on one another. Eventually Anna noted the clock and pushed herself up.

"I've got to go back to work."

"I should as well." John sat up too, taking both her hands and kissing each one before kissing her lips. "It'll be alright, Anna."

"How do you know that, Mr. Bates?"

"Because I've got you by my side and nothing's impossible with you here with me." He smiled, "No matter what, Anna, you're more than I could ever even hoped to find in my life and anything else is just a miracle."

"You're my miracle John."

"I hope so." He kissed her again, "I do hope so."


	15. Nodus Tollens

Lady Mary's grin at Anna through the mirror was met with a dignified nod. "I'll assume that you and Bates are on the same foot again?"

"The afternoon was very… enlightening."

"Mine as well." Lady Mary stood, taking the gloves to pull them up her arms, "I think I might've misjudged Mr. Blake."

"Is he not out to ruin you, milady?"

"I think he's out to save the estate." Lady Mary shuddered, "There's nothing I hate more than admitting I was wrong."

"They say it's good for the soul, milady."

"Then _they_ don't know what they're talking about."

"I don't think they'd be a _they_ if they weren't right on occasion." Anna finished setting the last pin. "But they're right about at least one thing."

"Which would be?"

"That the truth sets you free."

"I'm glad it frees you." Lady Mary pushed off the table, "Captain Crawley wrote this afternoon."

"Did he?"

"Well, I saw wrote but it was actually a telegram." Lady Mary pulled her gloves up her arms, adjusting them until she could bend comfortably, "But he writes that he's probably coming up here on leave soon. He wants to make sure the mechanization he intends for the estate will actually be available in the next few months and wants to meet with Mr. Blake."

"Do you think they'll get on?"

Lady Mary shrugged, "You never know with some people. You'd never think that I could see the better part of Mr. Blake but now that I have I hope Captain Crawley will too."

"He usually sees the best in most people," Anna smiled, "Anything else milady?"

"Not until after dinner but that might be late. I'm having Mama, Granny, and Mrs. Crawley and they do like to argue."

Anna massaged a finger until she could find the words she wanted. "Milady, would you mind if I asked you something?"

"Not at all."

"After a… _discussion_ , this afternoon with Mr. Bates." Anna blushed slightly under Lady Mary's satisfied smirk. "I'd like to know if Lady Rosamund wouldn't mind me actually meeting Henry."

Lady Mary's eyebrows brushed the line of her scalp, "You want to meet him?"

"Mr. Bates thinks that I should."

"And he doesn't mind?"

Anna shook her head, "Mr. Bates is one of the most understanding men I've ever met."

"I'll assume so." Lady Mary shrugged up one shoulder, "He's far more understanding than Patrick would've ever been."

"I'm lucky."

"I'll say." Lady Mary swallowed, "But I can ask Aunt Rosamund. Knowing her I don't think she'll mind."

"Has she…" Anna cleared her throat, "Has she told him about me?"

"As far as I know he's aware that Aunt Rosamund isn't his mother and that he's adopted." Lady Mary adjusted her dress in the mirror, "She's not told him who his parents are because she doesn't know."

"And I'm ever so grateful for that."

Lady Mary smiled, "I know. And Aunt Rosamund is nothing if not understanding of the situation that surrounded the adoption and I don't think she'd mind if you just wanted to meet the boy."

"I promise I don't want to take him from her or anything and I-"

"Anna," Lady Mary interrupted her, "I know you're looking for closure and I don't mind at all. I don't think Aunt Rosamund'll mind either. Let me write her and ask and then let you know."

Anna nodded, "Thank you."

"It's truly nothing. Now," Lady Mary let a shiver run through her body like she needed to roll her shoulders in preparation of what lay ahead. "I need to prepare for battle."

"Very good milady." Anna gathered up Lady Mary's clothing and held them over her arm as she headed for the dressing room.

In the hallway the comforting clank of keys alerted Anna to Mrs. Hughes and she turned with a smile. But it immediately fell at the expression on Mrs. Hughes's face. Anna looked around the gallery and then at Mrs. Hughes.

"Is something wrong Mrs. Hughes?"

"That devil woman is back."

"What?" Anna almost dropped all the clothes in her arms but swift reactions on the part of Mrs. Hughes and herself stopped the inevitable tumble. "Whatever for?"

"She's ranting and raving about some secret she'll tell the whole house."

Anna only took the few minutes needed to barely hang the clothing back in the wardrobe before following Mrs. Hughes back toward the servants' stair. Noises from the hall below stopped them at the door. The color drained from Mrs. Hughes's face and Anna wondered if it drained just as quickly from her own. They darted to the edge and saw Vera Bates, throwing off Mr. Carson's noble efforts to stop her, and only sent her voice shrieking toward the rafters.

"I've got something to say and I won't be hidden away in the corner of your office to keep this to myself. I've got something they'll want to here."

"Bloody bitch." Mrs. Hughes muttered and Anna almost did not hear her in the race she made for the stairs.

Her feet barely touched down in her sprint to the main floor and the door only caught in the carpet before it could bang off the wall with the force her exit. The women in the dining room, joined by the doctor and a dark haired man trying to suppress a grin at the brouhaha he enjoyed with a glass to his lips, hurried out to see what ruckus echoed around the hall.

"Could you kindly bring your voice to an acceptable volume?" Lady Mary stepped forward, snapping in a tone that shut Vera up but led to a dark scowl. "There are soldiers recovering in the rooms of this house and trying to enjoy their evening. You're making this incredibly difficult for them and that's unacceptable. Furthermore you're intruding in my home without an invitation or the courtesy of decorum."

"Not used to being disrespected?"

"I'm not used to seeing the animals let out of their cages." Lady Mary crossed her arms over her chest, "Now please have the decency to introduce yourself so I can put a name to the detestable display ruining my evening."

"Not mine." The man snorted in the back, "I've not seen anything this enjoyable since one of my mates got shattered and-"

"Major Bryant, if you can't contribute to the conversation in a positive fashion I suggest you not speak at all." Lady Mary shot him a glare, "If you don't I might be asked to wonder how sick you really are and why you're ungrateful, deceptive, and fornicating ass is still taking up a bed in my house."

The man shut himself up immediately, slinking away as Lady Mary turned back to Vera. "Your name, madam, of I'll be forced to only describe you to the police and I'm not sure they're ready for the words I'd use."

"My name's Vera Bates."

"Bates?" The Dowager Countess stepped forward, frowning, "Are you related to John Bates, the former valet of this house?"

"Former?" Vera snorted, "Get himself sacked did he?"

"His position was left empty when my husband, the late Lord Grantham, passed in the war." Lady Mary's icy tone sent a chill down Anna's back. "What's your connection to Bates?"

"I'm his ex-wife."

"Then I'm sure he was as glad to be rid of you as we'll be when you finally turn toward the door and keep walking until this house and all its occupants are a distant memory." Lady Mary turned to Mr. Carson, "Please show her the door. And if she won't go I'm sure you could enlist the help of a few of the servicemen here to help you haul her there."

"Not until I've said what I've come to say."

"I thought you already screamed to the rafters what you'd come to say."

Vera only sneered, "I've not said nothing yet."

"Then please say something of use, you're boring me."

"How much do you know about your maid?"

Lady Mary yawned but all the others flicked their eyes toward Anna, who stepped from the shadows toward the encounter. "If we're going to engage in a guessing game I've no interest in participating. You're not the planned entertainment for this evening."

"Did you know she had a bastard child?"

Anna's throat closed as the room froze. In that moment Anna wished she could find somewhere to hide herself, and she briefly considered taking up residence in Mr. Carson's mouth since his jaw dropped to the floor and offered the optimal location. But Lady Mary barely blinked.

"I'd kindly ask you to please leave your coarse language at the door with whatever else you've got sticking up your ass."

"Then you already know."

"What I know about my maid is none of your concern. What I know about you, however, does concern me." Lady Mary narrowed her eyes, "I'm curious how you came by this information."

"It's common knowledge."

"No," Lady Mary shook her head, "It's not, as you can see by the reactions of those about you. Though, I'll admit, that might be due to the fact they've exceedingly more manners than you seem to possess."

"Think you're so high and mighty do you?"

"I think I'm a right state better than you." Lady Mary drew up to her full eight. "If all you've come to give me are scandalous lies about trusted members of my staff, or even former members of my staff, I'll have you know that I've a team of very impressive solicitors who'll just love to tear you to shreds should you repeat what you've said here."

"But it's not slander." Vera drew out a letter, thrusting it in Lady Mary's direction. "It's all there in black and white."

"Technically this is cream with a slight herring bone inlay." Lady Mary's eyes darted over the page before she raised an eyebrow. After a moment she turned to Mr. Carson. "Carson, would you please bring Ms. O'Brien to the library while we move this little interrogation there?"

"Of… of course, milady." Mr. Carson hopped to as Lady Mary extended her arm.

"Mrs. Bates, please join us in the library. Mama, you'll want to come. And, Mrs. Hughes," Lady Mary turned, "Please escort Anna. She needs someone to give her a bit of support for this."

Facing her other guests Lady Mary smiled at them, "I do apologize for the events of this evening. Please return to dinner and we'll join you shortly."

Anna leaned heavily on Mrs. Hughes and they waited until Mr. Carson returned with Ms. O'Brien. Lady Mary pointed to the door and it closed, leaving them in relative silence with only the muttering of voices on the other side of the temporary panels. The atmosphere almost crushed Anna and she only remained standing with the aid of Mrs. Hughes.

Lady Mary held the letter up to Ms. O'Brien. "Would you like to explain this?"

"Explain what, your ladyship?"

"I'm not an idiot. I've seen your handwriting a hundred times over the years and I know you wrote this letter. What's more, you've gone and signed your name to it. So I ask again," Lady Mary stepped toward her. "Would you care to explain it?"

"It's just a rumor I heard."

"Says here," Lady Mary scanned the page, " _Thomas, a former footman and valet of this family, confided in me events at a house party thrown by Lady Mary Crawley and her husband, the late Lord Grantham Patrick Crawley, eight years ago that may be of some interest to you. According to him, the valet to Anthony Foyle, next Vicount Gillingham, raped Lady Mary's lady's maid Anna Smith- a person with whom I believe you're intimately acquainted. They released her from prison after they failed to convict her but that wasn't the end of the story._

 _"According to the timeline of events he described, she and Lady Mary took a trip to France eight months following and stayed there for three months. Shortly afterward Lady Mary's aunt, Lady Rosamund Painswick, adopted a child. From the peeks Thomas gained of their correspondence I believe that child is the child of Anna Smith, her bastard._ " Lady Mary faced Ms. O'Brien, reading the last line while looking the trembling woman in the face, " _I thought this information may be of some use to you. Dispense it as you see fit._ "

She dropped the letter, "Would you care to elaborate on what you plotted with Mrs. Bates here?"

"I didn't plot anything your ladyship." Ms. O'Brien turned toward the Dowager Countess, "I haven't done anything."

"I'd say that's far from the truth O'Brien." The Dowager's soft voice, bearing the burden of the betrayal like a weight on her shoulders, broke. "What could you possibly hold over dear Anna that you'd resort to this?"

"I didn't mean anything by it. They were just rumors."

"And they've cost you more than your reputation." Lady Mary folded up the letter, placing it in Ms. O'Brien's hand. "You're dismissed, effectively immediately.: without notice and without reference. Mrs. Hughes'll pay you what you're owed to this moment and then you'll be gone by morning."

"But-"

"I do hope, O'Brien," Lady Mary bit out, "You're not about to make a defense for yourself after what your words just caused in the gallery."

Ms. O'Brien kept silent as Lady Mary faced Vera. "And if you came here for black mail or some kind of ransom money to keep your mouth shut I've only this to say to you." She stood toe-to-toe with Vera. "Bugger off."

"What about the child?"

"You mean the son of my aunt? My cousin?" Lady Mary shrugged, "I'm sure the world wouldn't look kindly on your insinuations that the child my disgustingly wealthy aunt adopted out of the goodness of her heart is anything but fortunate. Like you'll be if you leave this house at once and never return to trouble it or any of those who fall under its protection again."

"This isn't the end." Vera snarled, her finger positively vibrating where she held it in Lady Mary's face. "I'll finish them off."

"No, you'll crawl back to whatever hole you call yours and you'll rot there." Lady Mary drew herself to tower over Vera. "I'm Lady Mary Crawley, mistress of this house, and you've darkened its doorways long enough. Now get out before I have you tossed through a window."

Vera stormed away, throwing doors open on her way out of the house. Ms. O'Brien, on the other hand, kept her head down and slipped quietly out of the way with Mrs. Hughes on her heels. Lady Mary moved over Anna to speak to Mr. Carson. "Please escort my mother back to the dining room, Carson, and have them continue with dinner. I'll join them shortly."

"Very good your ladyship." Mr. Carson held out a hand and the Dowager joined him, leaving Lady Mary and Anna alone in the room.

Lady Mary let out a sigh, "That was absolutely wretched."

Anna could only manage a nod. "Very Nodus Tollens, milady."

"What?"

"It's the realization that the plot of your own life doesn't make sense to you anymore." Anna sawyed and Lady Mary helped her into a chair. "All of these things coming back to haunt me, rising from the dead to confront me again. It's all so much that I feel like I'm lost in the plot of my own life."

"But what a plot to be lost in yes?" Lady Mary managed a half chuckle, "At least it's fascinating and you're not trying to fend off the romantic attempts of Major Bryant."

"Milady," Anna shook her head, "I'll never be able to repay what you've done for me tonight."

"You gave my aunt happiness in the form of a child she never thought she'd have and you've been by my side for years, Anna." Lady Mary sighed, "Though I feel the rumors won't be stopped. I couldn't do anything about that."

"It's enough knowing that I'm not alone with them anymore, milady." Anna gathered herself, standing. "I keep darkening your doorways."

"You make life interesting Anna and, especially now, I need a bit more of that."

"I'd like a bit less."

Lady Mary smiled, "But that's not how life works… or, at least that's what _they_ say."

Anna sighed, "Maybe you were right and _they_ don't know what they're talking about."

"After what we just endured, I bloody well think they do. And more's the pity for us that it's so."


	16. Altschmerz

Someone tapped her on the shoulder and Anna extracted herself from the depths of the wardrobe, holding only one stocking in her hand. She hurried to stand when she saw Lady Mary standing there. "Yes milady?"

"I've had an idea."

"What kind of idea, milady?"

"About your… issue."

Anna snorted, recovering quickly. "No offense meant, milady, but I've so many of those I don't even know which you mean anymore."

"You're right there." Lady Mary managed a laugh she tried to hide behind her hand. "But I meant about your conception problem."

"Yes?"

"You remember how I visited a doctor when I was first married to Patrick and then again a few months after you arrived back?"

"Yes."

"His name's Doctor Ryder and I think he could help you too."

"Do what?"

"Check if there's a problem?" Lady Mary shrugged, "You conceived and carried to term once. Who's to say you couldn't again?"

"Every failed pregnancy since then, milady."

"Yes but if there is a problem isn't it better to know than live in fear and trembling for the rest of your days?" Lady Mary sighed, "What if he can fix whatever's wrong? Wouldn't you want to take the chance he can?"

"And be disappointed?"

"You wouldn't be in any worse shape than you are now."

Anna bit her lip, "It sounds too good to be true milady."

"It's modern science, Anna, and there's something to be said about what it can do and the doors it could open."

With a nod Anna replied, "When would we need to meet with him?"

"I'm going to London next week to meet Captain Crawley on his leave and discuss the estate since he won't have time to come up here so could your husband spare you a week?"

"Mr. Bates is well aware of the commitments I've made to this house milady and what's required of me."

"Good. Then we'll leave next Thursday and be back the following Wednesday afternoon."

"What should I pack then?"

"Enough for dinners, at least two possible events with dancing involved, and probably my longer gloves. Aunt Rosamund might want to take me out to dinner one evening."

Anna paused, "Are we staying with your aunt then milady?"

"Yes," Lady Mary held up a hand, "It'll be alright. She wants you to meet Henry on your own terms but perhaps this is the best time."

"When I'm possibly about to discover he's the only child I'll ever have and he's not even mine?"

"I can't say I've ever been in your position, Anna, but as a mother I think even knowing your child exists would be a good thing." Lady Mary shrugged, "At the very least you can be his friend and that's a bond worth a lot more than the fear of rejection."

"Meaning no offense, milady, but I don't know if you're certain about that."

"I'm not because most people don't reject me but I've had my share of times I've regretted not taking the harder step and I don't want that for you." Lady Mary nodded at the wardrobe, "So you'll have everything ready by next Thursday?"

"Of course milady."

Anna finished in the dressing room, preparing for the evening and the following week, before listening to the rumblings of her stomach enough to leave the rest of it for later. She took the stairs to the servants' hall but bypassed the group gathered to chat and discuss around the table. Instead she took her hat and coat off their peg before heading outside.

The lawn hosted the small cricket match between some of the convalescing officers as well as their version of rugby when the players were missing limbs and full teams. Anna worked around them toward the secreted spot where she had confessed her deepest secrets to John so long ago. What seemed like a lifetime ago since she was no longer that person.

It was almost like the saying, a man can never step into the same river twice for it is not the same river and he is not the same man.

She caught John in mid-spread of the blanket and grinned at his bashful expression. "I'd hoped to have it all set up when you arrived."

"Like some decadent feast for a faerie queen or something?" Anna removed her hat, placing it on the bench and taking the end of the blanket to help him spread it. "I don't know if I could advocate for that."

"Why not?" John passed over the basket, "You're my queen."

"And you're my king." She propped herself up on her hands and knees, leaning over the basket to kiss him. "What've you brought for lunch?"

"Sandwiches, bit of cake from tea yesterday, and," He drew out two bottles from the basket with a flourish, "Beer."

"Mr. Bates," Anna chided, "How very racy of you."

"I am racy." John teased back, removing the tops of the bottles before handing one over. "What should we drink to?"

She turned the bottle in her hands, "New beginnings."

"I'll drink to that." They clinked bottles and both took a draft before John pulled the contents of the basket out. "What new beginnings are you referring to today?"

"Do I need a particular one?"

"You wouldn't have said it if you didn't mean something recent."

Anna grinned, "Maybe I didn't mean anything by it."

John narrowed his eyes, shifting toward her on the blanket and making sure the food basket were out of his way. "What are you up to Mrs. Bates."

"Nothing."

He snatched the bottle from her hand when she tried to take a sip to avoid answering another question. "What are you up to?"

"Nothing," She giggled and kissed him, her hand smoothing up his rolled back sleeve to try and extract her bottle.

When he did not hand it over she broke the kiss to struggle for it. John only rolled so Anna sprawled over him. She adjusted but her arms were still too long and his other hand took up residence on her thigh.

Their eyes met and Anna lowered her head, stopping her lips from just brushing his to whisper. "There are people a few hundred feet from here."

"They won't hear us."

"Says you." Anna played with the buttons at his collar, pulling them loose with satisfying gives of the fabric, and worked down to his waistcoat while her other hand loosened his tie. "But I know you can be very loud when you want to be."

"Not as loud as you."

"All the more reason, Mr. Bates," She trilled over the long-a vowel of his name to leave him shivering under the scrape of her nails over his undershirt. "That we should stop ourselves before we're compromised."

"We're married, Mrs. Bates."

"But it'd still be indecent."

"Only if we get noticed." His hand now free of the abandoned bottle tickled up her face to trace along the bones of her cheek and jaw. "We're in our own little world here, Anna."

"Our faerieland?"

"Exactly that." John craned his neck to press a kiss behind her ear as the first in a chain leading down to her pulse. "A land where the king and queen bask in the glow of spring together."

"I think everyone would rather-" Anna's voice caught when John's finger traced the top of her stockings.

"Yes?" Anna wanted to swat her husband for the satisfied smile she could feel spreading on her neck as he continued speaking, sending the vibration against her skin. "You were saying something."

"And you're distracting me."

"You're right." One of his hands slipped toward her knickers. "I'm hoping to seduce the answer out of you."

"I'm made of stronger stuff than that." Anna ground down on John, licking her lips when his head went back and his hands froze on her legs. "You'll have to work harder for your answer."

"I'm already hard Anna."

"I can tell." Her hands slipped under his undershirt, curling and rubbing her fingers through the hair she cannot see but can picture down to the individual hairs from memory, and she decides she will make that her foundation. "Should I do something about it?"

"You're the one worried we can't be quiet."

"We can't be." Anna scratched down his chest while her other hand teased the opening of his trousers. "But you've got yourself all worked up now it'd be cruel to leave you in such a state."

"It would." His fingers regained their life and Anna gasped when they set a rhythmic motion against her through the material of her knickers.

"I've never been one to be so cruel." Anna let his trousers open with a tug on the button and then drew down the zipper.

"Never." He confirmed, flaring out her skirt to give her legs the room she needed to fully straddle him and maintain modesty over the two of them.

"Best not to start now then."

"Best not."

Anna slid forward, the rasp of their clothing almost too harsh on her ears. But her fingers caressing the familiar skin of his chest and his erection simultaneously drown out all other sensations. His groans increased in volume and frequency with each move of his hips until one of his hands slipped from her knickers to hold her hip.

With a perceptible shift he moved Anna where he needed her. It took a moment of adjustment, her skirt proving help and hindrance to their frantic efforts, but the mutual moan when John impaled Anna gave them the respite they needed. Their eyes met with a buck of John's hips and a rock of Anna's, sending them both racing to finish the other first.

Scrambling fingers and panting breaths kept the tempo of their tryst. Repeated kisses seemed almost too tame next to the scratching, gripping, and thrusting they used to convey the same emotions. And when pressing, gyrating, rubbing, and whimpering seemed almost to crescendo they were left to fall back to earth together.

Anna's head rested on his shoulder, rising with his chest when he filled his lungs, and her fingers glided back and forth unconsciously at his shoulder. John's lips brushed at her forehead and Anna lifted herself enough to see his face. They smiled at one another before shifting back to states of dress acceptable in public.

"You'll be needed back soon."

"They'll be alright for a few more minutes." Anna picked up her bottle, holding it between two fingers to wiggle it at John. "And now I think I'll finish this."

"Are you going to tell me what new beginnings you were talking about?" John selected a sandwich, pressing the other into Anna's free hand.

"Lady Mary wants to take me to London next Thursday to see a doctor."

"Are you ill?"

"Not as such." Anna rested her bottle on the ground, patting her stomach. "He's a specialist she thinks could help us find out what's wrong with me."

"Does she think he'll know?"

"She thinks it's worth the try."

"And what do you think?"

Anna shrugged, "She brought up a good point when she said that if we find out he can't do anything then we're in no worse shape than we are now. We've only to benefit from what he could tell me."

"I think it's worth the effort just to see." John put a hand over hers, "But if you feel it's not necessary then I'll understand too."

"I just… I don't want to get my hopes up and find out that it's useless." Anna sniffed, "I don't want to believe there's another child when there's never going to be one."

John nodded, "I understand that."

"I don't want us hoping for something that might never happen and crush our dreams all over again." Anna caught her voice in her throat, "I couldn't bear for you to add another rosebush."

"Neither can I but, if anything, this doctor could help you find out if there are any other possible problems." John shuddered, "I wouldn't want to wake up one day and find out there's something else that's worse."

"What could be worse than us never having a child, John?"

His hands held hers and he stared deeply into her eyes. "The idea of losing you. Not having children is hard but there are things we could do for that. Losing you…" He shook his head, "It doesn't bear considering."

"So you'd consider adoption?"

"If you're open to it." John gave a small smile, "I'll be honest, I'm Irish and Scottish and so we rely heavily on the idea of a tribal, clan-like family but I'm willing to bring others into my tribe."

"Well, I'll go see the doctor next week and we'll see about it, yeah?"

"Perfect."

* * *

The days flew by and before Anna could fully comprehend the complexities of the passage of time John was kissing her cheek and waving her down to London. As always the station there was a cacophony of noise and smells but Anna helped navigate the porters through it to get Lady Mary's things on the back of Lady Rosamund's car. After that the next hurdle was managing the traffic through the city.

Or, Anna thought those were the most difficult things.

In reality the terror in her chest rose with every turn of the wheels rolling them closer and closer to Lady Rosamund's home. Once outside of it Anna's hands shook and she had to force her shoulder into the door to get it open since her hands lacked strength. The footman at the door followed Anna's instructions about their things and she hurried to follow Lady Mary inside the house.

Lady Rosamund greeted Lady Mary with a kiss to both cheeks, "I thought the war would keep you away from London and I'd never see any of you."

"Honestly I think Mama should come and live here with you. Far more men to catch her eye here than if she insists on staying in the country where the men fear to tread." Lady Mary paused, "I was curious if Henry was about."

"He's finishing up with a maths tutor and then he'll be around shortly." Lady Rosamund stopped, her gaze falling on Anna. "I do believe we've met before."

"We have, milady." Anna tipped toward a curtsey. "It's my pleasure to see you're well."

"I'm sure it's actually mine." Lady Rosamund flicked her gaze toward Lady Mary and then back at Anna. "I do believe you're the one I should thank for the miracle of Henry."

"If you'd like to call it that then I'm flattered, milady."

"I call it that everyday." Lady Rosamund sighed, "I always thought that the pleasures of motherhood would pass me by and then a twist in circumstance became my great fortune."

"I'm glad you see it that way." Anna shuffled in place, "I wouldn't have put it like that."

"No, I guess you wouldn't."

Anna held up a hand, "I'm so sorry if you thought I was being impertinent, milady, it's just that-"

Lady Rosamund held up her hand, "It's alright. It was my slip of the tongue that led to such a callous remark. I do apologize and hope you'll forgive the outburst."

"Consider it already forgotten milady."

A door opened and a boy, almost up to Anna's shoulder, escaped from the room. His shoes squeaked on the floor as he ran for the stairs, utterly oblivious to the gathering in the foyer, and he grasped the end of the banister like he needed it to speed his ascent. Lady Rosamund cleared her throat and the boy halted with his shoulders hunched forward as if cringing under the attentions of the woman.

"I do believe the polite response to guests in the house is to greet them."

He pivoted, wincing at Lady Rosamnud, "Sorry mother."

"Don't say sorry, say hello." She pointed to Lady Mary and Anna. "I'm sure you remember your cousin Mary, yes?"

"If you don't it might be because you're not so tall I don't look quite the monster you once thought I was." Lady Mary offered her cheek to the boy and he kissed it. "You've grown so much Henry it's amazing they don't press you into service right now."

"They say the war'll be over by year's end."

"May we all be so lucky." Lady Rosamund beamed at the boy before noting Anna's face. "Henry, there's actually someone here with Mary that I believe you should meet."

"Perhaps-" Lady Mary interjected, "Somewhere a bit more private where there are chairs for our aching feet?"

"The parlor then."

The group of four filed there, Lady Rosamund ruffling the brunette hair of the boy before pulling him to her side with a hand on his shoulder. He leaned into the motion and Anna rubbed at her chest. Lady Mary caught the motion and dipped her head to whisper to Anna.

"We don't have to tell him."

"He should know."

Anna waited for the others to sit before taking a place directly opposite Henry. She looked at Lady Mary and then Lady Rosamund. The latter spoke first.

"Henry, you remember what I told you about your parents?"

"That they gave me to you so I could have a good life."

"That's right." Lady Rosamund took a breath, "Would you like to meet your mother."

"But you're my mother." He smiled at her, "I don't need another one."

"No, I suppose you don't." Lady Rosamund fumbled for words, "But wouldn't you like to meet your other mother? Get to know her?"

"Would she take me away from you?"

Anna shook her head emphatically and Lady Rosamund smiled at her, "No. She just wants to get to know you. To see how you're getting on."

"I guess it's alright then." He sat back, scanning the room, "Is she here?"

"Yes," Lady Rosamund opened a hand toward Anna, "This is your mother."

Anna realized that no matter how many different scenarios she imagined or how many responses she wrote over napkins and serviettes and the edges of the bills in her home she had none of them on hand. But then they all felt hollow at this moment. The confusion scrunched Henry's face and he turned to his mother before facing Anna again. And she swore that his inspection of her not only lasted eternity but also found her wanting.

"She's my mother?"

"Yes she is." Lady Mary held her hand out toward Anna. "This is Anna."

Henry took a moment before sticking his hand toward Anna, "I'm Henry."

Anna took his hand, "It's lovely to meet you Henry."

* * *

After the initial shock of meeting Henry, Anna found herself still a little awkward around him for the first few days. But eventually they found a rhythm and he agreed to accept Anna as a kind of pen pal so they could maintain a friendship. Even the visit to consult with Doctor Ryder, and the necessary examination, gave her less trepidation.

He listened to Anna recount her experience with the miscarriages and then pursed his lips. "And you're saying you've had three of them in the last year?"

"That's right."

He nodded, "None of your children have survived?"

"There was one." Anna chewed the inside of her cheek. "He's eight now."

"But none of your recent pregnancies have carried to term?"

"That's right."

"Given my examination of you earlier, and the only conclusion I can come to is an incompetent cervix."

Lady Mary and Anna looked at one another before Anna spoke. "What exactly does that mean?"

"It means your womb isn't strong enough to support the weight of the baby after a period and the body spontaneously delivers."

"Is that normal?"

"It's not uncommon and therefore there are methods to mend it."

Anna breathed a sigh of relief, "That's good to hear."

Lady Mary put her hand forward, "Is it difficult?"

"Not at all. We wait until Mrs. Bates falls pregnant again and then I perform a simple operation to insert a stich to strengthen the cervix. Shortly before you're due to deliver I remove it."

"That's all?"

"Yes."

Anna shifted, "Would I have to come back here?"

"If you wanted but I could insert the stich in your own home and remove it there too. It's truly that simple."

"Then I think we've got the answers we need." Lady Mary stood, "Thank you Doctor Ryder."

As she extended her hand to shake his Anna spoke up, "What could cause this?"

"There are a number of things."

"But what do you think?"

He tipped his head to the side, "Given what you've told me I'm led to believe there was a significant gap between your delivery of the first child and your current attempts there are two possibilities I find most plausible."

"Which are?"

"The first is difficulty during birth. Was the labor for your son particularly difficult?"

"I've no experience to draw from to say."

"Valid." Doctor Ryder tapped his pen on the ledger before him. "The other option is trauma to the cervical area."

"What kind of trauma?"

"In a decent number of the cases I've seen and treated there was usually a rather…" He squirmed, "Brutal sexual experience."

Lady Mary took her seat again, "Are you saying that the trauma could be the result of an assault?"

"It's been known to happen."

"But she delivered her first."

"It's possible that the delivery of the baby finished breaking what was already damaged." Doctor Ryder met Anna's eyes. "But it can be mended and you don't need to worry. You're healthy and my examination revealed no malformations so I'm sure you're perfectly healthy to conceive and carry… with a bit of help."

"Thank you Doctor." Anna took the lead to stand this time, shaking the man's hand. "You've taken a few great weights off my mind."

"Always glad to be of assistance." He led them to the door, "And call me day or night when you need me. We've always got someone on the phones."

The two women left the office, taking to the street as Anna flagged down a taxi for them. Lady Mary checked her watch and sighed, "I need to get to the Officer's club."

"I'm sorry I delayed you milady."

"No, it's to make sure I'm there before him."

Anna turned to the taxi, "Then you take this one milady. I've got an errand to run and then I'll be back at Lady Rosamund's in enough time to help you prepare for dinner."

"If I'm back by then." Lady Mary climbed into the taxi, putting her hand over Anna's when the door closed. "It's alright to hope now Anna."

"Thank you milady. I wouldn't have it without you."

"We're there for our friends." She sat back, calling the address to the driver to leave Anna waiting for another taxi.

She gave the address she remembered as a part of an almost forgotten memory. When Anna left the taxi, paying the man through the window, she surveyed the street and rolled her shoulders back. Given the mountains she climbed in the last few days she would not allow this one to crush her. Could not allow it to crush her. So much depended on this conversation.

Raising her knuckles to rap the wood Anna tried to even her breathing and steady herself. When the door opened it was like meeting Henry for the first time all over again. Any prepared phrases or responses fled at the sight of the woman before her.

"I'm sorry to drop in on you like this and I'm sure you weren't expecting to see me but-"

It was a miracle Anna even managed to get that far before the woman tugged her through the doorway and embraced her. Frozen in surprise, Anna's arms caught awkwardly between the woman's vice of a grip, it was all she could do just to pat at the nearest bit of body within her reach. The constriction only lasted a moment more before the other woman pulled back.

"I was so hoping we'd have another chance to chat." She looked back toward her kitchen, "Unfortunately I've nothing ready for a proper tea."

"I don't need that Mrs. Bates."

"Elizabeth, please." She soothed Anna, rubbing her arm and leading her to the sitting room. "At this point you're more 'Mrs. Bates' than I am."

Anna managed a half smile, perched on the edge of the seat, and clutched her hands tightly. "I don't know how much John's written to you in his letters."

"He writes me about most things."

"So you know about the babies?"

Mrs. Bates nodded, "He mentioned he suspected and then after he discovered he was right." She massaged above her heart, "Hurt my soul to watch you both suffering in that."

"I visited a doctor today who said there's a chance we could fix the problem so I hope we won't have that trouble any longer."

"That's fantastic."

"It is." Anna agreed, allowing a genuine smile to take over her face before she sobered. "But I'm here, mostly, to apologize for how I ran out the last time I was here."

"It was a bit much." Mrs. Bates snorted, " _I_ was a bit much."

"No," Anna shook her head and moved her hand as if to wipe the comment away. "You weren't the problem."

"Wasn't I?"

"It was me."

Mrs. Bates raised her eyebrows, "I find that hard to believe."

"When you mentioned John's ex-wife and I saw the picture it terrified me because…" Anna took a steadying breath, "I was the one to share her cell for a time. In prison."

Mrs. Bates did not answer immediately, only narrowed her eyes and tipped her head slightly to the side. When she finally spoke Anna wondered if it was relief or dread sloshing inside her. "You're not telling me the whole truth."

"No, I'm not."

"You misunderstand," Mrs. Bates raised a finger. "I'm not asking for the story you have to tell me about why you might've been in that cell with Mrs. Mephistopheles herself because it's none of my business and I don't care about it anyway. Whatever they say you did I know you didn't."

"You do?"

"How could you? Given the way John writes about you I'd be hard pressed to believe you're anything less than an angel."

Anna reddened, "He's prone to exaggeration."

"Regardless, he adores you. Plus," Mrs. Bates winked, "I always read what he writes with a touch of salt. You learn to read between the lines. That's where he writes most of it."

Anna smiled, "It's true."

"Unlike why you left my house then."

"But I just said-"

"You said you left because you shared Vera's cell. But what you're not saying is that you left because I made a comment in ignorance of your condition based on a generalization that placed you in an uncomfortable position." Anna only lowered her head in response. "I thought so."

"It's not-"

"My dear girl," Mrs. Bates raised a hand to stop Anna's arguments, "I do hope you're not about to apologize to me when it's me that needs to apologize to you."

"You didn't know."

"And that's no excuse." Mrs. Bates took one of Anna's hands. "Can you forgive an old woman her foolish assumptions?"

Anna nodded, tears coming to her eyes, "I already do."

"Good." Mrs. Bates sighed, "Then I don't feel obligated to give you a list of my sins. That list is too long and those are only the ones I remember."

They both laughed and Anna sat back in the chair. "Have any of them ever been the same?"

Mrs. Bates snorted, 'Of course. I suffer from altscherz."

Anna blinked, "What?"

"John said you were a wordsmith." Mrs. Bates leaned forward, narrowing her eyes while raising an eyebrow comically. "Are you telling me that you don't know a word I do?"

"I'm sure there are plenty of words left in the world I don't know."

"Well this one is the weariness you get with the same old issues that you've always had, the same boring flaws, and the same troubling anxieties that you've been gnawing on for years. They never go away. They just come back around to bite you again and again."

"I know a bit about that." Anna sighed, "I've a nasty habit of letting my fears rule me."

"We all do, dear." Mrs. Bates shook her head, "We're all just trying our best and that's al we can do."

"In that spirit," Anna extended her hand, "I'm Anna Bates and I married your son."

Mrs. Bates took her hand. "I'm the mother of your husband and it's a pleasure to meet you."

Anna smiled, "And you."


	17. Chrysalism

His hands slipped around her waist from behind and he lifted her off the floor. Anna squealed, the suds flying from her hands to land on the table and floor as he swung her about. She twisted and squirmed until he put her down and held her face in his hands, carefully enough to kiss her.

When he broke the kiss she smiled at him, "What's this all about?"

"It's about a honeymoon."

"John we've been married over a year." Anna laughed, patting his face and then using her apron to remove the suds. "I think we missed the chance for a honeymoon many months ago."

"That's why we need one."

"I thought we already had one… or a semblance of one."

"That honeymoon consisted of two days in this house." He kissed over her hands, holding them tightly, "I'm giving you a real honeymoon. A get away somewhere beautiful."

"Staying in the house for two days was a rather beautiful." Ana grinned at him, "And, I thought, a rather pleasurable experience."

John shared her grin, "As did I but I want to spoil you another way now."

"I thought you could just use the table for that."

His eyes darted to the table and then he lifted Anna again, setting her on the table with a thump. "Then that's what I'll do."

"John!" She shrieked in surprise as his lips attacked her neck, "Are you serious?"

"Weren't you?" He teethed at her neck, his fingers already caressing carefully enough to pull apart her apron and work her buttons loose.

"I was joking."

"I thought I should act on such a good idea." John let her apron drape over a chair and slipped the bottoms loose on her shirt to glide his hands around to her back. "Unless you disagree."

Anna could no longer respond with words and used her whimper as response enough. All she cared about was that his hands stroked over her back from shoulders to her waistline. She keened under the attentions of his mouth to her skin and surrendered to his enthusiasm.

Her hands went behind her after she shed her sleeves and tried to support her body upright while John laid kisses from her neck to her collar. Her breasts heaved against the corset, suddenly more restrictive than normal as she tried to compensate with deeper breaths. Dexterous fingers tugged her laces loose and flipped the hooks from their hold to drop the heavy weight to the floor.

Those same fingers bunched and rucked her chemise until it left the containment of her skirt to fly over her head. It barely brushed her hair before one of his hands held the back of her neck. The pull and tug of his urgent grasp there left Anna moaning into his insistent kiss.

John's other hand sculpted up her body, leaving her writhing under his attentions. He smoothed over her skin, teasing where she gasped and lingering where she groaned. When she took air he directed his attentions to her neck. With both hands free he took greater care to brush and knead at her breasts until Anna's hands surrendered her moment of security and support on the table to cling to him, her nails digging into his scalp when his mouth took over the work of his hands.

"John," She struggled on the edge of the table as her skirt rode up and pulled tight over her legs, making it almost impossible to pull him closer. "John!"

He paused, his lips slipping off her nipple. Anna lifted her hips and he smiled at her. Stepping back just far enough he found the buttons on her skirt and managed to loosen them all enough to pull it and her slip off her legs. His thumbs tucked under the band on her knickers and divested them as well.

With her legs open for him, Anna welcomed him closer. With as quickly as he removed her clothing it amazed Anna at how swiftly John could remove his own. Soon her fingers greedily raked through the familiar hair on his chest while her thighs slotted themselves around his hips.

She leaned her head up, seeking his mouth, and slowed their motions with the careful maneuvering of her lips over his. John obediently followed her lead. One of his hands caressed at the base of her back, smoothing lover the skin there to brush at the top of her ass, while the other took up its former occupation at her breasts.

Anna moved one of her hands to the juncture of his shoulder and neck, guiding her lips down to the other side while planting kisses the whole way. John hummed his approval against her skin and shifted closer so Anna could feel him. Her other hand trailed the marked path of hair from his chest to his arousal and took a grip there.

His head came up, the strangled groan escaping at her touch over him. When she tightened her grip, massaging the smooth skin with flicks of her wrist, John dug his fingers into the flesh of her back while his hips jerked independently of him. And when her hand worked him from base to tip he buried his head in her shoulder and grabbed the table beneath her for support.

Opening her legs wider Anna used her grip to urge him closer. Both of them groaned in unison as she used his tip to rub at her entrance. John lifted his head and Anna nodded for him to thrust forward.

Her fingers now clutched at his shoulders and side. The skin folded under her grip, giving her a handhold as John used his hand on the table and his hand on her ass to control his drives. Anna raised her hips slightly, keening at the sweet slide of him in and out of her, to press her center toward the thump of his hips.

She risked taking a hand from his side to rub for herself, pressing and slipping while trying to crest the peak that seemed just out of reach. John paused, shifting right to the edge, and covered her mouth with his as he plunged back in. The hand at her ass pulled her forward while his chest pressed toward hers to lay her back on the table.

The change in angle gave John even more control and he used it to send them both toward the finish. His fingers covered hers, following her guidance to leave her quaking as her end took her. In such a state she barely comprehended when John let her name leave his lips to finish.

His body leaned over hers, their panting breaths mingling while Anna imagined she could hear the drip of their sweat on the wood of the table. She took her trembling hand to his cheek, running her thumb over his cheekbone, and raised herself enough to kiss his other cheek. He returned the gesture, burying his head just below her jaw to lay a kiss there too.

"So," His words labored as his lungs struggled to fill. "Do you want to take a honeymoon?"

Anna only laughed and pulled him down to better hug her.

* * *

The patter of the rain beat a steady tattoo as Anna turned another page in her book. A snap from the fire drew her eyes to where John placed another log on top. Pushing back from the hearth he took the spot next to her on sofa.

She leaned into his side, resting her head on his shoulder as she turned another page. He kissed the top of her head, his arm wrapping over her to trail a finger up and down her arm. Anna let out a chuckle, resting the book on her lap before turning to him. "You're distracting me."

"I thought the point of a honeymoon was to distract you."

"And you have." Anna tipped her head to kiss under his chin before interlocking the fingers of her right hand with his left. "I've never been more relaxed than you've made me this last week."

"Then I've done my job well."

"Very well." Anna picked up her book again. "But I want to finish this while I have time and I'm not trying to work through mending and sorting."

"What if," John extracted it from her hands, taking time to ensure he marked the page before setting it to a table on the side. "We take a moment to discuss something else."

"Such as?" Anna shifted to see him better, keeping their fingers together.

"The war's ending as of next week and with that comes all those people looking for new lives and time away."

"So?"

John sighed, "I know you want to stay with her ladyship and I won't ask anything of you if it's not what you want."

"You want me to join you at the bed and breakfast?"

He nodded, "I think it's time we started our new life as well. Leave all the bad memories behind us and start anew."

"I think it'd be a poor time to leave." Anna held up a hand to stop his response. "But only because I think the transition is when her ladyship needs me most. She'll need to find herself a husband now that the men are returning and she'll need to think about the management of the estate once Captain Crawley is back for good."

"What about Mr. Blake?"

"He's a good man but she needs someone that's not him and he wouldn't want to stay long term anyway." Anna sighed, "I agree that we need to start planning for a future that doesn't include that house but not yet."

"Alright." John pulled her hand toward his mouth, kissing over her knuckles. "But just so it's something we are thinking about."

"Of course." Anna kissed his cheek, using her other hand to smooth over the skin there before speaking again. "There's something else I think we should also discuss."

"What?"

"Henry."

"What about him?"

"I want you to meet him."

John sat up straighter, "You do?"

Anna cringed, "If it's too painful I think-"

"Anna," He stopped her, cupping her face in his hands, "I'd be honored to meet your son."

"Even though it's possible that he's the only child I'll ever have?"

"He's still a part of you and I wouldn't change that for the world." John kissed her forehead. "And you said Doctor Ryder gave you a positive prognosis so I'm hopeful."

"Not too hopeful."

"We're going to have a family of our own, Anna. That I promise you."

"Bad harvest, bad harvest." Anna muttered then noted John's frown. "When the farmers had a good harvest or a run of good luck they'd say 'bad harvest' to keep the gods believing they were still suffering so they wouldn't incite jealousy or wrath down on their heads."

"Hm." John nodded before leaving her on the sofa. He walked to the door and opened it. With a wink he went outside and Anna hurried to the doorway to watch him walk to the middle of the lane. He turned a circle in the middle of it and shouted up at the storm, "Bad harvest!"

Anna laughed, covering her mouth as he walked back through the downpour to wrap her in his arms. She squealed as his wet clothes soaked into hers. But he kept her still, waiting for her to look at him before tracing her lips with a finger and whispering to her.

"That should be enough for them."

Anna tugged his mouth to hers, yanking them both into the entranceway of the borrowed home as his foot kicked the door shut. Her fingers sent the drops of water from his hair tickling down his neck. He shivered with it but buried his own hands in her hair to run the silk of it over his fingers.

She smiled against his mouth when he backed her against the wall and held her there with his hips pressed to hers. His wet hands slipped and skidded a bit over her dress and skirt but soon he had rucked it up enough to run his cold hands against her legs. Anna gasped, shivering at the motion, but pulled him closer when he tried to retreat.

"Keep going." She urged and he ran his hands up to the edge of her knickers, drawing them aside to run his fingers over her folds. Her voice keened and John chuckled.

"Distracting enough?"

Anna kissed the water droplets from his neck, fingers slipping on his skin and the wet fabric of his shirt until she struggled it and his undershirt off his shoulders. His braces slapped his thighs and Anna struggled to release the catch on his trousers, huffing in frustration between her gasps for air under his ministrations. John's hands were too busy playing with her nerves and gliding through her folds to help her with his trousers while he struggled to lift the skirt of her dress higher.

But once Anna freed him from the confines of his trousers and he lifted her skirt enough they paused. Only long enough to allow Anna to lift one of her legs over his hip while her hands scrunched their hold into the skin of his shoulders. John lifted her in one swift motion and Anna brought her other leg around wrap his waist.

Sorting out her skirt, John rolled his hips against her. The steady rub of his erection against her nerves sent her nails raking over his skin. At the cusp of pain John plunged forward.

They kept their eyes on one another, Anna closing hers briefly to hear them. The harsh inhales set to the motion of their rutting hips. She gyrated against him, the slap of flesh against flesh heightening the sensation of his slick slide through her. Best of all, the caress of his lips on her skin as he sought to cover every inch of exposed skin with kisses.

When they slowed, John's clothing drying between their heat and that of the fire, the sound of the rain on the windows made more of an impression than the sound of his dripping. Anna caressed his head, holding him close so his heart thudded against her chest, and eased her own breathing. He kissed the side of her neck and helped her down to the floor.

Anna ran her hands over his face before helping him sort out his trousers and gather his clothing. When he stood over her again she smiled at him. "Chrysalism."

"What's this one mean then?"

"It's the amniotic tranquility of being indoors during a thunderstorm." Anna nodded toward the window, "It's comforting."

"So is the idea that you finally have words to give me that are happy." He brushed her lips with his, leading to a slow kiss. "That's all I could ever want for you Anna."

"Then rest assured knowing that you make me happy." She brushed some of his damp hair from his eyes. "Now let's get you into a bath before you catch cold."

"I like the sound of that." John pointed at her book, "What about the reading you've left to do?"

"I can read to you while you soak."

"I haven't heard the beginning of the book though."

Anna shrugged, "You know the story. It's the same characters you always love finding one another and finding love together over and over again."

John rested his forehead on hers. "I do like those."

"So do I."


	18. Ellipsism

She winced, covering her mouth with her hand a moment before swallowing. Lady Mary paused, her hands mid-rub with dollops of cream still visible on her fingers, and narrowed her eyes through the mirror. "I do hope you're not going to be sick all over me."

"No milady." Anna managed a half laugh, swallowing again to try and force the acid taste back down. "I'm just not holding breakfast down as well as I thought."

"Perhaps Bates should think about not trying to cook for you."

"I don't think his cooking is the problem."

Lady Mary stood up and turned so fast Anna had to take a step backward to avoid the flying arms. "Are you sure?"

"It's a bit early to tell but the signs seem like all the other times."

"Well we know the problem isn't Bates." Lady Mary laughed and Anna tied to contain her smile.

"Milady, if the other servants knew how you spoke to me-"

"Carson might die of a heart attack, I know." Lady Mary waved a hand, "It's nothing I don't already know which is why I'm talking to you, not him."

"Then should I ask, when you want to visit Doctor Ryder?"

"He said three months so…" Anna shrugged, "I'd guess I'm only about a month and a half along, two at the most, but my cycle's been irregular for sometime now."

"When you know, tell me and we'll race down to London to see about the stitch."

"You'll be the second to know milady."

"I should hope so. This is the best news I've had in some time."

Anna bit at her lip, "What's the news about Captain Crawley, milady?"

"He's coming back to Downton after Christmas and his mother already agreed to resettle in Downton Cottage so he can have her close as he take over as land agent again."

"What about Mr. Blake?"

"He's actually chosen to stay on as well but he'll be managing the farming aspect of it all." Lady Mary noticed the hand cream and finished rubbing it into her skin. "He and Matthew got along very well the last time they met so I think they'll make this place better than I could on my own."

"Then will that make your decision more difficult?"

Lady Mary sighed, "If you're talking about marriage then I've no idea. How do you choose between two good options?"

"If you don't mind my suggestion milady?" Anna waited but Lady Mary nodded for her to continue. "I think you should consider who could run Downton with you, not without you."

"I'm hoping you've already got someone in mind."

"As lovely as I think Mr. Blake is, milady, he's too smart for you."

"Too smart for me?"

Anna nodded, "You two would spend your whole relationship trying to one up the other with good ideas or schemes and only end up frustrated and fighting. There's a chance there'd be passion there and perhaps happiness but I think you'd survive longer as friends instead of lovers."

"And Matthew?" Lady Mary snorted, "It's not as if we don't fight about everything."

"But you're fighting for the same goal. You're not trying to outdo one another." Anna shrugged up one shoulder, laying the selected nightdress and dressing gown on Lady Mary's bed before taking up her other clothing. "I think he's as smart as you are but more compassionate than you are."

"More compassionate?"

"Yes. He softens your edges and you'll strengthen him." Anna smiled, "We all need someone to be our rock and be better than we are in those things where we lack."

"You believe I lack compassion?"

"I believe you think you've no heart to give anyone." Anna faced Lady Mary, "Captain Crawley sees what I see and you need that."

"And what do the two of you see that Mr. Blake doesn't?"

"We see how big of a heart you have. Mr. Blake appreciates your love of Downton, your desire to keep it strong for Master George, but I don't think he sees the heart you have. The heart that drives you to keep that future alive for Master George. Captain Crawley does and he'll keep your dream of Downton alive for that, not just because he respects you."

"Anna, I do believe you've missed your calling as an orator in the time you've wasted as my maid."

"It's not wasted milady and I wouldn't trade the life I've got for anything."

"Then you've no regrets?"

"I wouldn't call what I have regret, milady."

"What would you call it?"

Anna frowned, searching for the right word. "Ellipsism."

"You'll have to forgive me for not knowing what that word means. I don't read as much as I should and when I did pay attention to the tutors I had it wasn't because I liked what they taught."

Anna laughed, "It's the sadness you have from knowing that you'll never know hos history'll play out."

"You mean the fact that we can't see through the impenetrable wall of time?"

"Something like that."

Lady Mary blew out a puff of air. "If I could go back ten years and see what happened to me, I think I'd chose a different path."

"What if that meant you wouldn't have Master George or that Downton was in someone else's hands?"

"I think I'd rather go back before I lost Patrick or Edith." Lady Mary sighed, "I love Downton and I'd give everything to protect it but the more I think about it the more I realize I'd give it up so they could be alive again."

"You would?"

"I'd give this all up and they could have each other." Lady Mary shrugged, "I never loved Patrick the way Edith did and we all just made one another miserable."

"Where would you've gone?"

"There were plenty of fish in the sea then and I was fishing with more than enough bait." Lady Mary laughed, "I would've managed to find someone I think. Maybe Tony Foyle or Evelyn Napier would've taken me."

"Any man who marries you would be lucky to have you, milady."

"But not every man should take me," Lady Mary pointed at Anna, "That's the crux of your argument isn't it?"

"It is."

"Then I guess my decision just got so much easier." Lady Mary nodded toward the nightdress, "I think I'll need something warmer."

"And maybe a few more for a future night to come milady?" Anna teased and Lady Mary held up a finger.

"Don't be getting ideas Anna or Mrs. Hughes'll think I corrupted you."

"I'm a married woman, milady, I can say what I like now."

"Perhaps that's the problem for both of us."

Anna grinned to herself as Lady Mary left the room and finished straightening up so everything would be sorted for after dinner. When she finished she retreated to the servants' hall and took her seat with the rest of them. Mrs. Hughes came to the table and Anna stood but Mrs. Hughes waved a hand. She beckoned Anna toward the door and whispered when she reached her.

"Mr. Bates is in my sitting room. Says he needs to speak with you urgently."

"What about?"

"Whatever it is it isn't good news." Mrs. Hughes wrung her hands, "If you need to leave I can see to her ladyship tonight."

"But what about Lady Sybil and the Dowager?"

"We've got Ethel taking care of Lady Sybil and with the new woman starting tomorrow it won't be too much trouble for me tonight."

"New woman?"

"Someone recommended by the family of Mr. Barrow. Says she's a good worker and her references came from a woman in London."

"Did she not like London?"

"I think the war has quite a few people seeking the solace of the country." Mrs. Hughes nodded toward the table, "This Ms. Baxter is just one of them."

"I'll let you know if I need to go but I should be fine. Whatever it is that has Mr. Bates rattled can't be so urgent that it has to be handled tonight."

"You say that now." Mrs. Hughes warned as Anna passed her, walking the corridor to Mrs. Hughes's sitting room.

When she opened the door Anna's hand flew to her mouth. John's face streaked with tears as he turned to her. Without a word she embraced him, pulling his head to her shoulder and stroking over his hair as soothingly as she could.

He sobbed there, a piece of paper clutched in his hand at her shoulder. She twisted enough to pry it loose and unfold it as he continued crying. Anna's eyes closed as she read the words there.

"Oh John." She wrapped her arms around him, wishing she could give him more than just words, more than just her embrace. "I'm so sorry. What can I do?"

"Just… just hold me."

"Of course." They swayed for a moment before Anna lowered them into the chairs in Mrs. Hughes's office.

After a time John finally lifted his head and took the telegram back as she offered it to him. "Her neighbor found her. Said it must've been a heart attack."

"What do you need me to do John?"

"Just be with me." He sniffed, "I don't want to battle this alone."

"You won't." Anna took a breath, "We can do down tomorrow to manage the arrangements and take care of what's left of her estate."

"What about her ladyship?"

"Mrs. Hughes'll take care of her and she'll understand." Anna paused, "I'll tell her ladyship tonight and then tomorrow Mrs. Hughes can handle dressing her since the new lady's maid for the Dowager'll be here."

"We don't know how long we'll be there Anna."

"And this house hasn't betrayed me yet. They won't start now." She held his cheek, "Go home and pack for us. I'll be there once I've dressed her for the night."

"If you're sure."

"Of course I'm sure. I'm your wife and this is part of my duty to you." Anna kissed his forehead, "And what I do because I love you."

He nodded and stood. Anna rubbed his arm, soothing herself at the feeling of the familiar fabric under her hands. She tried to smile but her own eyes welled with tears to match his.

"It's not the end John, I promise."

Anna had no appetite to eat after john left. She stirred her soup out of habit but barely managed a sip. When she went to attend Lady Mary at the end of the evening her expression gave her away immediately.

"What's happened?"

"Mr. Bates's mother passed this morning and he received the telegram this evening."

"Oh Anna I'm so sorry."

"It's alright. We just need to go to London tomorrow and see to her arrangements."

"Of course. Take all the time you need."

"We won't be long, milady, I promise."

"I understand." Lady Mary put her hands on Anna's shoulders. "And, thank you for the advice earlier. It made this evening that much easier."

"I do what I can, milady."

"It's more than enough." Anna helped Lady Mary into her nightdress and took her evening clothes to the wardrobe.

The walk home felt longer, though Anna knew it was the same distance. When she opened the door her key worked the lock with ease and she opened the door. As she closed the door she saw John in his chair by the fire.

His chin rested in his palm, finger curled under his nose as he contemplated the fire with the same intensity he might give a particularly puzzling crossword. Anna removed her hat and coat, resting them on their respective pegs, and walked toward John. Her hand on his shoulder did not move him except to bend his free hand back enough to rub over her fingers there.

Anna leaned forward to kiss the top of his head, "Lady Mary said to take whatever time we need."

"The bags are all packed and our tickets are for the nine o'clock train."

She gave her nod by resting her forehead on his. "I'm so sorry John."

"It had to happen eventually." He sighed, moving to lean back in the chair and Anna bent to kneel at his feet, resting her arms there and taking one of his hands in hers. "She was old and I guess it-"

"Shhh," Anna sat straighter, putting her hands on John's face. "It's still a shock and you're still allowed to grieve."

When he did not respond Anna dropped her hands to his lap. After a moment a thought came to her but she could not be sure of his response. His braces already hung off his shoulders so Anna took her chance.

He barely stirred when she opened his trousers but noticed when her fingers pulled his shirt apart. John could only stare at her, almost a spectator in the sport, and only shifted at her insistence to get his shirt off his shoulders. His hips lifted when she dragged his trousers down and his feet slid out of socks, shoes, and garters to leave a pile on the floor.

With only his undershirt and pants left it was all Anna could do not to simply tuck him into bed like she would a child. But the tent in his trousers had her smoothing a hand over him, dragging her nails along when his fingers clutched the arms of the chair. She pulled the undershirt over his head, massaging down his chest and arms until she returned to her kneeling position.

His pants went next, dropping onto the pile on the floor, leaving his breathing heavy and eyes dilating while Anna smoothed her hands over his legs. With a gentle push she pushed them apart to kneel between them. While keeping his eyes firmly fixed on her, Anna set her hands to work.

The pulsing, hot flesh under her ministrations constantly fascinated her. Almost two years of marriage and she still could not comprehend it. Even after all the times she felt it, inside her or with her own fingers, she could not stop marveling over the texture. As she dipped her head to kiss him she realized there was something else that she could not stop marveling over about it either. The taste.

John groaned, muscles contracting as he tried to hold himself still in the chair, and Anna worked him deeper and deeper. Her tongue wrapped around him, slithering and sliding with the bobbing of her head over him. And when she lightly grazed with her teeth he howled toward the ceiling.

A fine sheen of sweat settled over him when Anna tasted the beginning of his arousal. She pulled back, leaving a final kiss right on the tip that had her tongue sneaking through his slit there, and set her hands to work at her own clothing. There, in their sitting room, Anna disrobed for her husband with only the firelight to guide her.

Did he notice the swell in her stomach or had he merely thought she was eating all the pies? Would he mind that she would get larger, making moments like this more difficult? Would he speak to their baby or read to it while it still nestled inside her? Anna straddled his thighs and rested her hands just on his shoulders to look into his eyes, hoping to find the answers there.

And find them she did.

Yes, Anna noted when his fingers brushed at her stomach and traced the slight outline she sometimes wondered if she imagined, he did notice the swell in her abdomen. No, Anna saw as she pressed against him to trap his arousal between them before rubbing herself along him so his head went back in a full-bodied moan, he did not mind her getting larger. Yes, she realized when his fevered whisper and scrabbling hands had her lifting just enough to sink down onto him, he would read to their baby.

They rocked into one another, Anna using her knees on the cushion beneath her for the leverage required to twist and gyrate with every scraping glide. She rose until he barely traced her folds before dropping back down. They tested speeds, rhythms, and when their breathing matched they ran together.

He finished first, already at the breaking point when she first took him inside her. His final thrusts, almost the end of his energy, took her right to the edge while their interlocked fingers between them did the rest. Anna leaned into him, giving a soft smile to his shoulder when his arms wrapped around her.

They stayed like that for a short time until Anna heard their clock chime. Without words they broke apart, gathering their clothing, and retreated to their bedroom. John took his dressing gown and returned to the sitting room to check the doors and the fire while Anna prepared for bed.

When John returned he climbed into bed with her, forgoing his own clothing just to hold her close. Anna snuggled into him, resting her head on his shoulder while his fingers teased her hair and grazed over her back. From his breathing she could tell he was not asleep yet and pushed herself up enough to see his face.

Pushing a strand of hair from his forehead she sighed, "Are you going to sleep tonight?"

"After that?" He managed a laugh, "I think so."

"Good." Anna kissed his cheek, "I don't want you making any decisions when you're exhausted."

"You mean because I'm already a wreck?"

"No, because you're already handling so much." Anna brushed her hand over his face, "Sleep now. It'll all still be there in the morning."

And it was. Their trip to London was uneventful but going through his mother's house, working with the morgue and the funeral home, and finding a plot of land in the Catholic Church's cemetery almost drove John to madness. Anna soothed where she could and left him to his tears and memories when she needed.

When they stood around his mother's grave, the bite of the February air leaving Anna's nose and cheeks red, she noted Lady Rosamund standing nearby with Henry. The other woman looked up and nodded at Anna, offering her first condolences from afar. And when the ceremony was over she brought Henry over to greet John and Anna.

"I'm so sorry for your loss Bates." She extended her hand to John, who shook it with all the respect he had. "I'm sure she was a dear woman."

"She was the best of women, milady." He smiled at her, the broken joy there mingling with sorrow that had Anna rubbing his arm. "But thank you for your condolences and taking the time to be here."

"Yes," Anna spoke up, "We're ever so grateful."

"Mary said you were coming to London for this and I thought a member of the family ought to be present if they could." Lady Rosamund tapped Henry on the shoulder, urging him forward a bit more. "And Henry thought it might be a good time to meet his mother's husband and I agreed."

"As long as you're sure." Anna flicked her gaze between Henry and Rosamund, both of whom nodded their agreement. "Well then, John this is my son Henry, Lady Rosamund's son, and Henry this is my husband John."

John bent so he could look Henry in the eye as he shook his hand, "It's a pleasure to meet you. Anna speaks very highly of you."

"She writes about you in her letters to me." Henry turned over his shoulder a bit to look at Anna, grinning to himself, "She's a bit taken with you."

"I should hope so." John stood, "She married me."

Henry sobered, "I'm sorry about your Mum. I don't know what I'd do without mine."

"I have Anna to help me through, just like you've got family to help you."

Henry paused, looking at Lady Rosamund, "Does that mean I've got Anna too?"

Anna's eyes went wide as she turned to Lady Rosamund but the other woman only smiled. "If you'd like. I believe Anna would be a wonderful person to have if you need her."

"I'd like that." Henry took a moment and then hugged Anna briefly before backing away. "I'd like you to be there for me if you can."

"Of course." Anna blinked at the tears, "I'd be honored."

"Good." Henry gave his hand to Lady Rosamund. "And I am sorry about your Mum."

"Thank you Henry." John took Anna's hand, holding it tightly as they watched Lady Rosamund and Henry climb into their motor. "He's wonderful Anna."

"He does his mother a credit."

"And you."

Anna shook her head, "I'm not his mother, John. Lady Rosamund's his mother. I'm just lucky to know him now."

"And soon we'll know someone else together." His hand snuck a brush at her abdomen, just enough for her to feel it but not enough for anyone else to notice.

"Yes." Anna rubbed over the area, "Yes we will."


	19. Enouément

Lady Mary entered the room and Anna struggled to sit up in the bed, "Milady, I'm so sorry I-"

"You don't know how lucky you are Lady Sybil's here." Lady Mary pulled a bowl of water closer, "She's ecstatic about the chance to deliver your baby."

"And you, milady?" Anna winced, holding her protruding stomach and grunting as another shot of pain laced through her from her lower back down to her core.

"I'm a little less ecstatic about you delivering it in my bed but needs must and we all make sacrifices."

"I feel like you're making all the sacrifices for me, milady."

"Nonsense." Lady Mary set the water down and rested the damp rag on Anna's forehead, "It's all part of the process. Miss Marigold and Master George are in the nursery wondering if they'll be able to play with the new baby soon."

"Do they promise to play nicely?" Anna managed to gasp out before another shock of pain took over her system. "Because this one's not playing nicely at all with me right now."

"Baby'll be out soon Anna." Another dark haired woman, this one with blue eyes, had her fingers probing between Anna's bent legs, feeling over the skin there. "He's crowning now so I need you to just breathe as deeply as you can and not push yet."

Anna crunched the sheets in her hand, the rational part of her mind still thinking like a lady's maid and not like a madwoman about to bite through her own jaw in pain, wondered is she had the strength in this moment to tear the sheets apart. Even with that fear her fingers would not relax and all she could manage to do was give a strangled groan while the other woman gave instructions to Lady Mary. Lady Mary dabbed another cloth to Anna's forehead.

"Bates is just outside the door, pacing a runner in the carpet I expect." Lady Mary snuck a look at the other woman in the room before whispering to Anna. "Lady Sybil thought about inviting him in but Doctor Clarkson forbid it. Said men aren't allowed in the delivery room."

"It's your room, milady."

"Not at the moment it's not. Sybil says that babies take precedence." Lady Mary snorted, "What a story though. One day you'll be speaking to whatever child you have today and telling them they were born at Downton Abbey like all the Earls and Ladies this house has seen."

"I guess it's one over their brother." Anna sighed out, panting at the nonverbal cue from Lady Sybil.

"That's right," Lady Mary shuddered, "That French hospital with the doctors and nurses barking at you in broken English."

"They kept saying 'press' instead of push," Anna laughed and then strained as Lady Sybil's voice got higher.

"The head's out Anna. Now on the next contraction-"

"Next what?"

"The next time your body tightens I want you to push as hard as you can."

Anna followed her directions as closely she could and when her body contracted like it was about to spontaneously combust she pushed as hard as she could. Lady Sybil worked on her end and Lady Mary took the cloth from Anna's forehead. When Anna stopped pushing she heard a cry.

Her breath caught in her chest and she choked half a sob. Her arms opened instinctively as her eyes welled with tears. Lady Sybil brought the wrapped bundle to her, setting it as carefully in her arms as she might a glass piece.

"Say hello to your son, Anna."

Anna laughed, her tears leaving her cheeks as she stroked a finger over the perfect features of the boy in her arms. He twitched under her attention but his cries turned to snorts as he settled. His lids opened, blinking up at her, and Anna noted the bright blue there.

"Hello John." She whispered, ignoring Lady Sybil rubbing over her abdomen as another set of contractions started.

"That's it Anna, just push with these. It'll get the afterbirth."

"I think I'll leave for this part." Lady Mary stood up, heading for the door. "And give Bates the good news."

"Tell him he can come back in once I've got Anna a bit more cleaned up." Lady Sybil called over her shoulder, managing the results of her work. "Wouldn't want Bates seeing you like this."

"I don't know how I'll live down either of you seeing me like this, milady." Anna gave a half chuckle, holding little John close.

"I used to clean bedpans and check on men with necrotic flesh and amputations, Anna." Lady Sybil laughed, her fingers prodding at Anna until Anna twitched away. "Sorry, just checking on the rest of it."

"And?"

"It's all here and you're all done." Lady Sybil gathered the sheet and worked to clean under and over Anna until the bed looked almost as if it'd never been anything more than a resting place. "I think I should let Bates in now."

"Thank you." Anna smiled at her but Lady Sybil paused.

"Did you… feed your first baby?"

"For a short time."

"Then you know how to feed this one?"

Anna nodded, "I do. Thank you."

"It's my pleasure Anna." Lady Sybil brushed a hand over the baby's head, "It's not everyday you get to help new life into the world instead of just seeing those leaving it."

The door did not even close between Lady Sybil leaving and John entering the room. He came to the side of the bed, kneeling down next to it, and laid a hand on their son's head. The size disparity might have been humorous to someone else but Anna only saw the power of her husband to protect the newborn in her arms.

"He's beautiful Anna." John gazed at the little boy, settling now that his eyes fluttered closed. "He's perfect."

"He's ours, John." Anna beamed at John, her vision blurred by tears. "He's ours."

John joined her on the bed, gingerly accepting the baby and cuddling him close. "What'd you call him?"

"He's John." Anna ran a finger along little John's arm, "Jack for now. To prevent confusion."

"Good plan." John laughed, "He's so perfect I could die of happiness right now and not have a single regret."

"I'd regret it." Anna prodded him with her elbow.

"I'm sorry." John kissed her forehead, "How are you feeling?"

"Enouément."

"I hope that's not his middle name."

"No, it's the bittersweet feeling of having arrived in the future, seeing how things turned out, and wishing you could tell your past self all about it."

"And ruin the surprise?"

"I think I would've shed less tears in my time if I knew all this was waiting for me." Anna leaned closer to John, her hand resting on Jack's chest. "If I'd known I'd one day be lying in bed with my husband and my son I could've endured anything."

"But you did endure it all Anna. Without spoilers and without faltering."

"I faltered many times John."

"And we'll falter again but we'll never give up." John adjusted Jack in his arms. "He's counting on us."

"I won't fail him. Or you." Anna kissed John's lips and laughed a little as Jack started to whine. "I think he's already jealous of the attention."

"I'll just get used to playing third wheel for a bit then." John helped hand him back and Anna took him into her arms, settling him enough to arrange him so she could feed him. "This is my dream come true Anna."

"Mine too." She leaned back against the headboard, "From when I thought I could dream again I wanted to dream of this."

"Dreams do come true."

"Yes they do." Anna gazed down at the child sucking at her, a tiny fist balled up while one leg practiced a kick. "They truly, truly do."


	20. Exultation

Anna closed her eyes, breathing deeply to inhale the steam from the hot water surrounding her. The door opened and closed and her body stiffened then relaxed at the sight of John. He raised an eyebrow and she risked a hand out of the water to wave it.

"I worried you were one of the boys trying to get in here."

"No, they're busy chasing Miss Marigold around the yard with Henry and Master George. Well," John cocked his head to the side as he kneeled next to the tub. "Those that can walk are trying their best but Miss Marigold's outrunning all of them except George and the children in prams aren't really participating much."

"Yes, Nanny wouldn't like that at all." Anna rested her head back against the back of the tub. "They are all playing nicely yes?"

"When I checked they were but I wouldn't be surprised if there are some tears in a few moments." John laughed, "It's what happens when you've got a group of children all darting to and fro."

"What about Annabelle?"

"She's staying out of it all." John trailed a finger in the water, running it up Anna's arm to give her a shiver that sent ripples over the water. "Preferring to read under the shade of the tree."

"Sounds like someone I know." Anna adjusted toward John, kissing the tip of his nose. "Did you give her a book for her age?"

"She chose the book."

"John Bates I know that's a lie since I watched you reset that stack she made last night."

"Alright," John raised his hands in surrender, "I admit I gave her _Wuthering Heights_ but she hasn't put it down so I think I chose the right book."

"No," Anna groaned, resting her head back on the tub, "She's going to imagine every boy with dark hair is her Heathcliff or some such nonsense."

"Is it really nonsense?" John teased, "You found yourself someone with dark hair."

"Hm," Anna tapped her fingers over the arms he rested on the side of the tub. "And you're a bit of a brooder. I guess I could see some of that roguish quality in you."

"Some?"

"Well I'd say there was more but seeing as you're acting the perfect gentleman while you've got a naked woman in a bath right beside you I'd say you're not quite the rogue you imagine yourself to be."

Anna squealed as John joined her in the bath as soon as he could leave his clothing on the floor. She sidled over him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders to kiss him soundly while settling on his legs. John laughed with her, hands gliding over her wet skin until he landed at the crux of her thighs.

She gasped, rocking onto his hand as he massaged her with a palm before running a finger through her folds. His determination had her writhing under his attentions in no time at all, leaving her all-too-familiar half-moon gouges in his skin while he slipped first one and then two and then three fingers inside her. They scraped and pressed, manipulated and drove Anna to crash over the edge with a rough cry.

With no preamble she drove herself down on him, sending water splashing over the side of the tub. He groaned, fingers caught between them to run against himself and her. Anna trapped him further, greedy in her attentions, and captured his mouth before he could respond.

Their motions set the water moving, lapping against the edges and some over the side, and tickled at Anna's heated skin. She sought purchase on any bit of skin of his she could find, refusing to give up her hold on his tongue and focusing her motions on keeping his mouth occupied. But he broke loose and lavished his attentions her breasts while she rocked and bounced on him as the water proved help and hindrance.

She crested the wave again and John succumbed shortly afterward. They evened their breathing before grinning at one another. John risked a look over the side of the tub and cringed, "I think we got my clothes wet."

Anna looked too, spluttering out her own laugh. "I think we did." She pouted at him, "Was it worth it?"

"Always." John nipped a quick kiss. "But if we're gone too long then Jack and Edward'll come looking for us and Nanny'll want to give back Elizabeth when she gets fussy and-"

"Alright, alright," Anna pushed off, standing up to escape the tub and snatched her towel before John could swat at her exposed ass. "I'm getting dressed now and I'll find you some clothes while you clean up the water."

"I'm cleaning it up?"

Anna broke into another smile, "If not for you, Mr. Bates, it wouldn't be there… would it?"

"Naughty girl."

Anna winked and walked to their room, changing into her clothing as quickly as she could before pinning her hair in place. She noticed the opened letter on the table and picked it up as hands slid around her waist. Turning toward John she sighed, closing her eyes a moment to enjoy the feel of him, and laid her own kiss on his wet hair.

"All clean?"

"You'd never know." John kissed her neck and stood, "Didn't you read that this morning?"

"Yes but I'm just making sure I didn't miss anything." Anna folded it up before tucking it into an apron pocket.

"And did you?" John pushed one leg and then the other through his pant and then trousers.

"No. He's doing well at Eton and wants to come up and visit on his half-term because Lady Rosamund's coming up around then."

"The boys'd love to have him." John selected a shirt, buttoning the cuffs and then the line before tucking it into his trousers. "Jack idolizes him."

"I know." Anna peeked out the window, smiling at the children in the garden. "They're all so wonderful."

"Yes they are."

"Do you ever wonder…?" Anna stopped, shaking her head, "Never mind."

"What?"

"It's nothing."

"Anna," John chided, pulling his tie even with his collar before buttoning his waistcoat, "I want to know what you're thinking."

"I was just curious if you ever wondered what our lives would be like if our roles had been reversed."

John took a moment, thinking about it before sighing, "I can't see us having this kind of success. I'd have been a right bother to you for years."

"I doubt it." Anna prodded at him, "You're all soft inside."

"I think I'd be a self-deprecating boob honestly." John checked himself in the mirror, "But I don't think about that because I'm too busy exulting that I have you."

"Charmer."

"Minx." John snuck a kiss, "I'll be back by this evening."

"Do you really think we should take on another property?"

John laughed, "We're bursting at the seams as it is here. We need another one or else our children'll grow right through the walls."

"Alright," Anna held up her hands, "I trust you."

"And I love you." John kissed both her hands and then her lips again, this one longer than before. "Just remind her ladyship, tonight if you can, that Master George said he wants to grow up and work at an inn like ours."

Anna laughed, "I'll tell her. Now go or you'll miss your chance."

"I'm going."

"John?" He stopped at the top of the stairs and she waved to him, "I love you too. I wouldn't trade our life for the world."

"Neither would I."

Anna watched her husband leave, turning to the window to watch her children in the garden again while she fingered the note in her pocket. She remembered raising her hand all those years ago to knock on the door at Downton. Extending that same hand to John Bates. And now that same hand touched the letter her first son wrote her while watching her other children enjoy the sunshine.

This was her role and she would not trade it for anything in the world either.


End file.
